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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SHEREE'S HAIR STORY (RHOA RECAP)

SHEREE'S HAIR STORY (RHOA RECAP)

Great news! Shereé is finishing her basement! And she’s doing it by visiting an antique shop in this amazing outfit with this amazing hair and it’s like a breath of fresh air, it’s everything I need, and now every time I think about this new stupid fucking Republican tax plan and how it makes me want start knocking on the doors of every one of my neighbors who had a Trump sign in their yard and demand to know how exactly it is that their boy did anything other than fuck every single one of us, instead I can pull up this picture and think about Shereé’s style and how far she’s come and just feel like maybe, maybe things are going to be OK. That’s how good this hair is, you guys.

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So Shereé is going to turn her basement from an empty cavern that Kenya can hate on to a fully functioning living space with a theater and a sauna and a spa where she can have parties and parties and PARTIES. Yeah to sunless basement parties!  Porsha comes with to help Shereé pretend that she’s going to buy $8,500 antique French doors for her spa. Like, how is a spa different than a sauna? Also, once you build this spa with its doors that cost more than most people make in two months, how can I get an appointment?

Kandi visits Cynthia’s lake house. Cynthia shows Kandi her cross wall where she presumably prays to be less boring. It’s not working – add like 20 more crosses. Kenya comes over too and does that thing where Cynthia says, “Hello” and Kenya laughs like a hyena who lacks self-awareness. Kenya, girl, why are you laughing? How is “Hello” in any way funny? Is this just how you manage your crushing insecurity? Laugh to let everyone know that it’s fine, I’m twirling, my mom didn’t love me, look at what a good time I’m having!

Cynthia and Kandi ask Kenya about the funeral and Kenya says that it was bad the way funerals are. Flat Baby Marc came to the funeral and I’m going to need to meet an actual living person who isn’t Kenya who has seen this man. PROOF OF LIFE PLZ.

Cynthia tells Kenya that she is upset that she hasn’t met Flat Baby Marc. Kenya says reassuringly that she will meet him, and also says that there are reasons that Cynthia hasn’t met him yet. Kenya goes on to list all of the reasons such as geography and how he’s never in Atlanta and she has a restraining order against Matt because he broke her garage windows and barometric pressure is high and she’s not allowed to have friends and he’s her dream man and this is never going to last. Cynthia mentions how nice it would be if she had, like, a selfie with her and Flat Baby Marc to shut up the haters the next time they bring up good points about her and Kenya’s friendship being at best weird and at worst totally one-sided.

The women then move on to hating on Shereé and her alleged marriage to Tyrone. A rumor was started that Shereé is married to Tyrone because she posed with him while wearing a t-shirt that says “Wifey.” And, yes, that is one way to get people to assume that you are married. The pic is actually really cute and Tyrone is really cute and Shereé  please hold on to your money.

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Kenya sings, “You better call Tyrone,” and Kandi says, “Actually he’s calling her. She can’t call him.” I love it when Kandi comes in with a quiet brutal read.

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Porsha eats a mall salad that her assistant brought her. Why would you send your assistant to the mall to get your lunch? I just – there are so many places. Porsha reveals a new testimonial look that shows us that she is also doing Storm cosplay.

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Then some sorority girls show up? They’re here to help Porsha find a man. I mean, what type of man do you want? Because unless you really want someone named Chad who has 2 DUIs, I don’t think that these women can help too much.

Porsha says that being vegan has made her really horny. I don’t think that’s a thing, I just think that she wanted to mention the veganism storyline again. Porsha tells us that Cynthia has a man and Kenya has an imaginary man so now it’s time for Porsha. She says that her last boyfriend was a great guy but there were some things that weren’t working out such as his unwillingness to sign a contract that says that Porsha would wholly own his children/dick in perpetuity. Remember when Porsha was just handing people contracts that witches in a fairy tale usually trick people into signing? 

Porsha says that she’s willing to date a white man. She actually says “I’m down with the swirl,” and a sorority girl says “Oh neat,” and, I mean, I laughed so hard at this. 

The sorority girls take a tour of Porsha’s ridic house. She shows them the boy nursery that she treats as a closet and the girl nursery that she also treats as a closet and then they notice the playground equipment.

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Porsha says that she likes it because she wants to have twins and this just shows that she’s prepared. Sorority girl speaks some hard truth and says, “I think you being prepared is going to make their wiener go down.”

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And then they do shots? Is this a professional service? Are they hiring? I mean, I can judge ladies then drink with them all day.

Cynthia shows up to see Peter and his man bun crew at the location of his new club, Bar Two.

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They talk and admit that they follow each other on social media. Peter is like do you have a boyfriend who’s your boyfriend tell him I said hi and also that I hate him. I bet they’re still doing it. 

Kandi and Todd’s house. Yeah, there’s Ace! That baby is my favorite I just want to watch the Ace show. He’s so personable!

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Ace is having a swimming lesson in his fabulous indoor pool. Ace, you are so good at swimming! Way to go buddy!

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Kandi feels like she sucks at being a mom because, like Porsha’s veganism, she must mention this very boring problem every episode so as to have some sort of an arc. But Todd is a good dad and his beard is Amish-like/terrifying, so that’s something.  

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Shereé’s daughter is going to Howard and Shereé is happy about it because her daughter usually only hangs out with white girls. Said white girls are in Shereé’s kitchen pretending to toast with cranberry juice ugh that’s so white.

After the white girls leave, Shereé sits down with her kids and her new puffy hair and I am obsessed I mean it looks so soft does she sleep on it it’s like a built-in pillow.

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Anyway, she’s decided it’s time to talk to her kids about how Bob was a piece of shit. At first, the kids seem really uncomfortable.

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Youngest daughter Kaleigh says that she talked to Bob about the domestic violence and she just drove off because he tried to explain it to her but she didn’t want to hear it. Kairo says he was shocked when he first heard about it. Shereé says that she doesn’t want them to think about their dad differently but also that she doesn’t want them to think that being hit or hitting is normal. Ugh, this conversation is so hard. Of course they’re going to feel all kinds of ways about this information. Also, I want a pillow that’s an homage to this hair style. 

Did NeNe die? Did she refuse to film this week? Where the fuck is NeNe?

Kandi and Riley go to this place where wind pushes your ass around indoors. It also pushes hair out of your helmet is crazy ways.

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Kandi tells Riley she wants to hang out with her more and Riley says why you always cancel. Damn, Riley. Riley is 6 feet tall and sassy but at least she makes eye contact now.

Back to Cynthia’s lake house, where she’s getting ready to go on a couples date boat trip with Will, Kandi, and Todd. You guys, Cynthia’s house says “dream” on the outside. If you weren’t already convinced that she is basic AF, that right there should convince you. Like, if you have “dream”, “believe”, “love” or any other generic positive dumb ass word on any wall in your home just know, in your heart, that we can never be friends because I hate you and I hate your lazy ass Bed Bath and Beyond wall art choices.

Will sends a car to pick Cynthia up and she is super nervous that she’s being kidnapped.

Kandi and Todd arrive at the docks and talk about how they’re suspicious of Will. NeNe and Gregg were invited to come too but can’t because they’re not in this episode. Kenya and Flat Baby Marc were also invited but can’t because their marriage is a sham.

On the boat, Will says that he wants Cynthia to relax and have a nice day and I’m like literally never tell her what to do. Kandi says that she investigated Will and doesn’t trust him because he appeared on The Steve Harvey Show on a dating episode and was then on another unaired dating show pilot. Kandi says that Todd got the third degree when he came on board with this group and it’s time to pay it forward. Will is like, “I never taped the second show,” so I guess, like, we only have to deal with the fact that he’s down with that misogynist ass Steve Harvey fucker.

Porsha is driving to her blind date! She’s got her hair done, nails done, and she’s ready to meet her husband. That is the worst attitude for a first date, especially a blind date. You gotta go in more like, “Statistically I probably won’t be murdered, and maybe he’ll have a good book recommendation.”

Porsha walks in, looking amaze, and sees this guy waiting for her:

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She immediately turns around and takes a moment to compose herself. I mean, she was willing to fuck with white men, but why did those sorority girls have to give her the worst white man? She forces herself to go back and meet him and then he forces an awkward ass hug. And, you guys, in addition to being the physical embodiment of gray Playdoh, he also has an overbite and slight speech impediment and no charisma. Porsha sits down drinks a lot of water, like that can save her.

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Porsha then immediately tells him that she has a mother so she has to leave in 30 minutes. She asks Patrick what’s shocking about him and he says she he can be messy sometimes, but he doesn’t mean sexy messy, just general bullshit man messy. He asks what she does for a living and she says she’s on a TV show called Dish Nation and IT’S A TV SHOW I HAD NO IDEA.

Patrick then tries to undercut her by saying bullshit like, “Most good looking women have something wrong with them.” But, you see, while Porsha is dumb in terms of history and geography and most facts, she’s brilliant with a comeback. She says, “I’m not good looking. When I’m home I look just like you - bald headed.” YES DRAG HIM YES. I mean, look at his posture he is clearly a serial killer.

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Jack Daniels comes over to Shereé and he’s wearing normal clothes and no pocket chains and he looks like, I don’t know, a total phony. Who knew that the over-accessorizing was necessary in his case?

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Shereé interrupts their session to take a phone call and Jack Daniels is low-key pissed. But she has to go and talk to Tyrone about how he works out so he can give her good sex later and how he stopped talking to her four years ago because the Feds were onto him and he didn’t want to involve her. Anyway, her hair continues to amaze me. I want this Shereé hair. I might legit show this pic to my stylist.

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She tells Jack Daniels about jail Tyrone and Jack is like “is this a fantasy?” and she’s like no no way I mean I’m afraid of intimacy and now I’m super intimate with someone who can’t actually be with me because he’s in jail so it’s totally healthy and normal, only super normal things over here.

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