SURPRISE (RHOAUCKLAND RECAP)
Michelle and Gilda debrief from Gilda’s book launch and talk about how Angela showing up two hours late and entering through the stage while someone was speaking was like, amazing television, and also horrific. Michelle reveals that Angela’s book arrived in the mail that morning and Gilda makes this face:
And, can you blame her when the cover looks like a Dove Chocolate commercial from 1998?
They read it and make fun it because, for real, Angela’s advice is to take a bubble bath. Because that will help you be “real.” And, for really real, bubble baths are terrible. Like, the water gets cold really fast and the bubble soap gets all in your vagina and it’s boring but if you bring a book to read it will for sure fall in the water and even if you have one of those suction-cup pillow things to put your head on it still hurts the shit out of your neck. What I’m saying is: fuck bubble baths, just drink instead.
Julia and Angela go shopping for a birthday present for Michelle. They end up buying these horrific antique candlesticks and they talk about Louise and how she doesn’t like Angela. Julia’s astute observation to Angela is, “I think [Louise] is completely jealous of you. Louise is in her twilight years pumping herself up with silicone. Her career is going down to the floor while yours is rising,” and DAMN. I would say that’s the meanest thing Julia has ever said but she throws around the n-word willy-nilly so I guess I’ll just settle with, girl, that’s a solid read.
Gilda meets up with Michelle’s husband to figure out why the fuck she’s married to him and to select a birthday cake.
You guys, he’s been married to Michelle for 17 years and has no idea what kind of cake she likes. PAY BETTER ATTENTION TO YOUR WIFE. But, like, for real, it’s probably because she’s obsessed with her weight and hasn’t eaten cake in 26 years.
Louise has a radio show ? I guess it’s overnight internet radio so, yes, to back up what Julia said earlier, Louise’s career is officially dead. Louise is not good at this fake job in that she forgets to speak into the mic for long periods of time. I think the format of this late night bullshit show is to have Louise beg people to call her and for no one to call her and for Louise to freak out on air. Anne comes by to visit and Louise doesn’t really notice.
Louise is happy that Anne is there because Anne can talk the leg off of a chair. They put Anne on-air and Louise gets Anne to talk about her favs, which are, in order: cats and champagne. And then we find out that Anne likes Donald Trump so she can FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF. Also, it’s 1:30AM and Anne is wearing this outfit at a radio station:
Someone finally calls in just to read them to death. He says that they’re very removed from the mess of normal New Zealand life since all they’re talking about is cats and champagne and they’re like, “We’re talking about what we know!” and he’s like, “Fucking read a book or something.”
It’s Michelle’s birthday and her husband is taking her and her daughter on a helicopter ride to her birthday party. The party is at an estate on an island or some shit and it’s gorgeous.
Gilda helped plan the party so she shows up first and her hand ring situation is the best thing I’ve ever seen.
Meanwhile, Anne’s dress is insane.
Angela arrives and brings her personal assistant Lea with because Angela has to make everyone uncomfortable all of the time. Angela says that she’s apprehensive about going to this party because she’s starting to wonder if these women are really her friends and I’m like they actively hate you, it's not a secret.
Michelle’s husband blindfolds her to lead her up the stairs into the house and she’s in 6 inch heels and the whole thing is misguided. Surprises are fun but making a bitch fear for her life is the opposite of fun.
Michelle doesn’t know where she is and all she can think of is that it smells like a schoolhouse. She is getting incredibly annoyed and angry and then they all yell surprise and she shits herself and gets even angrier because the only thing worse than being lead around in a blindfold while you’re wearing 6 inch heels into a room that smells like a schoolhouse is doing all of that while being yelled at by a bunch of people.
Anyway, once she figures out it’s a surprise party she smiles and hugs everyone, except for Angela because Angela just waves to her from the other side of the room and doesn’t come over. You know, like you do to the person whose surprise birthday party you’re attending.
Michelle wants to know why Angela’s personal assistant is there and why Angela didn’t come up and hug her. And the answers are: because she literally has no one else in her life and it’s very sad, and because the producers told her that she won’t get a second season unless she stirs up some shit.
On a mission to stir up shit, Angela decides that it’s time to clear the air with Louise. Angela tells Louise that her friends heard Louise talking shit about her book launch party and Louise is like, “Wow, your friends have amaze hearing,” and walks away.
And then we have a lot of walking back and forth and all the women fighting and it’s basically Julia and Angela vs. Louise and Anne and I can’t even focus on who’s arguing what because there’s no nuance to it. These women don’t like each other and it's boring. There’s one side, which is petty and dumb, which is Louise and Anne, and then there’s the other side, which is just stupid fucking morons, which is Julia and Angela.
Gilda comes over to try to give us something we can focus on and tells Angela that she should have said “Hi” to Michelle at her own birthday party. Then Julia inserts herself into the argument and I’ve lost my focus again because I’m captivated by the fact that Julia’s hair is a goddamn nightmare.
Gilda is so done with all of this so she tells Julia, “You’re a fucking idiot,” and then Julia tries to laugh it off but instead just starts crying and runs away. Angela follows and man it’s so easy to make Julia cry. Just say anything that’s completely obvious like, “Your face shape. I noticed.”
Julia and Angela talk outside and decide that they need to take down Louise. And then Angela says, of their plan, “Let’s put a cat amongst the pigeons” and she’s so proud of herself because then she says it four times in a row and STAHP.
The ladies all get together to give Michelle her gifts. Julia and Angela give her these big ass dusty candle sticks and I mean they are old and expensive and gross. Michelle says that she’ll find a place for them for sure, which is what you say when you’re going to throw something in a closet and never look at it again.
Anne gives Michelle nice champagne, Gilda gives her a Gucci lion head ring, and Louise realizes that she was supposed to bring a present. Louise she says that her gift is taking Michelle out to lunch to any restaurant of her choice. Louise kind of sucks, but is comfortable with how much she sucks, so I don’t mind it that much.
So then Angela decides to start the attack on Louise and says to her, “If you hold up a mirror what do you see? Yourself,” and I mean, are you trying to attack Stuart Smiley or a rich bitch housewife? UP YOUR GAME. Louise responds, “You’re one of the most deluded people I’ve ever met in my life,” which is a solid read. Angela responds, “Is that how you talk about your friends?” because she needs like a good hour to come up with a new thought, and Louise shoots back, “You’re not my friend.” It’s like Angela brought chakra oil to a knife fight.
Julia decides to actually fuck shit up the way they planned and she tells the group that Louise said that Michelle is the biggest gold digger of all and once she bleeds David dry she’s going to leave him. Michelle asks Louise if she said that and Louise admits it but she has this weird smile on her face like, “As soon as this scene is done filming is over thank gawd I’ll be able to get out of these spanxs.”
But Michelle is legit hurt by this news and you can tell on her face.
Anne drains her glass because the champagne is about to be cut off.
Michelle storms off but her husband is like, “Baby, you still have another hour of filming, get back in there,” so she comes back and stands in the entrance to the room and seethes.
Gilda is like fuck this Louise sucks we all know it, it’s no surprise, let’s get back to the part where Angela and Julia tried to ruin this party on purpose. And then Gilda GOES IN. She calls Angela a drunken chardonnay whore, she calls Angela a stupid beast, she calls Angela a fucking fake and tells her to go read her own book. Angela responds, “I’ve read it, I wrote it,” and OH MY GAWD ANGELA YOU ARE THE DUMBEST. It’s like you can’t fight her, not really, because she gives you nothing. On any other franchise she’d just be a smoking carcass by now.
Anyway, I guess this was the season finale because they throw up these end-of-season cards that are supposed to wrap up the ladies’ storylines but they totally don’t do that. So let’s rewrite them!
Angela can’t technically read and Lea’s parents are suing her for kidnapping.
Michelle wishes she would have body-shamed Angela more often and with greater vigor.
Louise is available.
Julia continues to be an ugly racist.
We tried to give Anne a redemptive arc but then she supported Donald Trump.
This bitch gives us life.