GIFTS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE YOU LOWKEY HATE
Heaux, Heaux, Heaux! Tis the season for merriment, celebrating family and friends, and a lot of… who the hell am I kidding, a whole lot of time, money and energy spent on people you’d rather ignore. IT’S THE HOLIDAYS, GUYS! Break out the Xanax.
Because we over gift in this country, it can be tough figuring out what you have to give someone when you’re contractually obligated to but in reality would rather claw your eyes out (I’m pretty sure this is why both Harry and David and The Sharper Image exist). I’m not Oprah, or Gwyneth, or even The Today Show (This Year’s #1 Suggestion: Don’t Be a Jerk, Matt Lauer!). Short story long: I can’t help you with the people you do like. But those you don’t? I got you covered.
Here are some time-honored gifts you may give to those in your life you’d rather not. Upon receiving, if the recipient appears confused or gives you a hard time, start laughing and say they’re so glad they got the joke. As they stand there confused, slip back into the throng of holiday revelers never to be seen again. Mission accomplished. Happy hunting, Sebastian!
Your Obnoxious Teenage Niece or Nephew
Remember your formally cute niece or nephew, and how much you loved being the cool aunt/uncle and bestowing amazing and thoughtful gifts? Well, now that wee babe is a 14-year-old retainer drooling monster who treats their mother like shit. What do they get? A donation in their name to the American Red Cross. Upon giving, smile and say how proud you are of what a caring young person they’re turning in to. They will grumble a thank-you and immediately go to their room and curse you with some faux-wiccan thing they bought from Urban Outfitters.
Your Mansplaining, Fox News Loving Uncle
What do you get the man who already has all the not remotely revisionist versions of American history Bill O’Reilly books? A subscription to The Progressive. If you’re feeling saucy, sign him up for two years. Make sure you wrap it in a really pretty box, and upon his opening, say extremely earnestly: “I’m so impressed by your ability to see everything as fair and balanced! I got you something to honor your love of seeing things from both sides.” Note: this doesn’t work if you’ve gotten into arguments with said FIL about Fox News, but if you can play it straight you’re golden.
Your Extremely Left Leaning Brother-in-Law
A Walmart gift card. Preferably in a large enough denomination that he will actually have to spend it. As you give it, make sure to let him know how adorable you found the Walmart greeter. Side note: make sure your father-in-law and brother-in-law aren’t attending the same gift giving event otherwise they might just switch.
Your Overprotective Sister
Your sister used to be a cool chick, but then she had a wee one or twelve and now she’s an overprotective hot mess. It’s time to get her the gift that scares her the most: give her eight-year-old daughter a gift certificate to Justice. Come for the sassy borderline inappropriate tween t-shirts, stay for the lacy razorback training bralets (P.S. ok, weighing in as a Mom here, but Justice you’re the fucking worst). On second thought, give your sister a break and just bring her wine and a straw.
In case you haven’t heard, glitter is all the rage, especially for lady bosses. Apparently, all you need to achieve in 2017 is a little glitter and #inspirationalslogans and you’re on your way to being a billionaire. But since you’re an equal opportunity employee it doesn’t matter what gender your boss is: it’s time to get them all the glitter they can handle. Brought to you by the good people at Ruin Days, it’s an actual glitter bomb. Send to your boss at home with accompanied by a bottle of Trader Joe’s finest, and feign surprise and embarrassment when you tell them you accidentally mixed up the glitter bomb, which was meant for your nephew, with his/her American Red Cross donation (see above).
That Neighbor Who You Don’t Know Well Who Shows Up with a Gift Unannounced and It’s Really Not Necessary but Oh Shit Now You Have to Reciprocate
Yankee Candle. Preferably re-gifted from another neighbor. Frankly just keep it wrapped from the original gifter.
Dude, it’s your Mom. I can’t think of anything mean to get your Mom. She might be insane, but you’re on your own for this one.
KT, I Don’t Want To Be Passive Aggressive. I Want To Be Aggressive Aggressive.
Ladies and gentlemen, there’s only one option. It is a bag of dicks.
And to all a goodnight!