ALL ERIKA ALL THE TIME
Don’t be silly. The various Real Housewives are basically like children. Each is creative, gorgeous, talented, charming, rich and dermabrased beyond your wildest dreams. I couldn’t possibly choose a favorite. LOLOLOLOL! I am a big fat liar. Obviously Beverly Hills is the very best (ahem until next month when New York comes back) and Erika Jayne is my most favorite housewife (BWAHAHAHAHA! until April when I’m feeding Dorinda grapes and jars of vodka). That’s why tonight’s ALL ERIKA ALL THE TIME episode was epic and everything I’ve ever dreamed.
After last week’s tiny desserts in the back yard with Carnie Wilson, I didn’t know what would happen. How could we go on? I was pretty sure we’d tune in to see Eden hugging a tiny cheesecake next to Lisa Rinna munching on her feet with Kim running around in the background setting big white mansions on fire for 50 minutes.
BUT ALAS: NOPE.
Tonight’s episode was ALL ABOUT ERIKA (BTW I typed that in all caps while patting my puss).
First? Everyone (except for Rinna who was sick cough bullshit cough cough) is at Kyle’s store for an event with The Fat Jewish?
PAUSE FOR CRICKET NOISES
Yeah. The Fat Jewish. I’m either too old or too young or too Jewish to even know what those words mean when they’re placed next to each other. I’m deciding it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m not hip because obviously I am hip. I’m wearing Vans right now and drinking green juice, so leave me alone. Whatever. This dude had a Rose release party at Kyle’s store. Yeah. Like he made a wine? I don’t even know. There were lots of fun Jew jokes and then TFJ gave Kyle a lap dance.
PAUSE FOR CRICKET NOISES
Somewhere in the middle of everyone pretending to care about this weird dude with an unfortunate hair situation we learned two important things.
Dorit is desperate for Erika to love her. How do we know this? Dorit was showing off her new haircut at the party and Erika says, “Your hair looks great like that, I love it.” Dorito nearly passes out and exclaims, “ERIKA. THAT. IS. THE. FIRST. TIME. YOU. HAVE. EVER. GIVEN. ME. A. COMPLIMENT. EVER.” To which Erika responds with a major shady full body hair flip.
Lisa Vanderpump wants to go to Hong Kong to protest a Chinese dog-meat festival (yeah like for eating? barf) and she wants to use Erika’s private plane to get there. This was obviously supposed to be a small invite only trip, but turns into a giant everybody’s invited thing when Erika pulls LVP nemesis and Emmy Award winning actress Eileen Davidson into the convo and asks Eileen if she wants to go to Hong Kong. Suddenly everyone is going on the trip and LVP is not super excited. How could she be since she was basically eaten alive by the ladies on their last group trip to Dubai.
WAIT A MINUTE! HAS ANYONE SEEN EDEN? Oh. There she is. She shows up just in time to find out about the trip to Hong Kong and then hugs her self in a corner somewhere for the rest of the episode.
Suddenly it’s the next day or however time works in Beverly Hills and LVP is hosting a small lunch with Kyle, Dorito, and Erika. We have to try a new Rose for the restaurant. I mean why else are we even alive. There’s a cliff or a hill in a field or a yard somewhere with the most elaborate and expensive patio furniture and Dorito is giving it to Erika. WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFICULT TO GET TO KNOW. GAH. There’s more master shade from Erika here as she shrugs her off and says (with a super villain whisper), “I’m a different animal.”
Normally I would pause here and make fun of Erika Jayne because what does that even mean? HAHAHAHAHA! Stop being a drama queen, girl. Except. Did you just get here? Can you even read? Here it is again in case you were just born this very minute: I LOVE ERIKA JAYNE. I LOVE ERIKA JAYNE SO MUCH I WOULD WRESTLE ANOTHER GROWN HUMAN TO PROVE IT. Leave her alone or I will slash the tires of your stupid rose gold colored Toyota (or whatever it is you drive). Fine. You have a Bentley. Whatever, Dorito.
Erika suddenly announces she has to go because she’s flying to Georgia to visit her mom. Her mom, who, surprise SURPRISE is in a play. Pick up your jaw, girl. Erika’s mom is an actress. I know. I know. I AM SHOOK.
Erika boards her private plane with a mini glam squad that she’s gifting to her mom for a night. Once they land, Erika goes full Southern Girl on us (complete with intermittent southern drawl) and drives a giant brown truck to her mom’s house. We learn more about Erika than ever before. Her dad wasn’t around, she spent a lot of time with her grandma … and her mom was rough on her. It made her tough and hard. It basically turned her into the bad ass that we’re all in love with today.
Erika and her grandma had a special bond; they were closer than Erika and her mother are. I’m using past tense here because grandma died a couple years ago from Alzheimer’s disease. There are pictures of Erika, her grandma, her mom; we’re taken way down memory lane. It’s the most vulnerable moment we’ve ever had with Erika. If you weren’t in love before, then you have to be now. PS It’s hard to type while attaching these super long blond extensions to my head.
Anywho, while everybody is crying in Georgia … LVP has invited Rinna to one of her dog boutiques. Seriously, does anyone love animals this much? Tiny horses, dogs, swans. It’s exhausting. Get a real hobby like counting diamonds, or eating go-go boys. LVP has decided she wants to clear the air with Rinna, and gives her a personal invite to Hong Kong. Lisa Rinna must be one real charming MF. This woman can literally say anything. YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE. MUNCHAUSEN SYNDROME. Anything! She is always forgiven. These bitches are clamoring to forgive her. Meanwhile … Eden didn’t do or say anything and all of the women are creeped out by her. Whatever ladies. WHO DOESN’T LOVE A LONG HUG???
Then? To end the episode LVP demands that Rinna remove her fake eyelashes. It is the weirdest, most amazing, most Beverly Hills, power tripy thing ever since Yolanda made everyone pick lemons. Rinna yanks off her lashes and I almost reached into my TV to hand LVP a Golden Globe. So weird. So fun. So Beverly Hills.
OH! AND! I almost forgot. Kim is a grandma now. YAWWWWN.
See ya next week. xoxo