ERMEGERD THE FINAL ROSE (YAWN)
FINALLY we're at Nick's final rose ceremony. Well, maybe. Who can even tell? Whoever said "third time's the charm," never met this putz. We might be back four more times, as the producers remind us ENDLESSLY ALL NIGHT LONG. Nick's been rejected by Andi, ditched by Kaitlyn, jilted by Amanda, and now here he is, faced with one good option and one bad option. I think we all know which one he's going to take.
We're still in Finland. No shade to the good people of Finland, BUT REALLY? What part of hanging out near the arctic circle sounds sexy? WE WANT TO SEE NICK SHIRTLESS, ABC, YOU HAVE ONE JOB, GAH.
It's time for Raven and Vanessa to meet Nick's family. Nick's mom (who is Suze Orman?) is on the edge of tears as we wait for Raven to arrive. Everyone sits in the living room like they're at a Shiva house, why are they so depressed? Is it because it's too cold for Nick to take his shirt off? Or is that weird.
They take turns reviewing the facts. Nick is scared, his heart has been broken. YOU GUYS. WE GET IT. We've been watching the show. Please... just... go build a snowman. Raven finally arrives and everyone acts if she and Bella have a tight bond because Raven watched Bella play soccer once. This light acoustic guitar is really trying to get me to care about this but my hearts is stone.
Raven gets her moment with Suze Orman and goes on and on about how much she loves Nick. Suze says Raven seems like such an honest, true person, so obviously he will not choose her.
Kaitlyn is at home with her personal-trainer-Ryan-Gosling-look-alike-fiance and she's like GET MY NAME OUT YO MOUTH IT WAS LITERALLY YEARS AGO.
We're so depressed and bored at this point that we start pricing flights to Helsinki. It’s cheaper than you might think. Suze toes the line by remaining on the edge of tears and can we talk for a minute about how it's sorta hard to not get distracted by Nick's dad's eyes? You know we love everybody and come in peace, but what is happening??? Is he blind? Did he get tired of being married for THIRTY EIGHT YEARS WITH TEN CHILDREN and gouge his own eyes out?
Raven leaves, which means Nick has to change coats and winter accessories. Who's doing the costuming here, Burlington Coat Factory??
Vanessa arrives, mounts Nick, and then does her version of charming where she recounts the date where she puked everywhere and Nick still kissed her anyway. The family looks unimpressed. Of course they do. WHO IS MORE CHARMING THAN A CHER IMPERSONATOR FROM HOXIE, ARKANSAS? Nobody. Vanessa knows she’s being lame AF and starts to cry. DEEP SIGH. Nick says “I had a lot of fun.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! These two are so beige; they deserve each other. Are we sure Vanessa is from Montreal? She is serving some serious midwestern realness with her skinny cargo pants and an off the shoulder top. #TheDreamOfThe90sIsAliveInFinland
THROWS TOFU AT TV.
Just when you think you can’t take anymore and want to crawl in bed and eat your weight in Girl Scout cookies: THEY HAVE TO GO ON MORE DATES. This show is fun, but we have a kitchen to clean and a whole life to live. DANG.
COAT CHANGE. Seriously. A whole new coat. This is ridiculous.
Vanessa trudges through the snow towards Nick. Will she get enough momentum to mount him? SHE WILL. He bounces her up and down like a baby. Nick says that this week is a two way street and then smacks her on the ass while she mounts a horse.
Yeah. Their date is horseback riding. In the snow. In Finland. Is anyone in charge? We'd rather do ANYTHING other than ride a horse in the Arctic Circle. Try as they might these two can't even make it sound good. “This is so fun.” And “wow.” That's all they got.
STFU A SANTA JUST PEEKED OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE. DID YOU JUST SEE THAT? IS THIS A HORROR MOVIE? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
They approach a cabin, and suddenly Santa comes out. Because of course he fucking does. All we want to do right here is throw up. The feeling intensifies when Vanessa gets excited about Santa like an idiot three year old. Do we need to get on the phone and tell her that this is not Santa and that Santa isn’t real? Please. Can we make that phone call? She cozies up next to this creepy dude in the woods like a real weirdo all, I just want to be next to you Santa. What is happening? She says it’s bringing her back to her childhood.
Whut. She cray. Please. Vanessa's childhood Santa was in a mall rotunda next to an Orange Julius, just like the rest of us.
Santa asks them what’s on top of their wish list. They both wish for love and happiness. Barf. Santa is so grossed out by this whole mess that he almost burns his robes up in the fire as he brings out a gift. Praying to god it’s the special needs scrapbook! Nope, it’s a weird wooden heart craft piece of crap.
This date continues. It's so boring. Nick talks about his type some more. “Smart, strong, confident women, but eventually it boiled over.” What in the fuck does that mean? There’s a tipping point for how long you’re allowed to be smart strong and confident? They torture each other with what they deeply believe is "important conversation." Nick gaslights her and says that if she wants to look at the situation and make it less romantic, then she can do that. Vanessa is crying and making out with Nick. These two dummies are definitely getting engaged. Then POOF Nick leaves to give Raven the SECOND ORGASM OF HER LIFE. Let's kick over all the lanterns in that room and light everyone on fire. WHO HAS THIS MANY CANDLES BURNING AT ONE TIME EVER?
Coat change. Are they donating these coats to the homeless or what?
Raven mounts Nick the moment she sees him, but thank god she's back to lighten the mood. She's smiling, happy, and excited. You know, the way you're supposed to be when you're in love.
They’re going ice skating. What else would they do? Build an igloo? Raven mounts Nick on the ice skating rink; I mean have you been watching? Raven is fun and playful and puts him in great spirits. They look like they’re having a great time. This can only mean one thing: He’s definitely getting engaged to Vanessa.
They snuggle by the fire and Nick seems genuinely happy. He leaves to get a surprise for Raven. PLEASE BE THE FLORESCENT BLUE SHORTS FROM LAST WEEK. Sigh. He comes back with three puppies? What. What’s happening? Where are they, a kennel? The dogs frolic through the snow just as happy and light hearted as Raven. She says, “This is the best day of my life.” Yeesh, guess that whole, did he make her orgasm thing is still up in the air?
We hope they flew Neil Lane to Findland.
Nick trudges past A FUCKING REINDEER to enter the engagement pagoda.
A car arrives. WHO WILL IT BE???
Obviously it's Raven.
She enters the engagement pagoda through a door of sticks and begins a speech. Why. Stomach hurts. This is classic Bachelor, just soooooo uncomfortable. He literally flinches at about half the things she says but she KEEPS TALKING. Does she literally not know he’s going to dump her right now?
Raven handles it like a pro. She’s a class act. He walks her out of the engagement pagoda and into the snow WITH NO COAT. For the first time in twelve episodes there are no coats to be seen for miles.
Raven doesn’t know if finding love is even possible. Isn’t she like 23? Get a haircut, calm down.
Vanessa enters the engagement pagoda through the doors of sticks. Nick’s already crying. He fucking picks her up again and snots in her hair. Isn’t she supposed to give a speech? She doesn’t. She plays hard to get. Nick says this -->>
And Vanessa orgasms right there on the spot. He pulls out a ring, she starts making out with him through her sobs. HE CONTINUES TO PICK HER UP LIKE A CHILD. WHY. They get in a sleigh, driven by a woman probably making 87 cents on the dollar to her male-sleigh-driving counterparts, and they slide right into their future, i.e., the next six months where they fight and make each other miserable until they eventually break up so Nick can focus on his skincare line and spinsterhood.
Praise Oprah this ordeal is finally over. We CANNOT WAIT to see what sort of a mess Rachel is going to find for herself, or what will happen to sweet little Raven on Bachelor in Paradise. Now. Will someone cut Nick's hair, please? PLEASE!?