OPRAH'S FAVORITE THINGS OR HEAUXS' FAVORITE THINGS? YOU DECIDE.
Nothing says TAKE ALL MY MONEY like Christmas and Oprah's favorite things. We aren't entirely sure why O's still dishing out her favorite things since the best part her list was watching middle aged moms cry over free junk on live television. This year all of O's favorites are available through Amazon and look, clicking through Amazon can be fun, but it's not as fun as seeing ladies from Peoria lose their GD minds. We've selected a few of Oprah's favorite things and read them for filth because that's what we do here at Heauxs. We've also given you a few, sometimes cheaper, and always more fun alternatives. If you haven't seen O's complete list run over to Amazon and check it out. Feel free to send us a dinner from Katz's Deli...yeah girl, this list is crazy.
HEAUX HEAUX HEAUX ... MERRY WHATEVER.
OPRAH'S FAVORITE THING: BATHROOM
JEREMY: I’m a grown ass person but if somebody got me a toothbrush as a present I would punch them in the dick. Also? GIRL? $170? How about you pay my student loan bill instead, Heaux.
ADRIENNE: I HAVE THIS TOOTHBRUSH. But, girl, I did not pay $170. Before Oprah put this ish in her magazine, I got it at Target for like a hundo. But I’m thrilled to know what Oprah knows, this toothbrush is the shit.
JEREMY: I do not understand putting electronics in your mouth. I am not a robot, Imma use my plastic brush my dentist gave me, but thanks, Oprah. HAVE A BLESSED DAY.
ADRIENNE: JEREMY. I know we’re gonna encounter a whole lotta bullshit on this list, but listen to me when I tell you, you’re teeth are disgusting without a Sonicare. GET YOU ONE.
HEAUXS' FAVORITE THING: BATHROOM
Nose Shower Gel Dispenser by Monkey Butt- Fun Runny Nose Shaped Body Wash, Soap or Shampoo Dispenser
We've wanted this $11.59 nose soap dispenser for our entire lives. This cheap plastic crap is the perfect gift for anyone in your entire family. It says, the holidays are stupid, stop taking shit so seriously, we live in the Midwest and our noses will be running for the next six months, just like this soap dispenser.
OPRAH'S FAVORITE THING: BOOKS
JEREMY: I want this. Also? When is Oprah going to write me a damned book all on her own? Imma read these spiritual quotes from these super cool peeps and all but…OPRAH SIT DOWN AND TELL ME A GD STORY BISH BEFORE I DIE.
ADRIENNE: I mean I probably want this? But like it will probably just be a decorative book at my house, like I don't see myself sitting around reading it. Maybe you could put it in the bathroom and get inspired there? Either way my girl Iyanla better be all over this ish, beloveds.
HEAUXS' FAVORITE THING: BOOKS
Nasty Women: Feminism, Resistance, and Revolution in Trump's America
Seriously though. You know we love Oprah, but the only book you need for this holiday season is Nasty Women: Feminism, Resistance, and Revolution in Trump’s America by Samhita Mukhopadhyay and Kate Harding. It features essays from some of our favorites: Samantha Irby, KATE HARDING, Sarah Hollenbeck, and other killer women like CHERYL MF STRAYED. Sure Oprah’s got Jimmy Carter, but like…HOW MANY WHITE DUDES DO WE HAVE TO LET SPEAK. GAH.
OPRAH'S FAVORITE THING: BAGS
JEREMY: I just thought about Oprah carrying a purse and/or wallet and I died from laughter.
ADRIENNE: These are ugly AF, sorry bout it.
HEAUXS FAVORITE THING: BAGS
Outdoors Fanny Pack Running Waist Bag with 2 Stereo Wireless Bluetooth Speakers
Trust us on this, you will never be old enough for Vera Bradley. EVER. Even better, help us help you stay young and hip with this kick ass fanny pack that blast tunes all over the bike path as you run or cycle by, jamming the fuck out, living your best life.
OPRAH'S FAVORITE THING: DECOR
JEREMY: This bitch has olive trees in her bedroom. Take that in for a few minutes.
ADRIENNE: You know what would happen if I put an olive tree in my bedroom? Motherfucking bugs. BUGS EVERYWHERE. I guarantee it. HARD PASS, BITCH.
HEAUXS FAVORITE THING: DECOR
A PICTURE OF GREECE
Here's a poster of Santorini for $4.80 that you can download immediately. Done and done.
OPRAH'S FAVORITE THING: CLOTHES
JEREMY: If my mom made us all dress alike to sleep I would have poisoned her morning OJ.
ADRIENNE: You know I’m going to hate this because I’m a divorced single mother and I can’t get behind any perfect family bullshit. Also, are the parent’s one piece? Like how is it relaxing to have to take off your entire outfit to pee?
HEAUXS FAVORITE THING: CLOTHES
GRISWOLD FAMILY CHRISTMAS HOODED SWEATSHIRT
Not only is this sweatshirt 1000 times more comfortable than one piece pajamas, it let's everyone at the table know that the best part of holidays is quoting National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. "SHITTERS FULL!" you yell at Aunt Margaret coming out of the downstairs guest bathroom, fan on at full blast. "Can't even see the line, can ya, Russ?" you whisper to Cousin Julie as your mom is bent over the oven with VPL on fleek. This sweatshirt is everything matching pajamas wishes it could be.
OPRAH'S FAVORITE THING: TCHOTCHKES
JEREMY: I’ve heard of these jars and…you know I’m positive person but if I see this at your house I will break it and if you buy this for me I will punch you in the dick for the second time.
ADRIENNE: I love the idea of this. But like, stuff like this makes me really nervous. Like I'm going to walk outta the room and some random is going to be reading all my gratitude notes and laughing their ass off at me and SHAME BELL. That probably wouldn't happen but it still feels weird.
HEAUXS FAVORITE THING: TCHOTCHKES
Golden Girls Prayer Candles / Set of 4 / Dorothy, Rose, Sophia and Blanche
Some genius has re-imagined the queens of Miami as the religious icons we've always known them to be. Turn your house into a Golden shrine the next time you binge watch a few episodes, or light a few to honor sending your mom to Shady Pines.
OPRAH'S FAVORITE THING: BEDROOM
JEREMY: Again. MY BIRTHDAY. MESSAGE ME FOR MY MAILING ADDRESS. I WOULD LIKE THE PRINCESS. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.
ADRIENNE: I WAS SO INTO THIS UNTIL I SAW THE PRICETAG.
JEREMY: Wait. I’m a broke ass mf and I feel like $119 is OK for bed linens? LOL I JUST TYPED THE WORD BED LINENS. HOLD ON. I HAVE TO GO WALK IN FRONT OF A BUS. OK FINE.
HEAUXS FAVORITE THING: BEDROOM
Laura Hart Kids Unicorn Princess Printed Bedding Collection
Here's a cute-ass unicorn princess blanket for $52 AND THERE’S A CROWN SHAPED PILLOW AS AN OPTION. Oprah. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER DUDE.
OPRAH'S FAVORITE THING: FOOD
JEREMY: Bitch. WHAT?
ADRIENNE: $50???? For some blueberries? And how are motherfuckers harvesting blueberries in Maine in DECEMBER???
HEAUXS FAVORITE THING: FOOD
OPRAH IS SO RICH SHE DOESN'T KNOW YOU CAN BUY FROZEN BLUEBERRIES DOWN AT THE JEWLS. GIRL. How about these new flavors over at our favorite… Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams instead!? You can order that mess online and have it delivered to your door…but you could also get in an Uber and take your ass over there right now.