HOW TO MAKE HOLIDAY CHEX MIX LIKE A BOSS BITCH
First, let's be clear, I am not a Christmas person. I am a Halloween person. And as everyone knows, Halloween people are not only way more fun than Christmas people, they are the charmingly sardonic friend that you go to when you are fed the fuck up with Santa and want to talk about how you actually feel about the holidays, which is FUCK MY MOTHER IN LAW GET THESE GODAMN MATCHING PAJAMAS OFF ME THESE CHILDREN ARE UNGRATEFUL AS FUCK WHO'S GOING TO WASH ALL THESE DISHES ASSHOLE.
But I'm not a monster. There is one thing I love about the holidays and that's CHEX MIX. When I was just a wee lass my Grandma would take one of those giant popcorn tubs and fill the entire thing with homemade Chex Mix. The entire thing to the top! And that shit was amazing, we would get in the car and drive all the way to the armpit of America—Springfield, Illinois—just to get at that shit.
Now every Christmas I make my mom make Grandma's Chex Mix with me. And every year she's like, "do we have to make chex mix, I don't really want to," and I say, "why would you take this from me?????? this is my one thing? I only have one thing???" and then she turns on the Mannheim Steamroller and we grumble at each other over the stove just like millions of other mothers and daughters awash in holiday joy around the world.
GRANDMA'S HOLIDAY CHEX MIX
Grandma loves butter, y'all. So if you want your mix to be more like the dry out-of-the-box-ish, then go with that recipe. It's literally on the back of the Corn Chex box. This recipe is just way better because it has more of everything.
- 6 cups Corn Chex
- 6 cups Rice Chex
- 4 cups Wheat Chex
NOTE: Here's the deal, the wheat Chex are smaller than their corn and rice counterparts and if you put in the same amount, fucking wheat chex everywhere. I prefer a smaller wheat to corn/rice ratio.
- 5 cups Cheerios
NOTE: THE SECRET WEAPON! Grandma loved a Cheerio, y'all. And you know why they're great? They're like little Worcestershire and butter magnets and they will suck up some flavor, trust me on this.
- 3 cups pretzel sticks
NOTE: Look, we don't need to have a debate on pretzels because the only pretzel that belongs in a Chex Mix is a stick. Anything else (a round, a nugget, a mini) is already TOO MUCH PRETZEL.
- Some people put nuts in. I DON'T.
NOTE: There is nothing worse than crunching along, delighting in the buttery, crispy chex and running into a soft-ass peanut. NO. Once my mom literally snuck nuts in AFTER THE MIX WAS BAKED and she was all "you can pick them out" and Christmas was ruined. But it's up to you.
- 14 tablespoons butter
NOTE: AT LEAST. Have more on hand.
- 6 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
- 4 1/2 teaspoons seasoned salt
- 2 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1 teaspoon onion powder
- Be prepared to add more of all this shit
- Heat oven to 250 degrees.
- Melt butter in large roasting pan in oven. Stir in seasonings. Gradually stir in remaining ingredients until evenly coated.
- Bake 1 hour, stirring every 15 minutes.
- After about 30 mins, assess the mix. Does it look dry? No one wants your dry ass chex mix. You've come this far. So if it looks dry, melt more butter in the microwave, add the seasonings to the butter, and pour over the top of the mix and stir to coat.
- Spread on paper towels to cool. Store in airtight container.