heauxs.jpeg

Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS GETS BROADCAST ON BRAVOTV (RHOBH RECAP)

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS GETS BROADCAST ON BRAVOTV (RHOBH RECAP)

Episode 2 opens as the housewives are about to embark on a night of revelry at Tao Nightclub to celebrate a bunch of their summer birthdays, when Lisa Rinna enters the Presidential suite. The ladies can’t believe she’s arrived. Well, they can, in that they absolutely knew she was coming but still, they’re scandalized. Last year, Lisa R accused Dorit of dabbling in coke so the ladies greet Lisa R with awkward politeness normally reserved for Jerry in finance who is weeping audibly after being laid off. The tension is so thick, you could cut it with one of Teddi’s tight, firm butt cheeks. God, they’re like two taught tanned boulders.

Lisa R tells the camera that she and the other birthdays girls are all cancer zodiac signs and she hopes they can just have fun. Lisa’s definitely a cancer but that has nothing to do with astrology. Then Lisa says she’s ready for a rebirth and to make nice and all sort of other platitudes probably induced by a mild Xanax overdose.

LisaNice.gif

At dinner, we learn that Teddi Mellencamp is an accountability coach. This is a profession where one makes their clients work out and eat right. Occasionally, one texts them encouragement. In my world, this is called a personal trainer but accountability coach seems very on brand for a Cougar Mellencamp. Very rock ‘n roll meets excessive wealth.  

Meanwhile, Dorit and Erika are giggling like oversexed schoolgirls with drug habits. They’ve clearly bonded since last year’s Pantygate scandal over their love of their children and the fact that they both travel with indentured stylists who attend to their every hair extension need. #GirlPower

spice.gif

Then, it’s off to the club where friend of the show, Camille Grammer, sexy dances like she’s in a promotional video for Jock Jams Volumes 1. Kyle snipes that Camille has been doing the same dance moves for seven years, which is rich because Kyle’s been doing her signature hair whip/splits since the dawn of time.

hairwhip.gif

The next morning, Lisa R facetimes with her daughter, who complains that her tummy hurts because she ate $280 worth of Wagyu beef and sorry but it’s on your credit card, mom, love ya, bye! Lisa admits that she needs to teach her daughters about money then laughs knowing that won’t happen, because Lisa is less parent and more Home Shopping Network sweater dickey meets Sharon Osbourne.  

Dorit, Teddi, and Erika head out to the casino floor where Dorit promises to “start small” with just a quaint $5000 bet. Erika and Dorit are dressed like Jewish retirees in Boca Raton. Or like they’re going to a key party. Or both. These things are not mutually exclusive.

GAmbling.JPG

Teddi wins $800 and Dorit and Erika are like is that even an amount? Can you even buy bread for $800, not that they eat bread. Dorit and Erika need to immediately spend more than $800 to feel alive so they head off to shop with Lisa Vanderpump, while Teddi heads to the pool, probably to dive into  “Women and Money” by finance guru Suze Orman.

Lisa V is happy that Erika and Dorit are getting along but she wished Erika texted with her more. Erika tells us that she’s used to reaching out to “Queens” who apparently only love cold-hearted one-word texts but she is going to try harder with Lisa V because women need more coddling.

ALERT! Kyle has drama, you guys. Please believe her. It’s real. After last year’s reunion where her sister Kim and Lisa R ripped each other apart, Kyle saw Harry Hamlin, Lisa’s husband, on a walk the very next day. GASP. And Harry was mad about Kim’s behavior, on behalf of his wife. I need a fainting couch. That’s the story. Truly, the suspense thriller of the year. Kyle wants to talk to Lisa R about this encounter. For what purpose, I know not.

Later that day, the ladies board the world’s slowest ferris wheel to soak in the natural beauty of the Vegas Strip. The ferris wheel is equipped with enclosed pods, a well-stocked bar, and no escape hatch--a great locale for these women to discreetly address their issues.

watchingferriswheel.gif

But to everyone’s surprise, on this ride, Dorit and Lisa R manage to hash out a detente, where Lisa promises to be kinder, and Dorit promises nothing because she lacks a modicum of self-reflection. Kyle then brings up her encounter with Harry Hamlin and Lisa R is all “It’s Cool,” and Kyle’s like “Well there goes my plotline.” Then Kyle jets off for a Croatian vacation with her family because this low-key Vegas weekend really wore her out.

The other ladies head to dinner and Erika reveals that she didn’t meet her father until she was 25. Teddi tries to bond with Erika and fails and feels mildly self-conscious. And thus concludes the most puritan Vegas trip on which anyone in the history of the world has ever embarked. Someone better cat fight soon or Andy Cohen will stomp his feet and shake his fists and heads will roll.

AndyCohenMad.gif
TOP 5 DISASTROUS WINE & FIGHT PAIRINGS OF NEW YEARS EVES PAST

TOP 5 DISASTROUS WINE & FIGHT PAIRINGS OF NEW YEARS EVES PAST

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LAST JEDI

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LAST JEDI