If you're ever feeling like confirming your poverty, I suggest tuning in to a Housewives packing montage. The ladies are off to Hong Kong this week because, well, they have more money than God. That means you're stuck here with me eating a wilty bag of salad from Walgreens. That's how we do it way down here in the gutter.
What we're witnessing at the top of the episode is more than getting ready for a trip. This is a sport. Their packing is so engaging that I'm 99% sure it's cool if I call off my run for the day. I'm so dazzled by the spectacle of it all I must have burned at least 800 calories while sitting on my couch. It's MAJOR. This shit should have its own channel.
LVP puts together three suitcases for a five day trip. There's a make-up suitcase, an underwear suitcase, and a clothing suitcase. She hasn't been to Hong Kong in 18 years, what do we expect. OF COURSE she's bringing three suitcases. No. Not bag. Suitcase. Is this your first day? Rich people never say bag unless their talking about a Birkin. Suddenly we're on the floor of Rinna's closet talking to a dog about packing. Is this her attempt to show empathy toward LVP? Is she high on one of her smoothies? BLAM! We're with chatterbox Dorit. She's rambling on to a housekeeper about what to bring. Bored yet? Think you've seen it all? POOF! Erika has a meeting with her glam squad in the dining hall she calls a closet. They've put together six looks for her, and published them in a dossier. I know everything isn't a competition, but Erika wins everything all the time.
A PROFESSIONALLY PRINTED PACKET OF OUTFIT CHOICES FOR YOUR VACATION?
Everyone shows up to the airport dressed for the Oscars. Everyone except for Erika who's wearing sweats. She looks out of place until they mention that the flight is 15 hours long. FIFTEEN HOURS. This show should be called Dumb Bitches Who Hang Out With Erika Girardi. LVP is right, the crown is heavy darling, so just leave it where it belongs ... ON ERIKA'S HEAD.
Most of the ladies seem to go to sleep pretty quickly, so there's no plane drama for us to wade through. This is thanks in part to Rinna "passing out sleeping pills like their candy." Eileen is wide awake and films everyone's sleeping face for us, well everyone except for LVP. We never see LVP, I think we all know that's because she's obviously a vampire.
We land in Hong Kong and are whisked away to the hotel. The rooms are BEYOND and second only to whatever magic happened in Dubai last season. They're in a beautiful place, but it's not like anyone has their own private aquarium on this trip, at least not that we've seen yet.
There's a group dinner. Wait. Is it breakfast? Maybe lunch? Cocktail hour? It's impossible to tell what time it is or what time even means anymore. We never see food or anyone eating, so who knows. Erika shows up in one of her Glam Squad approved looks. There's a silk robe situation that is to die for and her hair is in Victory Rolls. She's magic and life changing, everyone is charmed.
Dorit is instantly stressed and desperate to have Erika's attention, and when Erika sits next to her she acts like a lunatic. I simply can't belieeeeeeve you're sitting next to meeeee. You can actually feel Erika decide not to light her on fire. Eden (OHMYGOD I KNOW FINALLY SOMETHING FROM EDEN) reveals that she's going to meet a dude that's she's been flirting with on the Internet. She's flying him to New York soon. Not now, not here, but you know, sometime soon one zillion miles away in New York City, where we are not right now. This whole exchange makes me feel like she might be totally insane, but I guess she just wants everyone to know that her life isn't a total nap. Nobody cares, they continue to stare at Erika's Victory Rolls.
LVP gets very emotional when talking about the next day's dog business (PS we don't know what this even means yet), and everyone else talks about what their plans are for the next day. Kyle and Erika are going to go sight seeing. Rinna and Eden are going to climb a mountain. Dorit is going with LVP (her only friend) and then shocker of all shocks: Eileen decides to join LVP too. You guys. Eileen is far to nice and logical to be on this show. Can one of you please get this woman her own TV or Broadway show already? She's far too good for this.
ANYWAY. SUSPENSE MUSIC. ARE THEY GONNA MAKE UP!?!??!
So the next day everyone is running around living their best rich people lives. Kyle actually says to Erika, "I love seeing how other people live." I mean I guess this is really about being in a new place, but all I could hear was LOOK AT ALL THESE BROKE ASS PEOPLE LOLOLOL.
Everything has been low key up to this point, and Hong Kong is starting to feel like a real snooze fest. Sigh. I wish somebody would wrestle already. AND THEN BOOOM! RINNA CRANKS IT UP A NOTCH. Thank God. I was almost asleep (except for the Victory Rolls, obvi).
Rinna tells Eden that she has a sixth sense and suspects that Dorit is talking about her behind her back. She has a feeling that Dorit is trying to turn her "joke (BWAHAHAHAHA) about Xanax smoothies" into something more serious. This is Housewives speak for somebody told me Dorit is talking about me behind my back help me figure out what to do about it. Eden freaks out California style and looks like she's actually grabbing a thought from the air. She's remembering something! Is Eden a stroke victim? What is happening. Eden confirms that she heard Dorit talk about the xanny smoothies at dinner in Mexico.
Meanwhile? We discover that we're in Hong Kong so LVP can do a voice over for a documentary about Yulin's dog meat festival. I almost want to make fun of this because it's way less of an ordeal than LVP presents to everyone, but the room is visibly shaken by the trailer for the documentary. So, yeah, just to confirm I'm a terrible person. The trailer for the doc is so moving that Eileen hugs LVP.
MIRACLES HAPPEN, YOU GUYS.
Time is on super FF in Hong Kong ... so ... FLASH BANG POP ... we're all back at the hotel on our way to dinner. There's a mini fashion show BECAUSE ERIKA. For some reason Eden is wearing a black wig? Ok, girl. Do your thang.
On the private antique dinner boat, yes all those words, private, antique, dinner boat, Rinna confronts Dorit. I HAVE A SIXTH SENSE blah blah blah. I have no idea how Rinna thinks she gets to be all sensitive about whatever people are saying about her at this point, but like ... aiiiiight. I mean fights are fun, especially on private, antique, dinner boats in Hong Kong.
There's some back and forth between Rinna and Dorito. Is there some rumor spreading here? Some viscous gossip? The other ladies are slowly dragged into the conversation and we see footage from earlier in the season. Dorito being gossipy at dinner about Rinna's smoothies and a bag of pills. Everyone is now in the conversation at this point trying to clear the air. Everyone except for Erika.
It's at this point that I realize that this whole episode, and perhaps THIS ENTIRE SEASON, has been leading up to this moment. The episode is almost over and Queen Erika steps up to the plate.
Erika rehashes the dinner conversation about Xanax smoothies (and a bag of pills LOL) and how Dorito was basically insinuating that Rinna's behavior toward Kim was because of her "maybe drug problem." As she's explaining, Dorit goes all Dorito and becomes a conversation bulldozer. Erika interrupts and says, "Let me finish Dorit. You talk a lot." Dorito snaps back with, "You don't talk enough."
OH MY GOD FINALLY SOMETHING IS HAPPENING: WE'RE IN A FIGHT!
They go nuclear. The episode ends with Erika saying, you can't connect with me because I don't like bullshit, Dorit, and that's what I think you are ...
GASP ... TO BE CONTINUED!
WTF am I even going to do with myself until next week. Time to make a wardrobe dossier I guess?