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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

50 SHADES OF THAT ASS (RHOA RECAP)

50 SHADES OF THAT ASS (RHOA RECAP)

The Real Housewives of Atlanta is back and I am recapping it and my whole life has led up to this moment.

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Since this is the first episode we don’t get a full on title sequence with new outfits and tag lines, but we are treated to a photo of our main players. I can’t imagine how many hundreds of hours of negotiations it took to reach the compromise where Kandi’s elbow is in front of Nene but Nene’s hand is extending out past Kandi. Anyway, no amount of subtle photo editing can hide the fact that Nene is a damn giant.

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We start off at the OLG restaurant with its crazy long line. I was in ATL in May and I tried so hard to go to that restaurant but was prevented from doing so because my husband basically threatened to divorce me if I made him go there, and that was before he read the Yelp reviews, which were basically, “I waited five hours for hella salty chicken Kandi’s baby is SO CUTE.” I need to fly back to ATL in the middle of the night and go on my own. Hey Jeremy & Adrienne - how big is the expense budget for these recaps?

Kandi and Todd sit at a table on the patio of OLG and I’m sure that they had to chase a family of 14 away from that table to film this scene. They talk about the ridiculous lie from last season that Porsha spread about Kandi wanting to drug and rape her, which is such nonsense but I also understand why Kandi was about to sue the pants off of Andy Cohen over it. And then Kandi calls herself “the people’s champ!” and slow down, you’re thinking of The Rock. Kandi is not interesting enough to be the people’s champ. Kandi says that she’s stressed out because of the restaurant and being a mom to a young child and getting back together with Xscape. She feels like she may fail and, yeah girl, you probably will. Most restaurants fail and so far all Xscapes fail, so my money is on something is going to go sideways.

Kandi’s interview look is Jewel Tone Barbie Realness.

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Cut to Cynthia Bailey’s home and Cynthia serving us lake house caftan leaf blower realness.

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Nene arrives in a Rolls and her wig is, on a scale of “who is lying to you” to “girl, serve it”, “passable.” But then Nene’s interview wig is revealed and it is like an orange alert, like one minute to midnight, like TOUCH IT UP. That wig is proof Nene verbally abuses her staff so they are reclaiming their time anyway they can.

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Meanwhile, Cynthia’s interview look is sexy aqua man.

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Cynthia is having a “50 shades of Cynthia” party for her 50th birthday which I guess has been going on for an entire year. She wants the guests to all come as different versions of her and, I mean, if I was invited I would go for “desperately searching for the marriage license moments before you marry a man you don’t love” Cynthia, but that’s me.

Cynthia mentions to Nene that Kenya is married now and Nene does a spit take and this is why we love you, Nene, because you bring the physical comedy to every scene. Nene says that she wants to see the marriage license. Cynthia doesn’t know the name of Kenya’s new husband, just that he’s from New York and that they have been dating for 8 months but Nene is like false and then Cynthia says 6 months and Nene is like try again and then Cynthia says, look, it’s been a minimum of 30 days.

Kenya arrives and doesn’t know that Nene is there and let’s hope the staff used enough spirit gum on these wigs because here we go. Nene walks up to Kenya like she’s going to fight her but instead just aggressively compliments her outfit. Of course Nene likes the outfit, because she and Kenya are wearing the same thing. 

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Meanwhile, Kenya’s interview outfit is lingerie nonsense.

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You guys, I did not miss the part where Kenya speaks and then laughs at herself for twice as long as it took her to speak even though what she said was in no way funny. I mean its three seconds of “Yes honey!” and then ten seconds of “hahahahahahahahaha.” Kenya, girl, NO ONE ELSE IS LAUGHING. Anyway, Kenya and Nene go back and forth over this alleged new husband, who Kenya claims is a real man even though no one has met him and she can’t say his name because it’s some kind of a Volemort situation. Nene asks if they’re going to live together and Kenya says of course they’re going to, as soon as they find a new house because they can’t live in her house since it’s full of things that Matt touched. And I know you guys know this, but that is bullshit, Kenya is bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit.

Kenya didn't invite her dad to the wedding because she said that if her dad said the wrong thing her husband would get upset. So, this nameless husband who doesn't want to be anywhere near Kenya on a day-to-day basis and also has no chill sounds...great.

Kenya says that Nene cut off ½ of her nose but the part that’s left is still hella nosey. You see, now, that’s funny.

Cut to Porsha’s house with her sister and cousin. Porsha is recording a podcast and, for some reason, speaking in the third person. Also, they’re all just holding mics around their faces, not even up to their mouths, while they record this podcast in Porsha’s ridic three story living room. The sound quality must be TRASH.

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Phaedra texted Porsha for her birthday and Porsha is torn because she misses Phaedra and but also thinks she was played by her. REALLY YOU THINK SO? She says that Phaedra used her as collateral and no, honey, that’s not how that word works. Porsha hasn’t seen Kandi since filming wrapped last season which I’m sure has been true every single season.

 Nene walks into a store that she owns called Swag Boutique and yells at her employees to light the candles ASAP. She describes her shop as, “We have clothes for women who eat and for women who don’t eat. Get into it!” That’s the greatest tagline I’ve ever heard EVER.

Shereé shows up and mentions that Nene’s boutique isn’t as upscale as hers was. At least it contains real clothes.

Shereé’s interview look is Storm taking her kid to college.

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They sit down and drink wine and talk about Porsha and how Nene hates her, which is not new information. The most important part of this scene is that Nene is wearing an army jacket…with fringe? I can’t. Stop it. Someone get a restraining order against that jacket.

Nene says, “Porsha has the nerve to not be talking to me,” after all the shit Porsha talks about Nene on Dish Nation. Guys, WTF is Dish Nation? Is that a radio station? Is it a podcast? It is on SiriusXM? Or do you have to subscribe to Dish Nation to get Dish Nation? Do you just go outside and yell “Dish Nation!” and then hear Porsha’s voice on the wind? HOW DOES IT GET IN PEOPLE’S EARS I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Anyway, Da Brat is on Dish Nation and she talked shit about Nene while Porsha said, “Mmm-hmm” and Nene is pressed about it.

Nene says that she tried to be a friend to Porsha and a mentor to but Porsha never once showed that she was grateful. Because…she wasn’t? I mean, don’t be angry at people for being honest.

Kenya calls her Dad, who gets subtitles because cannot speak. She tells him that she went away and eloped because she wanted to miss the drama. And then my app crashes ugh why is life so hard. So I’m going to do the rest of this scene based on assumptions - Kenya laughs her dad mumbles and her marriage is fake.

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Porsha and Shereé go to a wig store together so they can find the right wig to use to represent all that is Cynthia Bailey. And then they just keep picking out man wigs.

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Cynthia’s party! She’s getting ready and we find out that she invited Peter which is the worst plan. Cynthia tells us that now that they are divorced they talk all of the time. She calls Peter and he asks if she’s good and she says, “I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good I’m good. I’m...I’m good.” So – I guess she’s good.

Side note - these new holiday Wal-Mart commercials are pissing me off. YOU DON’T PAY YOUR WORKERS ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE ON GTFO OF HERE WITH YOUR SLIGHTLY LESS EXPENSIVE TOYS.

Back at the party! Nene shows up in the best wig I have ever seen her wear while also proving Phaedra's point that camel toe is on-trend.

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Kenya is in a wig that is so disrespectful. Cynthia is your best friend, why are you memorializing this particular hair tragedy?

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Kandi BRINGS IT by serving Cynthia Bailey serving Lady Gaga realness

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And Shamea…is doing HER best, but that face chain is not supposed to go under your nose like that. It really, really, really isn’t.

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Cynthia makes her entrance late in this gorgeous yellow gown because she is a beacon of light. She has back rolls but she is WORKING THEM. And that isn’t shade - I wish my back rolls looked this good.

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Cynthia says, “No matter how much shade these ladies throw me, honey they all secretly live for me,” and I guess so because in trying to be Cynthia at this party they are all making total fools of themselves. Except for Kandi, whose styling team was good enough to roll those Coke cans in her hair in such a way that production didn’t have to blur out a single logo. 

There’s a runway where people walk and Shamea takes a turn that this woman is a gift that keeps on giving.

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Kandi wins the award for best Cynthia and then she has to stand near Porsha for 30 seconds and can't stand it and just walks away.

Shereé earns her paycheck by making Nene and Porsha talk. Porsha didn’t hug Nene when she came in to the party because she’s upset that Nene went on Watch What Happens Live and said, “Porsha is just as guilty as Phaedra.” Porsha says that Nene called for her to be fired and, I mean, Phaedra was guilty and was fired as a result, so I guess that Nene saying that Porsha is as guilty as Phaedra is a way of implying that Porsha should be fired but more so, who taught Porsha about the transitive property? Ya’ll are going to cause the poor thing to overheat.

So Porsha and Nene start by fighting over what they’re going to fight about. Porsha wants to talk about the Watch What Happens Live comment but Nene wants to talk about two years ago when Porsha turned on her. They end up yelling because they can’t agree on where to start the fight and Nene walks away and her ass in that white bodysuit is MIRACULOUS.

ALL WE WANT TO DO IS EAT BECAUSE WE'RE AMERICANS, DAMMIT

ALL WE WANT TO DO IS EAT BECAUSE WE'RE AMERICANS, DAMMIT

THIS IS US DRESSED UP AS A GOOD SHOW FOR HALLOWEEN (THIS IS US RECAP)

THIS IS US DRESSED UP AS A GOOD SHOW FOR HALLOWEEN (THIS IS US RECAP)