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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

KIDS RUIN EVERYTHING: QUEEN EDITION

KIDS RUIN EVERYTHING: QUEEN EDITION

I wasn't the only mom having her life ruined by a child yesterday. (Mine puked all over my birthday, wtf) At the opening of a memorial honoring war veterans, this military mom couldn't get her two-year-old under control, because yo, they just do what they want, even if the godammed QUEEN is standing right there.

I love this kid. I mean, I'm super glad he's not mine. But I like the way he's just gone limp and literally gives zero fucks. In the video he tries to run away. And the Queen and her entourage just stand there waiting for him to hand her flowers like a trained monkey so they can move on to the next PR station. BUT LOOK AT THAT HAT AND HANDBAG ELIZABETH SLAYS. (Also Phillip's so old I'm a little worried all those medals might drag him to the ground.)

All the news items on this were like, Elizabeth totally gets it, she has a million grandchildren! Please. My parents are like 30 years younger than Elizabeth and to this day if my kid wants to sleep with the bedside light on they're like WHUT. If my kid doesn't want to do something charming like play a piano concierto, they're like, should he go to his room? So trust me, 90-year-old Elizabeth is standing there dreaming about corgis and driving across a Scotland bog to shoot at squab while wearing a long tartan skirt and sensible shoes. She's not compelled to help or even be embarrassed for this mom because she's a queen and thus FREE from the daily prison that is raising children. Sure, we love them. FINE. But when you can't even have a BIRTHDAY LUNCH, don't tell me you're not oppressed by them.

There was also this sort of humorless dad whose kids busted in on his BBC interview yesterday, which killed me because I love the way the first kid sort of dances in, just all beep, bop, boop, what's going on in here?

Maybe this dad is just trying to keep his cool. But like the mom almost kills herself trying to get the damn kids out and yo, dad CANNOT GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER. He just keeps grimacing and grimacing and cannot say shit about South Korea, or any of the Koreas actually. That's just like, so dad of him. LOLZ. He's the guy who's like, ew it puked, take it. KARMA, bro, KARMA.

 

ST. PATRICK'S DAY: HELL ON EARTH

ST. PATRICK'S DAY: HELL ON EARTH

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY LEFTOVERS

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY LEFTOVERS