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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

40 AIN'T SHIT

40 AIN'T SHIT

There are many things young women dream about. That cutie pie in their study hall, maybe what their wedding day looks like in the future, what job they will take in the big bad world and how many greys will be in their pubes when they turn 40.

Wait! You didn’t think about that? Truth be told…neither did I. 

But on the morning of my 40th birthday, I thought, damn lady, Greys be taking over.   

I never dreamed about 40. I had thoughts. For instance, I thought I would have my shit together. No debt…HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, a man to regularly give me the good sex! I should probably stop saying, “Give me the good sex” maybe that’s been my problem along?! My biggest thought was, problems disappear when you’re 40 right? LOLOLOL So much disillusion!  

Okay, I overexagerate. I know problems don’t magically disappear overnight because everything Disney taught me is a GOD DAMN LIE! But I did think 40 was a bit of a magical age where the smell of bullshit becomes stronger and you become wiser because of it. Wasn’t it around 40 when your grandmother became sassier and stopped taking shit? Okay, I wasn’t there when she turned 40…but I heard stories!

When exactly is the age when old people stop being polite and start getting real? Grandma didn’t have the Real World to teach her that. She learned it by watching….who? 

On the morning of my 40th, I have debt up to my eye balls. I am still pursuing that dream that I have chased since I discovered it at 12. But because I am still running down that dream…deep breath, RIP TOM PETTY, my life is so much different than the other people who are 40 around me. I am very much aware of the discrepancy. I know that “comparison is the theft of joy.” (Thank you Pinterest for your quotes!) But I am also very much aware of how society starts to ignore older people, especially women. People don’t see me when I exit the Brown line and walk right into my 6 foot frame. I have experienced being ignored by the bartender. Again I am 6 feet tall. If you don’t see this, you need to go to Pearl! This bartender incident shook a 26-year-old woman who witnessed it. “What is happening?!” she kept asking me and I had to tell her,
“This is what happens when you are almost 40.”

This is why Grandmas everywhere stopped giving a shit. Shout out to the amazing show Grace and Frankie, season 1 where Frankie shoplifts cigarettes as revenge for being ignored at a grocery store. She uses her invisibility to her advantage! I may have stood up and cheered her on in my apartment. I also may have cursed my opportunity for not jumping over the bar and serving myself ALL OF THE CHAMPAGNE!

I don’t mean to scare you, people of the world about to turn 40, but I am here as a wakeup call.  Start seeing older people. Yes! That old woman, she’s only 43, CALM DOWN who walks up and down Lake Shore Drive pushing her “granny cart,” She lives in a high rise!! Granny Carts just make better sense! Spoiler Alert: she is A HUMAN BEING! Ask her a question! She may have a great story to tell or at least be able to tell you how she can afford to live in a high rise on LSD with a  spinster’s income. Start seeing people with grey hair, laugh lines and bald spots. MMMMhhhhh, mama loves a silver fox with a bald spot…Shut up it’s HOT! Holy Crap do I need to go to Pound Town. Start acknowledging that OLDER PEOPLE indeed exist. Stop making jokes when you’re hit on by an older person in a bar, “Oh my god! He/she was like 40!” First off, I’ve met some 20 year olds who look rough as hell! Don’t assume their age!

As my gift to the world, here are some mantras for you all!

40 isn’t old. You don’t expire overnight. You aren’t milk.

You’re a goddamn Vintage ass wine that only gets better with age so STOP comparing yourself and STOP thinking about your grey pubes. 

Fuck the people who ignore you. 

Appreciate the people in your life who support you and that dream you are still running down.

 One day the debt will be gone and that dream vacation will happen.

You’ll appreciate that vacation more because YOU worked so hard to get there. You will stand on that cliff in New Zealand and shout into the ocean…I AM A VINATAGE ASS WINE MOTHER FUCKERS! You will probably be taken away to a looney bin but who the fuck cares…you’ll be your grandma’s age by then and Grandmas DON’T GIVE A FUCK! 40 Ain’t Shit!

THE BACHELOR CONTESTANT BIOS ARE HERE!

THE BACHELOR CONTESTANT BIOS ARE HERE!

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