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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SHOW ME YOUR LUNCH (THOTS & PRAYERS 4 HEAUXS)

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Hey, Heauxs. I'm starting a column on this here blog/website/web-magazine/magazine. It has always been a dream of mine to have a column à la Nora Ephron and/or Anna Quindlen and if not now WHEN MFS!? I'm always yelling about something, so why not put all of that energy into pounding out some words on occasion. I'll try to keep it regular and try to not be stupid or take myself too seriously. Here's to making something new and forward motion.

Oh, Lord. Here goes...

Well. We made it. Here we are just past the year anniversary of THE APOCALYPSE.  If you've been brain dead or in a coma for the last year ... that's the 2016 Election I'm referring to, jerk face. Congratulations, the white hot flames of Hell haven't melted your face (YET). I know you're shaken, angry, and tired AF, but cheer up baby girl ... Kim Jong Un ain't burned your house down yet, so things aren't so bad.

Seriously. READ THAT AGAIN.

THINGS AREN'T SO BAD.

Oh, now take a breath. I see some of you just let your eyes fall right out of your head. You're thumping your screen and cussing me out, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. Yes times are hard, yes the clowns are in charge, yes men are garbage, YES a game show host lives in the White MF House, but now that we've grieved this mess for a year can you jerks please put on a happy face? I am just as sad and sick of that moronic white man talking about walls, and handing out guns to every man, woman, and child in North America, and Paul Ryan's punk ass as you are, but it's time for us to stop being ugly and move forward.

HOW CAN I DO THAT? WHAT DO YOU EVEN MEAN?

Before you start yelling at me about my white gay privilege ... moving forward doesn't mean I'm suggesting we pretend the world is perfect or all that good or that I want you to take a nap in the floor while the world burns, but it does mean ... quit this absolutist BS you keep spreading everywhere.

The world isn't ending just because politics isn't moving as fast as we would like. Whether any of us likes it or not ... politics moves slow slow SLOWWWW ... and it has a rhythm. I know you're mad progress isn't happening at the speed of light. SO AM I DEAR FRIEND. SO. AM. I. The Internet has led us all to believe that change and progress and progressive ideas move quickly.

GUESS WHAT!?

Yeah. They do not.

And while change is moving slow, there is a rhythm to all of this mess. Think of it as a swing ... we move forward in some ways and when we've gotten as far as time will allow us for this particular moment in history ... we swing back hard in the other direction. WHY? Girl, I wish I knew it's just TRUE.

Last year's election was disappointing and sad to say the least. BUT. It doesn't mean all is lost, that the world is ending, or that we're standing on the cliff of the end of days. In fact, can we please make a pinky swear to stop using terms like "apocalypse," and, "end of days!?" ... I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD ... I WANNA BEAT THESE MF RACIST ASSHATS AND PUSH EQUALITY AND LOVE FORWARD. ... and so do most people as evidenced from Tuesday's voter turnout and the colorful variety of people we elected. SO KEEP IT UP.

The lesson from 2016, as far as I can tell, is you (WE!) got a little too comfy. We thought we'd eventually (or even HAD) overcome racism, sexism, homophobia and every other nasty and disgusting atrocity we've ever committed. Nah, girl. That fight continues FOREVER, so STAY MAD.

That fight has probably led you to be scared of the internet and social media. Remember way back last year when you blasted the internet with pics of your sushi and lunchtime ice cream? The fight doesn't mean we don't need those pics. The fight doesn't mean we don't need to hear about your war with that rude dude at Chipotle or whatever silly mess you've found yourself in today. No, you cannot compete with The Great Pumpkin and his Twitter rants, or the latest massacre at church, or the return of Nazis ... so please stop trying. BUT! Please do not think for a moment we don't need joy and light in the world or that you don't get to talk about something on the internet that doesn't appear on the evening news.

I need you. WE ALL NEED YOU. Besides, you know who's not taking a Facebook break? YOUR RACIST COUSIN FRANK WHO'S OUT THERE SHARING NEWS FROM RUSSIAN ROBOTS. So come on back to Facebook and make friends with the magical UNFOLLOW button. YOU'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

EP 4: ONE-LINER CITY (STRANGER FILES AND THINGS)

EP 4: ONE-LINER CITY (STRANGER FILES AND THINGS)

AN AIRING OF GRIEVANCES AGAINST TAYLOR SWIFT AND REPUTATION

AN AIRING OF GRIEVANCES AGAINST TAYLOR SWIFT AND REPUTATION