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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

THE BACHELOR CONTESTANT BIOS ARE HERE!

THE BACHELOR CONTESTANT BIOS ARE HERE!

When I learned that Arie Luyendyk Jr. was the next Bachelor, my underwear caught on fire and then promptly hosed itself down—you know, naturally. This man sets my loins ABLAZE in a way no other contestant on this ridiculous show has. I’m bracing myself for his inevitable Terrible Person® reveal. After all, he did enter into an off-and-on “relationship” with Bachelor Franchise Villain Extraordinaire® Courtney Robertson. I will not be surprised if she pops up this season to pee on his leg and then eat a bouquet of roses live on television.

But unlike the title of Courtney’s book, I AM here to make friends! I’m one of those freaks who likes watching people get along, especially women. I adored the E! show “Married to Rock” because all of the women loved and supported each other. This is probably why it only lasted one season. I want to like the women of “The Bachelor” and watch them form rock-solid friendships, like in Juan Pablo’s season when everyone realized what a cartoonish narcissist he was and created the real romance of Season 18: Sisterhood. But I’m not a total Pollyanna: I also look forward to hate-watching whomever the villain turns out to be. Read on for my thoughts on the contestant bios + predictions on love connections, villainy, and what occupation is the new Dental Hygienist!

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Ali: This personal stylist from Oklahoma admits she listens to Nickelback. Girl, that’s not embarrassing. Arie dated COURTNEY ROBERTSON.

Amber: Amber held a python in Thailand so she could feel like Britney Spears at the VMAs. She’d also like to be Ariel because she gets to marry Prince Eric, declaring, “what a stud.” This made me guffaw out loud.

Annaliese: She loves strong women like Chrissy Tiegen and Tracee Ellis Ross because they’re “not afraid to be themselves and speak their minds” and I cannot wait to piece together her feminist manifesto from her heavily-edited confessionals. I know we’re only three in, but she is my favorite so far.

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Ashley: She’s a real estate agent who hates doing laundry and loves the movie “Superbad.” I’m simultaneously bored and intrigued. Bortrigued.

Becca K.: Becca K. loves the movie Sister Act 2. Me, too! Becca K. listens to the soundtrack to the movie Sister Act 2. Me, too! Becca K. wants to own a house and a dog with her partner, which sounds like code for “I don’t want kids.” Me, neither!

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Bekah M.: Bekah M. is a renowned rock climber who looks like Courtney Robertson but with short hair, which means all of the other women probably tell her how brave she is. She seems fun and spritely, and her age isn’t listed. Interest=piqued.

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Bibiana: Bibiana is full of contrasts, and I like it. She wants to be an orca but she is afraid of sharks; she was a cheerleader who secretly hated football. She has a lob. Is it long, or is it a bob? It is both.

Bri: This sports reporter has won an Emmy and wants to have lunch with President Obama, her grandma, and Audrey Hepburn. I would like to be at that lunch.

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Brittane J.: If given the chance, Brittane J., who wants to own a wine and tapas bar in 5 years, would have lunch with Bernie Sanders. I hope they sit next to Bri’s table.

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Brittany T.: Brittany T. wants to be married with two corgis in 5 years. I hope corgis are her children. She’d also have lunch with Hillary Clinton, so I’d like to see her, Brittane J., and Bri push those tables together, order bottomless bloody marys, and conduct a debate in which everyone pretty much agrees on fundamental issues.

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Caroline: Caroline, a former Miss Massachusetts Teen USA winner, is a 5’10” realtor who has a plant named Phil. Methinks Arie’s gonna LOVE her. I already do.

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Chelsea: This executive assistant in real estate oozes confidence from her headshot and doesn’t like over-the-top PDA. “Let me breathe!” She exclaims. I like her.

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Jacqueline: Jacqueline is from West Virginia, so producers will probably prod Arie to talk about how that makes him wistful because that’s where Emily’s from, even though they broke up eons ago and both have clearly moved on. Also, Jacqueline, who wants a pet cheetah if she wins the lottery, looks a bit like Courtney Robertson crossed with a model on the cover of an ‘80s romance novel. She has a villain vibe and I’m here for it.

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Jenna: Jenna broke her wrist while riding a mechanical bull. Also, if she were a fruit, she would be a pineapple so she could be “standing tall, wearing a crown, and sweet on the inside.” I now understand why they ask this question—to get answers like that.  

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Jenny: Jenny loves camping and drinking beer and likes to lie in bed all day on Sundays watching reality TV and eating pizza. Jenny and I were separated at birth 14 years apart.

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Jessica: Jessica’s an athletic Canadian TV host who builds houses for homeless families in Mexico with her family every year around the holidays, considers Shonda Rhimes a role model, and declares that kissing is her “favorite food. LOL.” Jessica’s got layers, and not just in that Farah Fawcett hair.

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Kendall: Once upon a time Kendall drove a car through a caboose. She wants to be a bat because she “sees beauty in dark things.” She longs to go to a hedgehog café in Japan. SHE COLLECTS TAXIDERMY. If Arie doesn’t marry her, I will.

Krystal: Thanks to using the phrase “bomb.com,” wanting to be a unicorn because “those who believe in magic will find it,” and asking, “Can you ever take the country out of the girl?”, Krystal’s in the running for Most Likely to Be a Character from a Nicholas Sparks Novel.

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Lauren B.: The first of our four Laurens, Lauren B. is blonde like Ben #2’s Lauren B.; has a second-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do; and is a self-actualized “basic” since her “most embarrassing thing” she listens to is Taylor Swift. She was created in a lab for this show.

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Lauren G: Lauren G. doesn’t “necessarily” believe in fairy tales, has some small tattoos, and likes heartfelt shows in the vein of “This is Us.” Throw in a degree in opera and she might be the Sharleen Joynt of this season.

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Lauren J.: This 33-year-old is over games and dons a “legit” body towel while eating pizza in bed. She also has the same smile as Molly Mesnick née Malaney. She may be The One®.

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Lauren S.: This Mischa Barton-Rebecca Gayheart lookalike is a social media manager who wants to be a part of Taylor Swift’s girl squad and counts her highest athletic achievement as “participation trophies.” She was created in the same lab as Lauren B.

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Maquel: Maquel is 23, uses the phrases “#Hangry” and “obvi,” and wants her date to look like Ryan Gosling. Maquel won’t be here for long.

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Marikh: Color me fascinated, because this restaurant owner prefers to be mysterious, loves the movie Beetlejuice, and wants silver hair. I cannot wait to meet her.

Nysha: Nysha is an orthopedic nurse who, given the chance, would morph into Mulan because of her warrior skills or Willy Wonka because of all of the chocolate. Nysha is Marla approved.

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Olivia: Olivia looks like a girl I went to high school with but she’s 23 so she’s more likely a girl I would’ve birthed in high school. This marketing associate would be a raspberry “because sometimes they are sweet and other times a bit tart :)” Bring on the tartness and make mommy proud, Olivia!

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Seinne: Sienne considers herself spiritual rather than religious, would be an elephant if she were an animal, and would travel the world doing philanthropic work if she won the lottery. I am currently applying to be her best friend.

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Tia: She’s a physical therapist who stayed at a swinger’s resort in Cancun and was probably confused that everyone called her “Aunt.” (#SpanishMajor) She also looks like a cross between the soap opera actress Chrishell Stause, who’s married to the boring-hot dude who plays Kevin on “This Is Us,” and Tiara from Sean Lowe’s season. I hope to the Goddess above that she’s the Second Coming of Tiara® because boy do I miss that theatrical wackadoodle.

Valerie: Valerie has inspired me to dye my hair a deep maroonish brown and has earned my utmost respect for being a server who bought her own house in Nashville before she was 25. What. A. BADASS. She also loves dressing up in costume so fingers crossed she shows up as a shark wearing a cowboy hat.

Season Thoughts + Stats:

  • The questionnaire asks some of the women if they’re “adventurous or conservative.” Is this the show’s way of finding out which women were a part of the 53% of white women that voted for Trump?
     
  • Collectively, everyone wants to have lunch with Beyonce; be Wonder Woman or a Disney Princess; loves Meryl Streep; and is afraid of getting food stuck in their teeth.
     
  • There are 4 Laurens. Lauren is the new Ashley/lee/Lee/leigh/lei.
     
  • Social Media Manager is the Dental Hygienist of the ‘10s.
     
  • Nearly everyone has long beachy waves. I predict a mutiny if someone uses up all of the Not Your Mother’s Sea Salt Spray before the first group date.
     
  • Bibiana, Becca K., Jacqueline, and Marikh are closed-mouth smiling in the group photo so they’re either the rebels of the bunch or they didn’t sign their teeth-whitening contracts in time for the photo shoot.
     
  • Love Predictions: Annaliese; Bekah M.; Caroline; Chelsea; Jessica; Lauren J.; Seinne
     
  • Villain Predictions: Becca K., Bibiana; Bri; Jacqueline; Kendall; Maquel; Tia (fingers crossed!)
GIFTS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE YOU LOWKEY HATE

GIFTS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE YOU LOWKEY HATE

40 AIN'T SHIT

40 AIN'T SHIT