VASOVAGAL BLAH BLAH BLAH (RHOA RECAP)
Episode two and we have our taglines!
Nene - 10 years in the game and I’m still the tastiest peach in ATL. I’m 100% sure she’s talking about her vag.
Porsha - Friends come and go but family is forever. I mean, except for the three times each week when you stop talking to your sister because she walked on your rug.
Cynthia - Age is just a number but these cheekbones are timeless. I can’t find the lie.
Kandi - Don’t mess with the boss because you might get fired. PHAEDRA DID YOU HEAR THAT?
Kenya - While some were saying I can’t, I was saying I do. Dude, I’m convinced that you are already divorced. Stop it.
Shereé - Call me a bad server because I always spill the tea. Shereé brings me such happiness you guys. I love this line and I’m convinced she wrote it herself don’t prove me wrong just let me sit in my joy.
We open with a scene of what the woman are doing, and Shereé’s son, Kairo, is at her home eating pancakes off of a Styrofoam plate. I mean, not even paper. Apparently they do not care about the environment or have access to actual dishes.
Cut to – Cynthia in her lake house taking a luxurious bath where the producers do their best to imply that she’s rubbing one out. I’m against it, only because getting a bunch of soap suds up in you isn’t good for your overall vaginal health.
Cut to – Porsha’s place, which she is now trying to get us to call Porsha’s Palace and it’s not going to happen. Anyway, her sister Lauren is moving in with her niece, Baleigh, whose name I had to check three times because I swear that spelling can’t be right. Porsha set up a room for Baleigh but didn’t care enough to make sure her initials weren’t crooked. Porsha is not good at the details, you guys.
Porsha talks to Lauren, her mom, and her aunt about Nene going on Watch What Happens Live and saying that Porsha should be fired. It’s so weird to see the show admit that it exists and that these women are employed by Bravo and are doing this as a job. Everyone is basically like, “Yeah, Nene sucks” and then Porsha’s mom takes down some lettuce with her everything while her hair looks like Beyoncé in a hurricane.
Cynthia is meeting a date named Evan who presents as a baby W. Kamau Bell. She’s meeting him for this date in an empty ass warehouse and he presents her with a fury ass blindfold to put on and when she’s like, “Um…” and he says, “You trust me?” and ARE YOU A MAN ? YES? I FOR SURE DON’T TRUST YOU. But the production crew is there and would probably not let him murder her all the way, so she puts on the blindfold and he leads her to a – surprise photo shoot! I mean, is that a romantic surprise? Like, “Hey baby I suprised you with…your job!” It’s like someone putting a blindfold on me and leading me to a computer where I get to do some vlookups on some spreadsheets. THANK YOU ALSO THIS IS NOT FUN.
A mutual friend hooked them up and Cynthia describes Evan like Norbert with swag. He surprises her with a dinner and I don’t want her to eat it, it’s been sitting in that room for at least 30 minutes and is super room temperature I promise. Evan is 29 years old so Cynthia is not at all interested in him, but he’s very much interested in her as you can tell from these here crazy eyes.
Shereé goes to a place called Bailey and Hunter to meet up with her life coach, who is named Jack Daniels and IT’S LIKE THEY’RE WRITING THIS FOR ME.
Shereé has a bun and the baby hair is everything I love it, but the office carpet is red and I hate it sooooo much. Shereé talks to Jack Daniels about Bob and how he is the actual worst. She wants to get to a place where she can talk about her abusive relationship without crying. She says that she hasn’t talked to her kids about the abuse and Jack Daniels gives her a homework assignment of coming up with a time to rehearse having the difficult conversation with her kids. And, yes, that’s good advice but I really hope that production covered the cost of that because I think an actual bottle of Jack Daniels could have come up with the same plan.
Kenya and Cynthia go for a walk with her tiny terrible dogs I hate tiny dogs they are the worst. Also, I think that’s three pictures of Che Guevara blurred out in the background.
Kenya says that her dogs no longer sleep with her because the grown ass man we’re supposed to refer to as “Baby” even though his name is “Marc” is in her bed instead. Cynthia says, “Now, Kenya has a man and I’ve got a lake.” But, like, Cynthia, at least your lake is real. And in the same state as you. And isn’t already talking to you about divorce.
Kenya is still on a wedding high. She says that she’s going to hyphenate her name and she isn’t sure that she really walked down the aisle, it was so magical. Maybe if you would have invited your dad you’d have a better memory of it.
Kenya tells Cynthia about her first meeting with Baby Marc. And..it’s so boring it’s not even worth repeating. Like, she went to a restaurant and he said “Hi” to her and then left. AND THEY SAY ROMANCE IS DEAD.
Cynthia calls out the misogyny of the other women being mad at her Kenya for not being forthcoming about this wedding when they were also pissed at her when she didn’t have a man. Kenya says that Baby Marc is freaking out because he’s being talked about in every blog site internationally and, I mean, he should calm down because that is in no way true.
And now, let’s break for me to scream at WalMart’s holiday commercials: FUCK YOU WALMART WITH YOUR WHOOMP THERE IT IS TOY ROLLBACKS PAY YOUR EMPLOYEES A LIVING WAGE.
And we’re back! Kandi goes to a Coming to America cosplay store to meet Shamea. Shamea is getting married and I know that I knew that but I had legit forgot until just now. Congrats! She says that they’re going to have dinner in the bush the night before the wedding, which is going to be in Africa. And like – that’s a big ass place. Did the invitation specify where in Africa, or did it just say, “Africa”? Can we narrow it down to a country, at least? Turns out that it’s Kenya, the country, not the woman.
Porsha is one of Shamea’s oldest and closest friends but she can’t come to the wedding in Kenya because first class tickets are $10,000. Shamea is disappointed and feels like Porsha is backing away from her and that their friendship is one-sided. Like, yes, absolutely, that is true. Porsha doesn’t do a damn thing for anyone else – that’s kind of her brand. Kandi is traveling to Kenya for the wedding and is happy that Porsha isn’t coming because it’s “…one less place where I don’t have to worry about her trying to hug me.”
Porsha is a baby vegan and is wasting a lot of money by throwing away all of her meat. She saw What The Health and did the thing where then she felt bad about herself so good job Netflix, you got another one. Also - why is she wearing a turban?
Kenya is showing her dog her wedding dress and it’s the saddest thing.
She and Baby Marc are living in different cities. So how is it that he’s sleeping in your bed at night? She cries to her friend Brandon who is also on her payroll about how hard it is because people are talking shit all over the internet when all she did was get married in a super weird way.
Then she has a breakdown and a Bravo producer is called in to calm her down because I guess that Bravo produces the show AND provides on-call therapy. Those producers do it all! Kenya cries and says that Baby Marc isn’t eating or sleeping and has ex-girlfriends sending him stuff about her from 25 years ago and they were supposed to go to a church to get their wedding blessed but now he doesn’t want to go and goddamn BABY MARC DID YOU NOT GOOGLE KENYA MOORE PRIOR TO MARRYING HER? This shit came with the territory. You were literally the last to know. Anyway, she doesn’t want to get divorced, which sucks because she is absolutely going to get divorced.
Cut to – Kandi’s kitchen, which has this really imposing backsplash. It looks like the kitchen on the Deathstar.
Shereé comes over with a group of friends so she can practice telling her kids that Bob is a fucking monster without crying. She calls her three friends the Bone Carrier Gang and Kandi is trademarking that restaurant name RIGHT NOW.
Kandi goes first and pretends to be Shereé telling her kids that their dad is a bigger piece of shit than they previous imagined and she is really great at it. Shereé goes next and isn’t as good at it because FEELINGS FEELING FEELINGS.
Lauren and Porsha drive to a fancy ass hat party and Porsha is wearing her old wedding ring as costume jewelry, which legit made me laugh.
Oh! The party is Shamea’s bridal shower! That woman’s life is so forgettable to me, I swear. But it looks like an amaze bridal shower in that everyone is in fancy hats and there are shirtless men serving cocktails. I need to go back in time and re-do my bridal shower.
Porsha sees Shereé sitting at a table with Kandi and comes over and exclaims that at first she thought Shereé was Kim Z and Kandi’s eyes say everything.
Porsha and Lauren sit down and Kandi just gets up and leaves. Porsha tells Shereé that she can’t come to the wedding in Kenya because she can’t afford first class and she can’t fly coach because she has vasosomething so she can’t be on a plane that long without being able to put her feet up.
So I Google vasovagal syncope because I’m curious and for real, WebMD says, “Vasovagal syncope is usually harmless and requires no treatment.” Girl, your Munchausen's is bad and you should feel bad.
Shamea shows up in this mullet dress that is everything. Time to start the fun bridal shower games designed to rob women of their dignity!
They take empty Kleenex boxes and put ping pong balls in them and tie them around the women’s waists and ask them to twerk the balls out of the box while wearing their Sunday best. It’s a setback for everyone, including the Kleenex brand.
Then they play a game where they tie a wiener around their waist and try to dip it into a cup that has a hole in it. It’s like a fertility ritual designed by your grossest uncle. The emcee tells Shereé that she has to play and Shereé is such a champ, she’s like, “OK! Yes! Sure thing! What are the rules! Do I get to use my mouth or my hands? I don’t care which, but I just need to know to plan my strategy!”
Shereé, of course, wins.
Back at the table, they eat lunch and Shamea and Porsha start to unpack a few things. Shamea states that she was surprised that Porsha came to the earlier tribal ceremony for her wedding, and the Porsha is hurt that Shamea would say that she was surprised since they’re the bestest friends who ever friended who also don’t like each other. Shamea mentions that she was surprised since Porsha isn’t coming to the wedding and Porsha says that she can’t come because she fainted once and now has a doctor’s note that says that she never has to go to anything she doesn’t want to ever again. Shamea is skeptical of this “condition” and Porsha says, “I sent you an email all about it,” and Shamea says, “I was mad so I didn’t read it.” And I laughed so hard at that, you guys. Meanwhile, Kandi and her assistant Carmon sit at the other side of the table pretending to be Porsha handing out doctor’s notes.
The party is over, so Kandi drives away and totally misses the weird car fight between Porsha and Shamea. Hell, production almost misses it and has to run over real quick to get it on tape.
Porsha is hurt because Shamea called her out in front of Kandi, who already hates her. Shamea is upset because Porsha is the worst friend ever and basically a bad person. They argue back and forth until Porsha says, “I’m not trying to understand your position anymore because I know how I feel,” which is hilarious. Like, this is the same argument Donald Trump makes every time his staff tries to show him his poll numbers. And then Lauren interrupts them like, “I am not paying my babysitter overtime for this nonsense so argument over.”
In summary: Did Nene negotiate a contract where she only has to be in every other episode?