I'M SORRY, WHAT
Listen, we know this isn't an NFL game, or wait maybe it is we have ZERO clue what the hell an NFL game is, but we're gonna go ahead and take a knee on this one. If you haven't heard, I regret to be the one to inform you Blake Shelton has been named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.
America clearly has its head shoved up a pig's ass or whatever ass it is where we've stored all of our down home, Monday Night Football, good ol' boy choices because NAH, GIRL.
Sexiest Man Alive? Sexiest man alive, where? Is the contest only being held in Gwen Stefani's living room? Surely there is a picture of her first husband Gavin Rossdale somewhere in that living room, which would make this milquetoast, snooze fest, Sig Ep reject ineligible.
JFK JR, Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Richard Gere, Channing Tatum, The Rock, and Blake Shelton. DOES THAT LIST MAKE ANY DAMNED SENSE TO YOU? OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE LOOK AT YOU YOU'RE NOT BLIND ORRRR STUPID.
It got us thinking. WHAT IS SEXIER THAN BLAKE SHELTON. We know, WE KNOW ... EVERY SINGLE THING is the obvious answer. However, we're fun AF so we came up with a list of things that are sexier than this obvious pandering to the Trump Voter. YEAH GIRL WE JUST GOT POLITICAL, WE KNOW. SIT DOWN.
1) Adrienne’s blue sweatpants with pizza sauce on the right leg.
2) Risotto is sexier than Blake Shelton.
3) Naperville, IL is sexier than Blake Shelton.
4) My Honda CR-V is sexier than Blake Shelton.
5) My wet and stanky running shorts that sat in the washing machine all day because I forgot to put them in the drier this morning before I left for work are sexier than Blake Shelton.
6) Jon Hamm. PERIOD. IT'S JUST THE FUCKING TRUTH. DICK DON'T LIE, BITCH.
7) John Lithgow as Winston Churchill on The Queen is sexier than Blake Shelton.
8) Warm socks are sexier than Blake Shelton.
9) Leftover dried toothpaste spit in your sink from this morning is sexier than Blake Shelton.
CAN YOU TELL WE ARE HAVING A RAGE STROKE? We are at a loss for words. Since pictures are worth more that words anyway ... here's what we looked like when this BS news broke online.
DEAR PEOPLE MAGAZINE. Get your eyes checked. I have a nice doctor if you need one. CALL ME.
AND ... that's really all we have to say about that.