Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



We start off right where we left off - Kenya performing her contractual obligation of making Kim Z lose her wine-drenched mind.

Kenya says that Kim pimps out her daughter for John Legend tickets, which is technically true per Twitter receipts and the words that Kim typed. But, upon hearing Brielle’s name, Kim just loses it. She jumps up, Shereé pulls her down, she jumps up again,  Shereé  pulls her down again, she grabs and glass and flings it across the room. It’s like that couch has been dipped in PCP or something because each time Kim’s ass touches it she gets crazier and crazier. Some producer who realizes that like hey there may be actual blood spilled here on NeNe’s brand new floors, runs outside and gets Kroy who has, you know, been sitting in the car in the driveway this entire time. Meanwhile, the normies who snagged an invitation to this party are LIVING. 

Kroy grabs Kim and murmers into her ear calmly, like she’s a wild horse. He keeps saying “I know we’ll talk about it outside we’ll talk about it outside,” and then, after he’s finally able to get her outside on the porch, she does that thing where she pretends that she's calmed down only so she can trick Kroy into letting her go inside and hit Kenya real quick, but Kroy knows his wife and actually says, “Fucking no.”

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NeNe sums up the fight thusly, “You can’t be posting things about your kid sucking dick and then be mad when people say that your kid might suck dick,” and, I mean, that's the absolute truth. 

So no one will let Kim back into the house and the whole thing is dying down so Kim and Shereé decide to take this party on the road and roll up to Porsha’s house, where she just so happens to be futzing with wigs and a camera crew. Kim, Shereé, and Kroy pour into Porsha’s house unannounced and Porsha is like, “How long do I need to pretend like I’m fine with you being in my home?” They sit down and get more booze and start telling Porsha the story of the fight that we just saw. Kim says that she almost beat Kenya and Porsha is an amazing actress because she makes a pretty convincing surprised face when she and me and you and little baby Jesus Christ know that whenever you get Kim and Kenya in a room together some level of violence is guaranteed to occur.


Back at NeNe’s, Cynthia asks everyone to acknowledge that Kenya was on her best behavior. And, I mean, is she on Kenya's payroll? Is she Kenya’s new publicist? I don’t think that we can call yelling transphobic hate speech at another person anything resembling “best behavior.”

Back at Porsha’s, Kim suddenly invents that fact that Kenya mentioned her injured son and that’s what set her off. Now, Kim’s son did get bit in the face by their family dog and the situation is very upsetting and unfortunate and someone bringing it up to hurt you would be reason to show someone that your hands work quite well but, also, that 100% did not happen. Porsha’s reaction to this is information to become aghast that someone would bring up both your injured son AND your ho daughter. You guys, that's such a good band name: Your Injured Son and Your Ho Daughter. Catch them opening up for Xscape this summer!  

Back at NeNe’s, Cynthia maintains that Kenya was behaving herself and we are all required to love her unconditionally the way that her mother never did. And, you guys, at this point you can tell it has been A NIGHT because their makeup is starting to crack. Can these ladies get a touch up? No, because that makes better TV? Well, OK then.

Kandi Factory! Kani arrive with Ace and, barring Blue Ivy and the twins, I think that Ace has like the best life ever. Solid 4th place for best baby social life, hands-down. Kandi is talking to DonJuan about her mommy guilt and like find a new story line this one is tired. YOU ARE RICH BRING YOUR CHILD EVERYWHERE AND ALSO BRING A NANNY PROBLEM SOLVED.

Shereé shows up with those braids in a new configuration and personally I’m not a fan of how much scalp this particular arrangement is showing, but also I think that Shereé‘s braids need to get their own spin-off. Shereé tells Kandi about the party and the fight and then she perpetuates the bullshit that is that injured son line. DonJuan, who hates all of these women and doesn’t trust anything that they say, responds, “That is not true.” Shereé responds that she didn’t hear that line herself and Kandi asks, “Did anyone hear it?” True Detective, Season 3: Kandi and DonJuan.

Shereé invites Kandi to come with on their mandatory San Francisco girls trip. I love it sooooo much how they have to keep pretending that these trips are spontaneous season after season. The ratings go up when you’re all trapped in a bus together! That’s why you’re going! It has fuck all to do with your life coach or treating yourself or supporting your friend and it has everything to do with getting people jet lagged and drunk so they can scream at each other in front of a different skyline. And I support it, 100%.

Moore Manor, where Kenya is not in her wedding dress but she is crying so everything’s normal, nothing to see here. Kenya’s sad because her grandmother passed away, and her grandmother raised her. Cynthia comes over with flowers and Kenya shows her a video of her grandmother explaining that she took Kenya because she didn’t want her to go into the foster system and it’s actually pretty sweet I have nothing shitty to say about it. Kenya also says that grandma met Baby Marc and now here comes the mean comment – um, so the only person who has met your husband in real life is now dead how convenient.

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PACKING TIME! PACKING TIME! Marlo comes over to see NeNe and her amaze closet. NeNe shows Marlo all of her things and she legit opens a drawer full of underwear and tosses them like a salad while Marlo says, “I love I love.” Do you? Do you love a grown woman tossing dozens of pairs of her underwear right next to you? Is that something that fills your soul?

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NeNe decides to bring Marlo with to San Francisco as a surprise for the other girls. Really, what’s going on is, she needs to have someone who is committed to fixing her bun mid-fight because she loves that look even though she knows it's problematic and she can’t trust anyone else.

NeNe mentions in a very casual way that she is super jealous of Cynthia and Kenya being close friends now. Marlo asks if she’s allowed to pass Porsha the butter or if she’s going to be required to pretend that Porsha is a dead corpse on the ground. NeNe says that Marlo is OK to talk to Porsha even though NeNe she still hates Porsha. And the reason for this hate? Because Porsha calmly said the phrase “the door is closed” once which NeNe now rennacts by screaming “THE DOOR IS CLOSED! THE DOOR IS CLOSED! THE DOOR IS CLOSED!” over and over again until she sounds like a Dalek, I swear.

Airport time! Porsha brings like one suitcase for every 30 minutes she’s going to be in San Francisco.
They land in San Francisco and then are crowded onto a bus that circles the city until something interesting happens. At first it’s tense because each one of them wants to light at least two others on fire.

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NeNe says that she would make a good life coach but I think there’s more to it then screaming “FIX IT!” and walking out of the room. To kill time, they talk about when they last had sex. Cynthia won’t answer so I’m going with she hasn’t had sex since the week before she married Peter. Porsha had sex five months ago, Shereé says she hasn’t had sex in a while and NeNe is like NOPE THAT IS A LIE. She says “Someone has been nibbling on those tits” and it makes me think of a bunny it’s so gross make it stop. Shereé says that she’s in love but she hasn’t had sex and Kenya puts it together that the man must be incarcerated. Or, she’s just been reading the blogs.

Shereé talks about this dude that she loves who is in prison, how his name is Tyrone, how they dated before, and Cynthia's face is like "I'm happy for you also this is a bad plan."  

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Kenya is, I think, sneaking her dogs into the hotel? Like, can she not get a dog sitter? That is some co-dependent nonsense. Kenya also brought her grandma crying pictures with and arranged them on her hotel bed, because I guess crying on a bed is now Kenya’s brand.
They dress for dinner. Marlo has arrived and is wearing a slip, but the kind of slip you wear when you want to fuck, to dinner. 

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Then she also puts on this lace-bunny-ear-fascinator-face-veil thing and NeNe says, “I think being a bunny is a bit much tonight,” and Marlo ignores her because she is fully committed to her Playboy-bunny-slumber-party-emergency-hair-repair aesthetic. And then NeNe proposes the best show that will ever be on TV ANDY GREENLIGHT THIS NOW. 

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Dinner is on this balcony so they’re dining al fresco in San Francisco so they are all freezing to death. There’s an amaze moment where they toast and the waiter has to stand there awkwardly holding a salad while he waits for it to be over.

Right after that, NeNe and Porsha get into a fight about the same shit and it's really boring. Find new things to yell about! Instead, the two of them go back and forth about the following topics:

  • Who is upset
  • Who is angry
  • Who is anger management
  • Who should be in anger management
  • You know what you said
  • What did I say
  • Roll the tape back
  • What did I say
  • Roll them back
  • What did I say
  • Roll them back

Honestly, it’s so loud and boring .Then NeNe starts shaking her head while she makes her points and her bun starts coming out and Marlo just gently repairs it while NeNe keeps on yelling where is the gif of this I looked for 30 seconds and didn't find one the world is trash.

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The fight goes on, yelling yelling yelling, and then Marlo moves to sit awkwardly between them and, I mean, would it be less embarrassing for her in this moment if she weren't wearing bunny ears? Yes. But would it be as iconic? Not at all.