INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY LEFTOVERS
While you were busy saluting Beyoncé, Hillary, and your mom, we were embracing the women, the trailblazers, the unsung heroes of pop culture too often forgotten by herstory. These are the women that make life worth living.
While you were marching on Washington and forgetting about Tori Spelling, she was busy repopulating the earth. That's right, DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES is a virgin no more! Tori's literally MADE A CAREER out of having children and a messy marriage, and god bless her for it. After her husband Dean got caught with his hand in another's honey pot, these two soldiers decided to broadcast their marital problems on NATIONAL TELEVISION.
Opportunistic? WHO GIVES A SHIT IT WAS AMAZING. TRUE TORI was a glorious trainwreck that made my shitstain of a divorce look like a cakewalk. There is literally a scene where Tori's head explodes from sobbing and then she falls over in bed and passes out. And guess what? These two nitwits not only stayed together, they just had THEIR FIFTH BABY and adopted A PIG.
I'm not kidding, I fucking love Tori Spelling and you can watch all of True Tori on Amazon and you should because they need the money because they're practically Duggars now and you'll feel really amazing about your life after.
Sally Jessy Raphael
Oh my god, don't tell me you've forgotten about Sally Jessy Raphael, because I literally think about her every single day. I'm not kidding. In the early 90's, the big thing was WILD TEENS. And Sally was at the forefront. She'd bring on a downtrodden mother who'd tell of her troubles with her daughter and then the daughter would come wheeling out (all Jerry Springer like, but like BEFORE Jerry Springer) and typically she'd have a crop top on and she'd start yelling at her mother and the audience.
Well, obviously Sally won't stand for that. That's why Sally had HER VERY OWN DRILL SERGEANT, SERGEANT ZULU. When the wild teen's yelling reached a crisis point, Zulu would come wheeling out, in like a unidentifiable green uniform (Boy Scouts perhaps?) and like an old timey calvary hat and take on the daughter.
Why is this important? Look, I'm going to give you a peek into something real embarrassing. I distinctly remember being 14 years old, my parents were in the middle of a contentious divorce, my mom was suddenly a lesbian, I didn't really have any friends, and I would watch Sally from my waterbed (!!!) in my basement bedroom and I'd think, there are two options here: become a wild teen or forget all these crazy people and just do my thing.
AND I DECIDED AGAINST BEING A WILD TEEN SALLY JESSY RAPHEAL IS A HERO.
Chi Chi DeVayne
Chi Chi is the unsung hero of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 8. Listen, no one was ever going to beat BOB THE DRAG QUEEN WHO I LOVE. I fucking love Bob. But competing against Bob on a show tailor-made for Bob is pointless. The only person who could've maybe beat Bob is Carrie Fisher (amirite?). Also on this season was the MAKEUP GENIUS (and Chicago gal) KIM CHI. So our girl Chi Chi DeVayne sort of got lost in the shuffle, but I maintain Chi Chi is awesome as hell and the only reason I want to go to Shreveport ever ever ever. I present my case:
I just feel like no one gives a shit about Penelope and she knows it.
KG is usually so fucking shrill you miss the fact that she's smart as shit. Look, I'm not saying a lady shouldn't be shrill, I'm just saying it's a matter of preference and sometimes I'm like, GURL STOP YELLING. It's like Richard Simmons is her drag mother. LET'S ALL SCREAM REAL LOUD AT GAY MEN WE'LL BE FAMOUS!
So anyway, I came around to KG sideways, by reading her book after I bought it for $3 at Barnes & Noble. And it was really fucking good! I have high standards for celeb memoirs, like I HATED AMY SCHUMER'S SO SO MUCH because it was really stupid and no one wants to read your twelve year old diary entries. Conversely, Kathy has some amazing stories and is much deeper than her public persona gives off. She's got a brother who was like a legit psychopath. She talks about her struggle to "make it" and how she used to make out with Zach Galifinakis (whut), She talks about her plastic surgery and Joan Rivers, and it's not that she doesn't have a filter, she's just willing to take risks in her writing and that shit is LEGIT.
We homos are always looking through our past to pinpoint the exact moment when we knew we were ... AHEM ... #BLESSED. We don't get a gay family tree of those who brought us up and taught us how to be, no ma'am, that ... THAT is DIVINE inspired magical wizardry. I knew at ... (grabs calculator does math, gets upset, has a small cocktail, cries and throws lunch in the floor) ... a sweet and delicate age all I wanted to be was Suzanne Sugarbaker.
She was hilarious, loving, and had more money than God. Suzanne also might kick your ass real good, she was not to be messed with! You've forgotten about Delta because ol' girl hasn't worked in a few years. That's OK. I remember. JK ... It's NOT OK. Delta Burke is a national treasure. Who do I have to call over at RuPaul's Drag Race to get my girl on as a judge? Where is her guest spot on The Real Housewives of Orange County? Can someone call Obama (YES, Obama) and get her back on my TV. Though, she'll be fine. She's probably feeding her pig diamonds or even better ... she's somewhere in California right now naked as a jaybird with Major Dad.
Samantha WHO? Why you gotta forget everything. Are you eating right? Samantha Ronson is best known, to me anyway, as the lady Lindsay Lohan had a lesbianic affair with way back in 2007. They tried to be all coy about it, but we have eyes, we know what's happening. Back in '07 she was best known as a DJ? You guys how is that even a job that people do, don't we have robots for that? Their "relationship" ended pretty quickly, which is sad since she's HOT AF. In 2016 Sam formed the band known as Ocean Park Standoff and they're currently on tour. I wish she'd come back and give us some more LL drama ... maybe she could talk Lohan into a second round with Oprah? OMG. REMEMBER THAT disaster of a TV show? Come back, Samantha! COME! BACK!
Whatever. We need to talk about Gayle King more often. Also I've been staring at this gif for like 25 hours. It's a GD delight, and so is Ms King. x
Nancy Kerrigan IS 1994. I don't even know what else happened that year other than me staring at her face all the time. Sometimes when it gets real real quiet I can still hear that weird noise she made after getting cracked in the knees with a crowbar (jk it was a police baton but I like drama). WHY WHY WHYYYY. Hi. I'm hateful. I know. At least now someone else has that running on repeat in their head.
If you miss NK do not fear it was just announced that she will be one of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars. I know, who even knew that show was still happening.
Mrs. Doubtfire is maybe the greatest movie of all time. FIGHT ME. I think the world would be a better place if we had more movies with cross-dressing dudes. GIVE ME MORE MEN IN DRESSES RIGHT NOW.
How can you not love this movie ... or the dream woman this Dad became when he was in drag. All in the name of love. It makes me laugh and cry and wanna get myself a breast plate. Women really are perfect creatures, and this movie is proof!
Did you know that studio heads tried to force a sequel to Mrs. D a couple of times? First in 2001 with a project headed by Bonnie Hunt (GASP LOVE HER) and then again in 2014 ... but Robin Williams went and killed himself. Men. They ruin everything.