I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT (THOTS & PRAYERS 4 HEAUXS)
I'm turning 42 this week. I used to think that was old. I imagined I'd somehow have myself together, know what's happening and have some sort of plan for the future by now. LOL I'm not sure any of that ever comes. My only plan is to not stop. I want to try, and create new things with a ferociousness that grows daily.
Also, my dudes? I DO NOT feel old. It's shocking that I am 42 since I feel the exact same as I did 20 years (or more) ago. The only noticeable difference for me now is I feel less afraid. Don't get excited, I am still scared and worried about everything all the time everyday, but I understand fear as part of the journey forward. I am scared ... and I keep on truckin' anyway.
I'd like to be and stay 35 forever, but I saw Death Becomes Her and I know that's not possible. All of it has me thinking about aging. I might feel young (whatever that means) and good and normal, but don't let all of this positive energy fool you. I'm not old, I don't feel old, but THERE IS A WHOLE LOT OF SHIT I AM TOO OLD FOR:
1. Going to your party that starts at 9pm or after — LOL unless Cher, Madonna, Streisand, Hillary Clinton, Or Bette (or some combo of these rare and amazing women) are coming ... LOSE MY INVITE. I AM FORTY TWO.
2. Camping — I CANT SLEEP ON THE GROUND, FOOL. I AM FORTY TWO.
3. Sharing a hotel room — I love you and I am also poor, but nah girl. Invite me on this trip with enough notice so I have time to sell my kidney so I can reserve a room at the Holiday Inn. I do not need to see you in your underwear ... I AM FORTY TWO.
4. A midnight movie — HAHAHAHAHAHA HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING. If I'm not already in bed by midnight I'm in the bathtub sipping tea and reading Cher's memoirs. YA STAR WAR CAN WAIT UNTIL NOON TOMORROW. I AM FORTY TWO.
5. Build a Bear — girl. Is this some kind of joke? I don't wanna paint the Eiffel Tower with you, I don't wanna build a bear, or make pottery, group activity in public makes me cranky. I AM FORTY TWO.
6. Board Games — Rules are dumb and made to be broken. ALSO. I hate losing, I am super competitive and it makes my blood pressure go THROUGH THE ROOF. Did I mention I don't wanna wait for my turn? I wanna go now so this can be over. I AM FORTY TWO.
7. Fast Food — I can't do it anymore, my body won't allow it. I'm a vegetarian now, so it really doesn't matter all that much anymore. I don't miss it. Chipotle is fine, but anything beyond an egg and cheese sammy will require Pampers Ultra. I AM FORTY TWO.
8. Halloween — I know I'm basically committing a gay hate crime by coming out as a homo who doesn't love Halloween, but GIRL I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I barely want to put my own clothes on and get out of bed every morning. WHYYYYY would I buy something I'm gonna wear one night and pretend like that's a good time. BESIDES. I'm dressed like Mr. Bean EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I can't pretend I like it anymore. I AM FORTY TWO.
9. Looking good at work — Sometimes I wear the same outfit to work every day, just to see if anyone notices. LOL NOBODY NOTICES. Mostly because I work with one other person, who happens to be a rabbi and he's not going to say ... CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES YOU DEPRESSED WEIRDO (he's a rabbi). Why put in the effort, I answer email for a living. I AM FORTY TWO.
10. Shaving every day — LOL WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS ON ANY PART OF THEIR BODY? My face grows hair so fast. I can't possibly be expected to keep up with it. It's exhausting. On a good week I might shave twice, if we're in the dead of winter ... once? Who cares anyway, why is a clean shaved face or legs or underarms a sign of ... anything good? WHO CARES. I AM FORTY TWO.
11. Please don't make me be in your wedding — With a couple exceptions (literally two people and they probably won't read this but you know who you are MFs so don't send me hate tweets) ... I don't wanna be in your wedding. I just want to be there and be excited for you and not have to do a job. I promise to be the most excited, but weddings are ridiculous and too expensive and please don't make me. I AM FORTY TWO.
12. Star Wars — I AM FORTY TWO.
13. ALL THESE GD TV OPTIONS — Do I have to watch on my computer, my phone, my smart car, my television, IS THERE AN APP? SOMEBODY RENT ME A TEENAGER I DONT KNOW HOW TO WATCH FUCKING TV ANYMORE. I AM FORTY TWO.
14. iPhone Updates — If you want to see me go right into a rage stroke update my phone and then hand it to me. Do I swipe or do I hit the button, WHY IS IT SO BRIGHT, where is the calculator AHH AHHHH AHHHHH. I AM FORTY TWO.
15. 69 — Nope. I AM FORTY TWO.
16. Spotify — I lived through the invention of the internet, I watched as records became tapes became CDs and then iTunes took over the world. I AM TIRED. I can't do another music platform. I JUST CANNOT. I AM FORTY TWO.
17. Quinoa — I AM FORTY TWO.
18. Friday Nights — I am so tired on Friday nights. If I come to your event don't expect me to be there for very long. I'm sure you're a very nice person, but I'd rather be in my bathtub or asleep on my couch. I AM FORTY TWO.
19. Not drinking coffee — LOL ... those people who decide they need a break from caffeine. Unless my doctor tells me to cut back ... Imma continue to bathe in a jug of it every day ... or you'll see me on the evening news. I AM FORTY TWO.
20. Hangovers — I became a serious runner (that makes me LOL) in the last year or so, which means I cut WAYYYY back on drinking. I feel better and I'm honestly not sure I could survive being hungover anymore. They nearly killed me before, so now I might end up in the ER. I AM FORTY TWO.
21. Pumpkin Pie — Pumpkin pie is a lie. Fight me. I AM FORTY TWO.
22. Bad Movies — Gross. I can't even talk about it. I AM FORTY TWO.
23. The Cheapest Version of a thing — unless of course the cheapest version is the best version. I'm not bougie, I just don't wanna deal with busted sub par shit. I AM FORTY TWO.
24. "friends" — I have a lot friends, I don't really need new ones ... so people gotta bring it or BYE. I AM FORTY TWO.
25. FIGHTING — I don't want to be in a fight with you or anyone EVER, so if not being able to communicate your thoughts and feelings like a grown ass adult is your bag ... BYEEE. I AM FORTY TWO.
26. flip flops — There are so many ways to die, why would I pick this one? I AM FORTY TWO.
27. I'm not changing clothes to "go out" — LOLs TO DEATH. I AM FORTY TWO.
28. SHHHHH — I can't hear in loud bars and I'm terrible reading lips. If I can't year you without you screaming and spitting allover me Shakespearean actor style ... I GOTTA GO. I AM FORTY TWO.
29. CIGARETTES — NOPE. I AM FORTY TWO.
30. Shutting Up — I can't not tell you what I think. ESPECIALLY if you ask. I AM FORTY TWO.
31. Children — If I have to explain this to you you probably have children. I'm sure your little one is lovely, but nah girl ... not for me. I take too many baths to be responsible for another life. I AM FORTY TWO.
32. MTV — MY DUDES ... I remember when MTV was invented and was for me. Now I can't go to that station on my TV unless I want to feel like I'm 900 years old. WHO ARE ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE (children). AND THE MTV MUSIC AWARDS? LOLOLOL It's like a live televised daycare center with excellent production value. I AM FORTY TWO.
33. WAITING — I'm not an old person, but I am too old to wait in line to get into a bar or a club. ALSO. Waiting for more than 20/30 minutes to eat at a restaurant is a lie. I can't be doing that. I don't even like food that much ... NOBODY DOES. I AM FORTY TWO.
34. THE VOICE — I've never seen a single episode of The Voice. If I want to hear some sad queen sing sad shit at Adam Levine ... I'll record the concert I give in my car every morning on my way to work ... and play it back to myself. I AM FORTY TWO.
35. KYLIE JENNER — Ok. Look at me. LISTEN. I love the Kardashians. I can't fucking help myself. Keeping Up With the Kardashians is watchable JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT. I like that shit. BUT. Kylie? That kid (SHES AN ACTUAL CHILD) is a billionaire (or damned close to it). She hasn't done one single thing that has required an ounce of talent. I don't get it. I don't understand. She's got more followers on social media than the MF Pope. I watched one episode of her reality show (yeah she's got her own) and I had to turn that mess off because HOW OLD DOES ONE PERSON NEED TO FEEL ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I AM FORTY TWO.
36. You're mad at me — Listen. I can be a jerk, an idiot, a lot of things. But. If you're mad at me and you can't talk to me about it. I don't have time for it. I'm not gonna walk into traffic. ESPECIALLY if I don't even know you. So. BY GIRL. Ain't nobody got time for that. I AM FORTY TWO.
37. GIFTS — Please do not buy me something. I do not want a gift from you. Not for my birthday, not for Christmas, not for my anniversary, not for Hanukkah. NOTHING. Well, unless I said ... (which I am saying PS) BUY ME THAT ZAC POSEN COOKBOOK. Get me a GD GIFT CARD AND LET ME BUY MY OWN MF SWEATER. I AM FORTY TWO.
38. SNAP CHAT — I don't even know WTF I'm talking about I just know it exists as a thing in the world. I AM FORTY TWO.
39. Supercuts — Sweetheart. I have about 37 hairs. I need them to look as good as possible. I'm either going to buzz them myself with my deluxe clippers from Target or I'm going to pay a professional $468.95 to whip them into a shape worthy of your dirty looks. You should do the same. I mean you are a grownup, right? I AM FORTY TWO.
40. IMPROV — Can we all be honest and admit that this shit is not all that funny? IT'S NOT. It actually scares TF out of me. Sorry, I cannot watch your improv team unless my $4 ticket comes with a free crushed Xanax to snort AND a seat belt for my uncomfortable bar stool. I'm worried your teammate isn't going to know what to do with "spaghetti" as a suggestion and I'd rather be watching the Kardashians right now. I AM FORTY TWO.
41. Gay Bars — Listen. I spent a lot of time in the gay bars of Chicago back in the day. They offered a place to not feel alone. I got community there. I learned that being gay is OK. But now that I'm in my forties I'm basically invisible there and also ... THE MUSIC IS TOO LOUD AND THE LIGHTS FLASH TOO MUCH AND can I please have a comfortable chair. ALSO. sooooooooooo many theme nights. Can I just get a vodka tonic and some Willie Nelson? Thanks. I AM FORTY TWO.
42. Social Media Breaks — Oh my lord. I know it's hard sometimes. When somebody dies there are 900 pics of that person. OR. When everybody is mad because that guy who lives in the White House does something dumb ... we have 999999999 posts about it ... complete with analysis and feelings AND those people WHO SCREAM AT EVERYONE AND POLICE EVERYTHING THEY SEE ON THE INTERNET. You can't not use social media, try as you might. I unfollow these clowns. I don't need people yelling at me. I AM FORTY TWO.
43. BONUS! I am who I am. I like that person. I'm too old to beat myself up over what I like or don't. I'm pretty rad, and so are you. Don't take shit from nobody!