ALL WE WANT TO DO IS EAT BECAUSE WE'RE AMERICANS, DAMMIT
ADRIENNE: ELIZABETH WHY IS FOOD SO GOOD??? AND WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT???
*screams for an hour*
Okay, calming down. So look, we went and meet with Jill Ann Nelson, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and fellow Tuff Muffer, to talk about life and wellness and health and habits and how to make change and dear god she crushed my soul when she said EVERYTHING COMES DOWN TO FOOD. And then we went and met with personal trainer Soli Santos and she was like, your BMI ain’t right, STOP EATING ALL THE BAD SHIT.
Look, I’m Midwestern Healthy. I eat pizza and drink light beer and love tacos and Coke and CHEESE, and my favorite vegetable is corn. I don’t want to “eat to live.” I want to eat for pleasure. Am I doomed?
ELIZABETH: It’s over, Adrienne. I think we need to pack up our bags and move to Alaska where our chubbs will be used as a tool for survival in the cold. I don’t think Jill meant to hurt our feelings, but damn, she cold.
Jill’s not a nutritionist, but she’s been in the personal training field for 15 years. She knows that to make big changes you have to consider your mindset and your food. I’m 100% sure that it doesn’t take a professional to know that my diet today was terrible. I ate 1.5 slices of cold pizza for breakfast, a bag of cheddar popcorn for a “snack,” ironically a vegan taco salad with a half order of fries was lunch, then my afternoon snack was a mini 100 grand bar and some watermelon. Damn! I feel the shame wave coming AND I haven’t even had dinner yet.
ADRIENNE: I feel like I’m on a Fat Heauxs Last Supper Tour right now. Like I just want to eat all the things before Fat Heauxs takes them away. Yesterday before our fitness assessment I ate a Happy Meal in the car with my kid. SHAME BELL.
But, Elizabeth, I seem to know plenty of adults who are naturally able to make healthy choices, like they just want to or something? Like they just want to eat vegetables. That’s not me. I’M AN AMERICAN. So why does it come to some people more easily than others? Why is it so hard to make meaningful change?
This is me: single mom of an eight-year-old child who will eat about three things: chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, pizza. Worker of full time job at desk. Side project hustler of all the things. Generally over committed. Not a big drinker. So this is how I feel: I took care of my kid, I went to work, I’m a goddamn HERO and I DESERVE to eat pizza and watch TV right now.
ELIZABETH: Telling Soli what I consumed yesterday made me curl up into a ball. There are a lot of reasons that we can’t shift our ideas on food and the number one is I DON’T WANT TO DO IT! I look forward to french fries and nachos and french fries ON nachos. Jill made a good point that we have to make a million decisions a day, so we have to prioritize where we’re going to do the most thinking and when it comes to eating, that’s my last priority. I mean it’s food and it can be ordered while I’m in my period stained underwear while binge watching Mindhunter. In our society, they’ve really cut out the “hunting” portion of getting food. Shit, I don’t even need to walk to the 7-11 for that stuffed Doritos. JUST KIDDING! I don’t eat that. I’m a hard boiled egg and string cheese from the refrigerated section gal myself.
Jill and Soli talked to us a lot about the mindset. The why we don’t make good choices when it comes to eating and the reason we’re supposed to eat FOOD. I will admit that on most days, I’m eating my emotions. Like even when I decide to try to live with a diet, I eat that celery slice thinking about how it won’t make me fat anymore or that it’s “healthy” and therefore I’m being “good.” I don’t know how to change that.
ADRIENNE: I just sighed a big sigh. Like a defeated sigh. I mean I like want to do it, but like I haven’t figured out a way to want to do it forever. Like I’ve done the Whole 30. And then as soon as it’s done I’m like PIZZA and a week later I’m back to my regular life.
That decision making thing is a real problem for me. I have a million projects and responsibilities and I don’t want to focus my time or brain on making a kale salad. I want to scratch my indulge-itch and eat bagels and cream cheese and a coke.
Also, DIETS. Like there are so many and how do you know where to begin or what to do or how to make it sustainable?? Like maybe I should be a vegetarian. But then there’s paleo. And what about intermittent fasting (which just sounds like calorie restriction to me, but ok). How the hell are we supposed to sift through all the info and pick something?
And can I just say that most of the skinny people I know literally just don’t eat that much. They don’t like follow some serious diet, they eat like one hard boiled egg in the morning, a yogurt for lunch, and like some salad for dinner and BAM SKINNY AF. They restrict.
ELIZABETH: Some people Live to Eat and some people Eat to Live and those people - the Eat to Live people - should be punched in the face because stop being so snide, Eat to Live people. Again, this is all about mindset. I am definitely a Live to Eat person. Today's breakfast consisted of 3 Vosges chocolates, two hard boiled eggs, a handful of gummi bears, and two coffees. I’m not a nutritionist, but I know that’s not right.
I guess where this all leads us is where do we start? Do we begin a food journal? Do we pick a diet and kick off with that? What is the plan on Whole 30 on day 45? What have other folks done to get on the right food track? MORE IMPORTANTLY, how have they maintained that because, bitch, I am not food prepping on Sunday. Sundays are reserved for Game of Thrones and cheese curds.
ADRIENNE: Maybe we should interview some of those Eat to Live people?? Like let’s find out what makes these people tick and see if we can ever be like them???
ELIZABETH: I just told you I hate them.
ADRIENNE: I know. But they probably know what’s up. Let’s find some and see why it’s so goddamned easy for them to be like, YAY MOTHERFUCKING KALE SALAD NO DRESSING TAP WATER I FEEL AMAZING!
Are you an Eat to Live person? Do you want to talk to us about it? Reach out at email@example.com. Or are you a person who’s tried a million diets and you know some shit? EMAIL US. Because we’re fucking upset y’all.