HOW TO START RUNNING LIKE A BOSS BITCH
This is how the Fat Heauxs run:
ARE WE EVEN MOVING???
Obviously we could use some tips so we reached out to a few of our running pals to get some REAL PEOPLE advice. These folks understand the endless struggle of putting one foot in front of the other. And they've also got that runner's high, yo. So if you're thinking about taking up running or are always on the verge of quitting running (like us), here are some things to consider.
Shanna is a regular runner and likes signing up for organized runs.
- If you are new to running don't you fucking dare try running three miles the first time out. You start out hard and fast and burn out before you reach your full potential. Get the couch to 5K app or google Hal Higdon. Just don't try to be a hero. You'll actually end up running more in wait for it...the long run. ZING!
Don't wear all black. If you want to live long enough to enjoy the benefits of running, do not wear all black on a night run. Bright colors are a thing in running because cars are a two-ton thing in running. Prepare to employ defensive running. Turn your music down, look both ways and get your middle finger ready.
GLIDE. Rub it on anything that rubs. Fellas, slather it on your nips. I forgot Glide one year before the Soldier FIeld 10 miler and it looked like someone had used my inner thighs as a punching bag. #NeverAgain
Don't eat chorizo or chicken vindaloo before a run. Take it from me, you will barf. It will be unpleasant. If you are training for a long distance race, eat the exact same thing before every long run and do not change it for race day. If you have a cup of coffee before running 10 miles. Hit Dunkies before 13.1. Nobody needs a caffeine headache stabbing into your skull at mile 6.
Hot tops, cool bottoms...Chicago is a grab bag when it comes to weather. Rule of thumb is to assume your body temperature will rise about 20 degrees when you run. You might be slightly chilly at mile 1 but you will be fucking dying under your UnderArmour at mile 4. This is the only area in my life where I believe less is more. Skip the third layer in the winter and leave your shirt at home in the summer. You'll thank me later.
Jeremy completed a half marathon for the first time this summer and is on his way to completing a 1000 miles in a year - HOLY SMOKES.
- Just do it! Don't compete with anybody but you (THEY’RE FASTER THAN YOU AND SO WHAT)
- GET FITTED (what's the word?) for running shoes. I waited too long to do that shit and it changed my life but after my feet were already FUCKED.
- It's fucking hard af af af ... do it anyway. it's transformative. also i wanna say that ... running is the hardest thing i've ever done. i love it because everyone who is a "runner" is TRYING to run. everyone who is a "runner" fails at some point. it's the trying again and returning to the mat with it that i love so much. i am not the best, but i'm trying to be better. TRY TO BE BETTER. running reminds me to try again and again, and i love it for that.
Dave ran a marathon but collapsed .2 miles from the finish line and med students helped him walk to the end, but he did it!
- You can start doing it with no special equipment. The clothes and shoes you own are going to be a fine way to start. If running does end up being for you, the equipment you need are shoes, a way to have water with you, and weather appropriate sweat wicking gear. My favorite running shirt is one I found in a thrift shop, and my favorite other piece of running gear is a terrycloth headband.
Starting off running is also pretty convenient. At any given point if you decide "Today is the day I'm going to start trying to run!" you can find a 5k race and there's a zillion couchTo5k and ZombieRun style training apps to help you on your way.
One of the things that can be hard about running longer is figuring out how to pace yourself. You have to practice running at a slower pace, so you can keep running for a mile, or 5k, or a half-marathon. The talk test is a great way to make sure you aren't going too fast as you're trying to go longer distances.
Running is a lot more fun to do with friends. This might mean that one of you slows down to stick with the other person, but finishing that 5k race next to a friend is such a better experience than finishing it on your own.
New-ish runner. Open to running in costume.
- I just started running. Pacing is the hardest.
- Try again and again and again and understand that it’s a process. I’ve been trying to run for 40 minutes forever. I show up at the gym with 40 as a goal and rarely make it, but each time I do it, the first 10 minutes gets easier, then 15, then 20. Now I can do 20 without wanting to puke.
Get the right tunes and make note of songs that get you moving. (Fat Heauxs created a Spotify playlist.) Keeping my mind on the music is a great way to forget that I’m in hell.