RuPAUL'S DRAG RACE / SEASON 9 PREMIERE
Listen. We love this show more than cheese. We love this show more than Oprah loves bread. But here’s the tee—some seasons are a casting jackpot and some seasons are a dumpster fire. And as we know from our rankings, the only thing that matters is the quality of the queens. And honestly, we’re skeptical AF of this group. What’s happening with everyone’s skin? Maybe don’t watch this season in HD, it’s like RuPaul’s Get to the Dermatologist Race.
We’re also skeptical of THIS NEW BUDGET. It’s like, yes, we want the whole world to come to this party because Ru says drag can defeat Donald Trump and if Ru says it, it must be true. But part of what’s special about Drag Race is it’s a little DIY. Just like drag is DIY. It’s subversive. It’s creative. And all the sudden we’re on VH1 and Ru doesn’t even bother putting on a dress?? Michelle looks even thinner and sort of… classy?!? We’ve got a new runway. We’ve got a new judges table.
Definitely not sure about that—we don’t need to see feet, amirite?
WE’VE GOT GAGA.
Are these new queens strong enough to carry the weight of this new, polished-up Drag Race???
Let’s find out.
We like Peppermint’s attitude but don’t really get her lewk. It’s very 90’s Poetic Justice Romeo and Juliet Geisha Art Fair Jewelry realness. But she’s charming, clearly Miss Congeniality. Somebody snatch those contacts out her eye though!
Latina bratz doll with amazing eyebrows and a BERET OFF STAGE. YAS.
Yay a big girl serving catfish! Eureka says she’s as country as a biscuit and she loves eating them too and we have high hopes that she’s going to make us laugh and have fun. Except she also seems a bit fragile and like these other queens might eat her alive.
A 52-year-old queen! Omg! Is this the oldest we’ve ever had? Jeremy and I are split on Charlie. Jeremy says “Bitchy but not in a charming way. Already want her to go home.” I say, I love her pink outfit with those giant dangling glasses. I want to wear the whole aaahhhnnnn-sammmm-bleu.
Don’t love it. She seems very young. Needs help picking out her wigs.
Jeremy: “This Bitch came in and screamed for her intro. Imma drop a house on her head.”
Adrienne: “LOVE HER. She enters with a scream which is an Alaska future of drag runway rip off, but her bald crown and animated eyebrows lewk I’m living for. Hopeful she’s going to give us some amazing runways.”
She says she’s a Broadway queen. SHOCKING. Purple lewk is uninspired.
It’s our Chicago queen! Obviously we’re going to be pulling hard for Shea to be amazing. She says she’s a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget and we love this. But to be honest, we’re already worried about her taste.
She says she’s “the body.” She loves plastic surgery and she loves herself. Her styling is SO ORLANDO. She announces to everyone that she’s NOT PADDED and she’s aight. If you’re into hateful bitches.
WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH HER ASS. Personally I think she’s hotter out of drag, which is sort of a problem.
Don’t understand this messy Milwaukee queen at all. YOU’RE ON TV, GURL.
NINA BO’NINA BROWN
Came in dressed like a mouse? Makeup looked crazy. Imma try to be patient and see what happens.
The Gaga entrance is everything. The yo, I’m Ronnie and I’m New Jersey’s number one Lady Gaga impersonator is THRILLING. The queens completely die when they realize it’s her. Eureka has like a full on break down. Get her a two piece and a biscuit!
There’s an impromptu Supermodel reprise and for a minute WE LOVE EVERYONE.
It’s time for the Miss Charisma Uniqueness Nerve and Talent Pageant, where essentially we’re just going to have an extended runway with two looks each: Home City Frock and Lady Gaga Drag.
City Frock standouts:
Valentina’s mariachi fantasy
Eureka’s red neck realness—she had a pack of American Spirits dangling from her ear!
Sasha’s modern art lewk
Shea Coulee’s HOT DOG HAT. Bitch, I’m from Chicago!
Nina turns her head into a peach and we don’t know if it’s amazing or crazy
Gaga narrating a parade of herself is everything. Does anyone even know what she's talking about? Is this her being her? Is this relaxed and real? Who knows, but we love it. It’s just so damn un-relatable. Can she be on every episode? Nina Bonina shakes her tits a lot, says she’s serving black girl Gaga, and wins everything.
And then, godammit, it’s like the Oscars all over again, AND WE CANNOT.
WHO IS THE 14th QUEEN???
It can’t be Shangela.
Is it Shangela?