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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

NENE'S BEDSIDE MANNER (RHOA RECAP)

NENE'S BEDSIDE MANNER (RHOA RECAP)

We open with Porsha taking her Mom and sister, Lauren, to get head-to-toe wrapped up so they can look like sexy mummies who temporarily shaved 2” off of their waists. Porsha gets measured and her thigh is 26.4” around and it took everything in me not to jump up right then and measure my own thigh but I have to say that Porsha’s entire physique seems completely impossible and good job girl.

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Porsha premiers a new testimonial look that is S&M Jessica Rabbit

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She talks about opening a hair salon with her sister and comments, “I’m the body, she’s the backbone,” and then her sister says, “Your butt is busting out,” because it totally is. I mean, embarrassing beauty treatments are their own sub-genre of the Real Housewives series and they’re usually pointless ways to fill time, and this one is no exception. But still: butt cheek!

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Shereé and her daughter Tierra, who is 31 but looks to be 15, are throwing her mom, Thelma, a 70’s theme 70th birthday party. Which means that they go to a vintage clothing store and Kairo puts on an afro that’s wider than his hips.

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Shereé is employing a party planner for this shindig and we can only hope that she’s going to get so pissed off at her that she’ll coin a new catchphrase. Fingers crossed! 

Cynthia is dating a man named Will who can get it. He is like the Rock with a master’s degree and I’m loving it. The two of them are VIBING.

He is a Capricorn and Cynthia says she can handle a Capricorn what the fuck is a Capricorn what does that even mean someone please tell me. Will has a daughter who he adores and he doesn’t bring his phone on dates and he orders a cocktail that is pink and he tells Cynthia that he’s not going to have sex with her tonight but does it in that hot way. TEAM WILL.

And now, my feelings about the latest WalMart ad: DON’T BUY THANKSGIVING FOOD AT WALMART WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WHEN ALDI IS A REAL PLACE AND THEY LET THEIR CASHIERS SIT DOWN AND ALSO PAY THEM ACTUAL MONEY.

Back to the show! NeNe and Greg hang out by the pool talking about how it’s hot as balls. Their giant ass child comes by to borrow the car and Gregg says that today is “national get your daddy something for no reason day.” And that thing he would like is a dessert. Gregg, you have a lot of money, and I’m sure you also have some desserts in the fridge. Just, it’s not that hard. The huge child leaves and NeNe talks about how he needs to text her when she texts him but she does it using the word text 38 times in a row, like a modern “buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo” thing. Greg’s response this this verbal nonsense is “you look so beautiful right now” and this is why their marriage works. He legit adores her and does not notice the crazy.

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Kandi Factory. The team talks about how Kandi and Todd don’t like people and they won’t give their restaurant employees keys to the restaurant so Carmon has to open the doors every morning. That must be hella annoying for Carmon. But it’s OK, because Carmon is leaving to start her own insurance agency, like a Coto come up. DonJuan is not doing anything else because his co-dependency demands that he be judging everyone Kandi talks to who isn’t him until he’s well past the age of retirement.

And then they talk about Xscape and like, that show is happening, I can watch it at my leisure, I don’t need to also get a summary here, MOVE ON.

Kenya has pee in her closet and my first guess is that Matt’s back. But no, her dog peed on her wedding dress and she says it’s because he’s jealous that Baby Marc is new man of the house. You guys, Marc has never been in that house not once, not for a single second. Kenya calls Baby Marc and leaves him increasingly desperate voicemails that she’s trying to make light and breezy but failing because each message is 7-1/2 minutes long. Also, I don’t know what’s happening with Kenya’s bra but it looks uncomfortable.

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Porsha and Lauren meet up with some dudes to talk about the hair salon they’re going to open. The dudes are like, “What is the plan?” and Porsha is like, “Open. A hair salon.” And the dudes are like, “We’re going to need more information,” and Porsha is like, “I do not see why.” She thinks they can open a hair salon in 3 months and girl, no, that time frame will not work for a real place of business. But I’m sure Andy Cohen is willing to build you some paper mache fake ass salon just to give you a story line that isn’t “Porsha continues to suck.” The business dudes leave and Porsha and Lauren start arguing because Lauren wants Porsha to appreciate all the work that she does and Porsha wants Lauren to shut the fuck up. Lauren says that she needs to be treated as a co-owner and an equal to Porsha, which isn’t happening at the moment because Porsha would get 85% of the profits. Porsha’s response is, “And I’m taking you with me,” which makes no sense. So, she gets to…count your money? How does that benefit Lauren? The argument escalates until Lauren storms out, but the best part is the bored ass barista in the background. Like he has women in here screaming at each other every day and is so used to it he can’t be bothered to even look at them.

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Cynthia and NeNe hang out in NeNe’s kitchen. NeNe says that Gregg was admitted to the hospital with chest pains and numbness, and they may do a minor surgery in the morning. NeNe tells us that it’s hard for her to sleep without him in the house and WHY AREN’T YOU IN THE HOSPITAL WITH HIM? You guys, where I come from, when one of your people is in the hospital YOU ARE ALSO IN THE HOSPITAL. Like, what if something happens overnight and he needs help and the nurses are occupied? Nurses do amazing work but pulling a Shirley McLaine from Terms of Endearment is sometimes necessary. Cynthia comments that NeNe is doing HER best but also she totally sucks when it comes to health issues. YOU THINK?

Anyway, the conversation turns to Cynthia’s dating life. NeNe says, “My dating advice to Cynthia would be ‘be a whore.’” That really is great advice. I deeply regret not whoring it up at all when I was single. All the single ladies out there - get you some strange! 

Over at Chateau Shereé the party is in a few hours and the party planner is MIA. HERE WE GO. There are issues, such as everything being broken and ugly. The disco ball needs to be plugged in, the dance floor is in the wrong place, the party planner has the linens, and Shereé is trying to keep it together but this is definitely one of those a tick-tick-boom situations.

Cut to Moore Manor. Kenya is there getting rough and tough with her afro puffs. Cynthia comes over and Kenya tells her that she and Baby Marc are having sex twice a day and she had to get ice packs and they celebrate even that piece of information is horrific. Also, how does that happen via voicemail?

Ninety minutes before the party starts and Tiffany is still not there. She texts, “Unfortunately there appears to be some tension which is not in line with my business practices,” and then cancels on Shereé. And Shereé loses her mind, but not in controlled way that leads to an amazing catchphrase. She calls Tiffany and leaves an angry voicemail that crescendos with, “I’m not happy that you would do this to my mother,” which is true but doesn’t really work on a t-shirt. Also, bad form of Tiffany canceling on Shereé and then not immediately blocking her number. You know that she’s going to cuss you out – get in front of that! Shereé then walks around the house ripping off her mic and cussing at the wind and the wait staff is super uncomfortable.

Back at Moore Manor, Kenya provides proof that Baby Marc exists by showing us that there are man clothes in his closet. The fact that those are new clothes with the tags on that have never been and will never be worn by an actual man isn’t dwelled on. 

Party time!  Shereé 70’s look makes her look like she is 70 years old. Maybe that’s the theme of the party, dress to look like you’re 70?

But then Thelma arrives looking like she is 42 years old so I’m not sure. The women in Shereé’s family practice some form of age magic.

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They turn on the disco ball and everyone dances and no one has a screaming fight so wow that’s maybe a first.

The next day, NeNe is driving to Gregg’s surgery when he calls her and says that it’s been moved up from 12 to 11:20 which means they’re trying to take him early. He’s telling them to wait until NeNe arrives, but they’re not listening because surgery schedules are real and SHE SHOULD ALREADY BE THERE. My gawd.

NeNe arrives too late to see Gregg and just sits in the waiting room crying and, also, WHY ARE YOU ALONE? Your husband is in surgery, maybe bring someone with to hold your hand. Dude, the hospital is an all-hands on deck situation. Get a back up plan for your back up plan, girl. 

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OUR FEMINIST TRUE-CRIME FANS TALK DIRTY JOHN

OUR FEMINIST TRUE-CRIME FANS TALK DIRTY JOHN

WE MADE IT TO THE END (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

WE MADE IT TO THE END (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)