A HANDMAID'S TALE HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Or it would be, if the Republic of Gilead hadn’t outlawed Christmas as too pagan. While we’re all stuck in our houses, let’s dream a little dream of what we would get our favorite Handmaids and oppressors this holiday season if Amazon Prime was still a thing and we had our own bank accounts.
Commander Fred Waterford
This is a no brainer. For Commander Devil Fred, we’re going with this lovely deluxe Scrabble board. The beautiful walnut case will look great in his mancave and compliment his supply of brown liquors. We all know this guy is just the worst, but he deserves the luxe Scrabble lifestyle.
Serena Joy Waterford
Our least favorite Wife/vindictive bitch in blue gets this adult coloring book set.
We know that Wives are encouraged to garden and knit, but sometimes it's too cold to garden (just like your cold, dead, sexless marriage) and knitting loses its allure. For those moments, reach for the adult coloring book. Coloring is for children, you might sneer. Of course it is! Women are like children but worse. Serena Joy can lose herself in coloring the intricate patterns included here and sublimate her incredible rage at the situation she helped create.
For our protagonist, we’re thinking Birchbox subscription all the way.
The little teeny tiny samples of product she receives can easily be squirreled away. In times like these, it’s the simplest pleasures that keep one from just hanging herself in the closet. With Birchbox, Offred can skip the face butter and moisturize for once. Bonus: she can use the makeup samples to replace some of Commander Devil Fred’s worn out black market cosmetics. I’m sure she’ll feel better, not having to wear a dead woman’s makeup when she’s smuggled out of the house to go to Jezebel’s and pretend to be into sex with an asshole.
This surly little thing is a man, so he still gets to read. Let’s gift him a book.
Now he can actually read Hemingway instead of just telling people he has. Pairs well with that bottle of brown liquor Commander Devil Fred is sure to slip him as a seasonal bonus.
Our beloved Martha puts up with a lot of shit in this dysfunctional household, so let’s go all out for her: a juicer. Finally, she can juice all the damned oranges Offred keeps bringing home with this deluxe juicer! Hey, it’s top rated by America’s Test Kitchen (before America became Gilead).
Moira is a good friend and she’s seen some shit. She also loves tagging. That’s why we picked out this forbidden book. Now she can make that AUNT LYDIA SUX into something special. Just hope she doesn’t get caught, or it will cost her a hand!
This lucky asshole is straight chillin’ in Canada, enjoying hot beverages with his new mute boo. If I know one thing about Canada and hot beverages, it’s Tim Horton’s. So we’ll order a digital giftcard for him to use on his refugee phone.
It must be nice!
What do we get for the sadistic bitch in our lives? How about a nice foot massager? Inculcating terrified young women into a grotesque mockery of Christianity and stealing babies takes a toll on the old dogs! Now Aunt Lydia can pop her cloven hooves in this bad boy and get whisked away to Paradise. When she gets tired of it I’m sure it can be modified into a torture device!
So that’s something for the whole crew! Too bad Christmas is cancelled!