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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

NENE'S "GENDER IS A CONSTRUCTION YOU BEST REMEMBER PALE ASS TUNA SALAD EXTRAVAGANZA "

NENE'S "GENDER IS A CONSTRUCTION YOU BEST REMEMBER PALE ASS TUNA SALAD EXTRAVAGANZA "

We open on NeNe’s ridiculously clean garage. What is it with rich people having to make me feel self-conscious about the state of my car hole? It’s the dirty place where we put the dirty things! Anyway, Gregg is back home the same day as his surgery. He found out that his heart just stops every so often and...what are we doing about it? NeNe wants him to get a pacemaker and he’s like, “We’ll see.” Holy hell, Gregg I will put it in your pacemaker myself, we need you around. Then he makes a joke about putting NeNe in a sexy nurse outfit and wow their love is real.

Cut to, Chateau Shereé. You guys, Kairo is so large and slow. Like, I don’t think he got Shereé’s smarts at all. Jack Daniels comes over to see Shereé and her amaze new hairstyle. I LOVE IT though I bet she has to deal with 200% more bullshit white people trying to touch it.

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Shereé tells Jack Daniels that she isn’t ready to talk to her kids about her abusive marriage yet but she promises to get there in the next two weeks. Jack Daniels gives her homework to take care of herself by getting a hotel room. Am I the only one who doesn’t think that’s relaxing? I get like crushingly depressed when I’m in a hotel room by myself. That shit is creepy.

Kandi is packing for New York because she is going to be on the cover of Essence Magazine. And Riley is there, looking more like a normal person! Good for you Riley! DonJuan comes over and is so upset that no one has packed.

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He runs around the house and throws garments into suitcases all crumpled up and yells things like, “We have to be out the door in one minute!” and everyone ignores him except Ace who is super cute packing a shirt and a piece of waxed paper.

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Mommy’s going to need both of those. Good work!

DonJuan says that they don’t have a hotel in New York either. So I guess that Carmon has moved on to her insurance company and now Kandi’s life is falling apart. Kandi suggests that they stay at Trump tower since no one else is and her driver legit loses it laughing.

Cynthia is at the Bailey Agency and OMG how is that still a thing?

Porsha’s cousin comes over to mediate the conflict between her and Lauren. They haven’t spoken in a whole weekend which I guess is a long amount of time for them. Lauren hasn’t been staying at Porsha’s Palace since their fight where Porsha told her that she’s dumb to have feelings. Lauren reiterates that she’s a mom and therefore has to keep another human alive so she maybe needs to think about the future a bit and she also doesn’t tell Porsha when she’s getting upset because Porsha is the worst to talk to. Lauren is legit crying and Porsha is crying through the botox.

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Basically, Lauren is afraid that she’s going to end up homeless single mother because she doesn’t trust Porsha not to kick her to the curb. And Porsha is like, “But I prolly won’t! Co-dependent as fuck for life!”

NeNe invites Mynique, the super forgettable friend from previous seasons whose name spelling makes no sense, over to listen politely while she jabbers about her party. NeNe wants to party like it’s 1993 where we still treat gay friends like super cute accessories and not as fully-formed humans with emotional lives equal to our own. She says that she’s throwing an “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Party.” What in the actual fuck is that theme? Her other friend Brandon comes over and says, “NeNe?” and she responds “WE’RE IN THE KIT-CHENNNNNNNNNNN” and someone please get that on a t-shirt for me ASAP.

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Brandon is like, “What does never forget mean?” and NeNe says, “Never forget you ever came over here,” so it’s just a slam on Porsha who’s been to NeNe’s house and then pretended that she’s never been to NeNe’s house, and also who isn’t invited. Like, good one?

Brandon and Mynique do their producer-appointed duty and try to convince NeNe to meet with Porsha. Porsha is also trying to meet with NeNe but NeNe is not having it. She explains the drama with Porsha and Kandi last year and Brandon’s face is like he’s trying so hard to appear interested and/or doing calculus in his head.

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Kenya and Shereé go to a spin class together because damn does Kenya need an excuse to film. Kenya says that, even though she hates Shereé, she doesn’t actually hate Shereé because Shereé managed to not do a spit take when she heard about Kenya’s wedding. In the spin class, Kenya whips her hair around and tries to increase the tension on Shereé’s bike and proves that she is your most annoying cousin who you never want to see again.

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Afters, Kenya asks Shereé to help her with a PSA about domestic violence and Shereé is like, “Cool, but I have another domestic violence PSA I’m doing with actual people first so sit back and I’ll let you know.”

New York! I guess Kandi is living out of the SUV that drops her off at the photo shoot because that hotel plot line was never resolved. God bless Kandi for letting them film her with no makeup on under those harsh lights. But then the get her all touched up and take pics and she looks fucking gorgeous.

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The editor of Essence comes over and says that Kandi is on the cover for their “Confidence” issue and I AM SUPER OFFENDED ON HER BEHALF. Like, am I wrong? Or is it like saying, “You’re the face of people who believe in themselves even though they prolly shouldn’t.”

Cynthia meets Will for mid-day ice cream.

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He orders strawberry ice cream and she says, “You like strawberries?” because she is so in lust with this man her words aren’t working quite right. And he says, “I’ll have to show you what I like about strawberries one day,” and OMG HE WANTS TO EAT YOU OUT JUST LEAVE THE ICE CREAM AND GO DO THAT.

Will has shown up in the blogs but the good news is that he’s basically fine with it. They decide to live life in the spotlight and keep communicating and then they do the most awkward high five ever.

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Day of NeNe’s party, the full name of which is “Girls and Gays All White Never Forget Seafood Soiree” and WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT TITLE.

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Like, just call it “heteronormative keep it in mind random dress code crab legs in the hot ass Atlanta sun gathering.”

Marlo comes over because she and NeNe ran into each other at the mall valet and screamed at each other for 30 minutes and then decided that they were cool. So now they’re good with each other and NeNe says, “Everyone knows that Marlo is like a sister to me,” and I guess that NeNe typically goes five years without talking to her sisters. Marlo is amazing because she shows up in a bustier, bathrobe, and a dozen necklaces, and she asks NeNe “What’s up with Porsha?” NeNe says “I don’t know her,” and Marlo says, “She lives in your neighborhood? She has a bigger house than yours?” And NeNe is so incredibly annoyed WELCOME BACK MARLO YOU ARE A BREATH OF FRESH.

NeNe has hired a dozen shirtless men to be eye candy for the party and I know I’m a hypocrite because I’m usually over here calling out sexism all day but - I’ll allow it.

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Shereé shows up at Kim’s house which has a big ass camera by the front door. Kim terrifies me, you guys. I mean, just her new face, you guys, I can’t, it’s like she told her plastic surgeon, “Give me a face that only looks good with the Nashville Instagram filter.” THIS FACE CHOICE MAKES NO SENSE WHY WOULD YOU YOUR NOSE THAT WAY AND PAY MONEY FOR IT?

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Anyway, Shereé has clearly never been over to this house before. Kim serves Shereé a drink in a red Solo cup and it’s nice to see that Kim is still as trashy as ever. I love it, never change Kim, and also leave your face alone please. Whatever this is needs at least a decade to settle.

Shereé says that she’s responsible for Kim’ marriage and six kids and like, you can claim Brielle and Ariana if you want but I legit do not know why you would. Her and Kim talk about Kenya and how much Kim hates her and how old she is and how her marriage is fake and way to prime the pump, Shereé.

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Cynthia brings Derek J. to the “gay people are accessories stay woke get a grass stain on your hem here’s some clam chowder festivity” and his pants have more holes than jeans, but he brings up a great point which is that the premise of this party is super problematic in that it invites you to treat gay men as though they aren't actual people.

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Look at that, the ladies of ATL not showing the most sensitivity around LGBTQ+ issues! That is…nothing new.

Kenya shows up and then Shereé arrives with Kim. And you guys, YOU GUYS, Kroy drives them and they exit the car carrying their red Solo cups and then Kroy just stays there, in the driveway, prolly playing a game on his phone and waiting until Kim texts him “I just beat Kenya’s ass we can go.” I mean, this man, THIS MAN. This is something my husband would (and, let’s be honest, has) done for me. And it’s a win-win because she gets to go to a party and drink and he gets to avoid a bullshit social obligation.

NeNe sees Kim and is like, “Wow! You’re here! That is so surprising especially since you were on the call sheet!” There are awkward hugs and then NeNe suggests that they go inside so they can get out of the heat and the producers can get better lighting on the ass-beating that is to come.

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The women sit in NeNe’s living room on two different white couches and Kim and Kenya are on the same couch with Cynthia in between them and if I were Cynthia I’d just slide to the floor and roll on out of there because you know a thing is going to occur and your wig cost way too much money to be in the middle of it.

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They make small talk and Marlo brings up Kenya’s wedding and Kim has to say, “Your marriage is fake, bitch,” three times before Kenya finally takes the bait and tells her to shut the fuck up. But then Kenya says that Kim has a hard-on for her, which is true, but unlike the true class act that is Dorinda, she can’t leave it there and instead has to twist it into some transphobic nonsense. Honestly, I’m sure that 80% of the production staff for this show are LGBTQ+ plus I’m sure these ladies believe in heaven so CAN WE NOT WITH THE RABID TRANS/HOMOPHOBIA? But Kenya is trash so she cannot.

Somehow, Kim moves to the opposite couch, probably to better prepare herself to be held back. They keep fighting about husbands and hair and boobs and asses and NeNe’s face is like, “Fuck my life this paycheck is not worth it.”

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Kenya isn’t getting the huge reaction from Kim that she’s trying for, so she goes in on Kim’s daughter, Brielle, who is such an easy target. Like, that girl is dumber than a box of hair. She says that Brielle sucked dick for John Legend tickets and…what? I looked into this and the back story is here but it’s really a non-story. Just proves that Kenya stays up late doing oppo research, probably while wearing her wedding dress.

Kim’s reaction to Kenya bringing up her daughter is to make this horror show of a face:

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And then do the thing that we all came here to see, which is to attempt to drag Kenya across the room by her hair while the credits roll.

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And then we get a “to be continued” because I mean, there are so many unresolved questions to keep us edge until next week: will Kenya grab that wig off of Kim’s head? Does Marlo care enough to really hold Kim back for longer than 30 seconds? Did Brielle get John Legend tickets? SO MANY QUESTIONS. 

A HEAUXS GUIDE TO #GIVINGTUESDAY

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