THE REAL COKE DEN OF BEVERLY HILLS
How are you doing? Feel alright? A week ago we witnessed the single greatest episode of television possibly ever (other than the release of Lemonade obvi). I've never been so stressed or in want of a Xanax smoothie. I hope you've remembered to keep your cold compress firmly in place over the past week. You better have added a few extra stretches to your morning and cranked up your moisturizing regimen. Maybe some green tea? A little cauliflower for your liver, perhaps? Can TV give you PTSD? I think we all know the answer is YASSSSSSSSSS.
I was so nervous to watch the latest episode that the previously section gave me the jitters. I don't know why. What could top last week's melt down? (psssst NOTHING) Next week is the season finale, so tonight is gonna be Exposition City, USA. Dear Self: PLEASE CALM DOWN, WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
We start off right where we ended with Rinna's cocaine accusation. It's just as hilarious and wonderful the second time around. It's so ridiculous and there are so many frozen faces I had to rewind and watch a few times. RiRi (OMG YAY A NEW NICKNAME) does not like to be outdone in the drama department. I think my favorite part here is that Riri is so matter of fact. It's almost like she's bored. YOU HAVE A COKE DEN ... all served from a slouched head in hand elbo on the dinner table moment. Riri is messy, but GD if she ain't EGOT material. She takes that eye for an eye shit seriously. Dorito insinuated Riri has a drug problem, so Dorito obviously lives in a coke den. What. It's that simple. I like the way Riri thinks. Sometimes you gotta sit a bitch down and make her listen. At least she didn't break a wine glass and put it in anyone's face this time around.
Snap, crackle, pop: It's a brand new day and Riri is packing. She has to leave Hong Kong a day before the other ladies. She calls LVP to thank her for the trip. Question. Does Bravo pay for these trips or nah? If LVP took all of these ladies to HK, they better get to kissing her feet.
Everyone gets together and goes shopping. It's mostly uneventful except for the part where Dorito is dressed like a homeless person who has never used conditioner, Erika wears the world's most amazing pair of sunglasses, Sasoon buys Erika a friendship ring, and Emmy Award Winning Actress Eileen Davidson has her biggest story line of the season by going on a shopping spree. Whatever. She deserves it. Erika (y'all know I love her) was scary AF.
WAIT A MINUTE. Sasson buys Erika a friendship ring? Yeah. You read that right. It's a moonstone or rosestone or who even knows. It's supposed to help your heart heal or some other magic. Erika thinks it's the weirdest thing ever but lets it happen. It's cool, the ring only cost $172. Everyone has a big LOL and we go right back to wondering why Sasoon is on this show. CAN WE GET THIS GIRL A COACH. DOOOOOO SOMETHING. GAH.
There's a quick moment at one of LVP's animal shelters. I know this is the whole point of the trip, but I like it better when people are pretending to eat and we get to see jewelry. Eileen thinks about rescuing a dog for a minute, but it goes nowhere because how many boring things can happen in a single episode of television, y'all? If only Riri were here to wrestle someone to the ground or eat a puppy on camera.
Boom. We're home in sunny CA and Erika and Eileen are meeting for lunch. They start off pretending nothing is happening and everything is normal. Kyle shows up (WHAT, I mean OK, I guess there has to be a witness in case there's an apology). The ladies review the HK trip a bit. Erika is not sure that Dorito is sincere with her half assed apology, and she still doesn't trust her. All of this apology talk gets Erika to apologize to Eileen for her HK melt down. She was tired AND exhausted from the fight with Dorito ... and lost it for a minute. I hope Andy Cohen has a sit down with all of the Housewives and plays this clip. It's a lesson in how to say you're sorry. GD. Have I said it yet? I LOVE ERICA JAYNE and her perfect skin and amazing wig.
Just when you think the world is safe and everyone has a friendship ring...
We have to look at Dorito and PK and hear their stupid accents. Honestly. Does anyone really enjoy listening to a British Accent? The answer here is NO. If you're reading this and sound like a Queen (the actual one from England, bitch), I'm sure you're lovely but I've had it. Find a speech therapist. It's not cute, and I can't understand you.
AHEM. Sorry. I have feelings.
Are we honestly not going to talk about how Boy George barely has a career? Does PK have something else going on? Just checking. PK offers to get Dorito a drink. GET THIS. She wants a vodka MF Red Bull. Guys. I don't wanna throw more gas on the fire, but maybe they are Coke heads. Who drinks vodka Red Bulls after the age of 27?
COKE HEADS. OBVIOUSLY.
Vodka Red Bull? This is what millionaires drink? You don't get to live in J-Lo's old house and walk around drinking Red Bull with Vodka. These people are trash. So disappointing. OK OK, I'll stop. They talk about the trip. They're confused and sorta scared by Riri (should be tbqh). Then Mr. Panty Gate himself accuses Riri of maybe being schizophrenic, or possibly on drugs. Panty Gate Man also gets bitchy about Erika and says some shit about her never seeing her husband. DEAR HOUSEHUSBANDS: YOU SHOULD NEVER TALK OR GOSSIP IT'S NOT A CUTE LOOK. Ugh. Can somebody get me a glass of Veuve, pretty please? That's how millionaires drink, by the way. Assholes. Do I have to do everything?
Erika shows up to film her scene with Eileen on The Young & The Restless. She's wearing sweats like a real person, and it's adorable and I love it. Her character's name is Farrah Dubois, and she does a really great job.
We visit the set of Kyle's scripted show. WHY ARE WE CALLING IT KYLE'S SCRIPTED SHOW? We see nothing. We know nothing. Kyle and her producer buddies talk about the show and say nouns and verbs and nothing is revealed. Looook. I know Kyle is fun and smart and I wanna be her friend but what is happening? Nothing. Kyle says the word producer a lot while trying to look casual while pretending she's done anything other than spend all morning picking out the super casual outfit she's wearing in this 3 minute scene. Kyle and Mauricio are like sooooo busy you guys. She talks about navigating all the change and how hard it is. I'm sorry. Huh? What is she even talking about.
Suddenly everyone is getting ready for LVP's Rosé release party. Kyle's jumpsuit is too long and she's being a FUN MOM and shortening the legs herself. See? SHE IS SO BUSY. Erika's glam squad has made a pink wig for her to wear to the party and it's so cool I almost die. Dorito is getting gold foil put in her hair. I don't even know. Nothing surprises me where this one is concerned. OF COURSE she's getting gold foil put in her hair. What else could even be happening. It looks like she has rich person dandruff it's awful. The worst. Even her kid hates it.
GUYS. WHERE IS SASOON?
Say whatever you wanna say about her LVP knows how to throw a kick ass party. Everything is beautiful. Dorito is the first to arrive and she's nervous, and she should be. I hope the other girls eat her for dinner at next week's finale. I can't wait.