GOING BALLS OUT (RHOC RECAP)
Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus. Everytime I turn on RHOC, someone is talking about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. (Well, your lord and savior. I’m a neurotic Jew) The irony that reality tv stars are devout Christians is not lost on me. These women have botox and diet pills coursing through their veins and I would not be surprised if at least two of them own literal golden calves because as the Christian adage goes, all that glitters should be purchased for your over-leveraged homes. What passes for piety in the OC would be an all-you-can-eat caviar and Redbull-vodka buffet anywhere else. Onwards!
First, we meet up with RHOC's sparkliest Christians, Lydia and Doug. Poor Doug. Lydia is forcing him to get a vasectomy but what’s worse, she keeps on referring to the procedure as “getting his balls chopped off.” But what’s worse, she throws a boat party for Doug and calls it a “balls voyage” party. But what’s worse, she refers to this party as a “snip gift” for Doug, like a ‘push present.’ I don’t know what’s worse: to throw an opulent yacht party for something as minor as a vasectomy or Lydia’s self-satisfaction with her use of testicle-themed bon mots. As The Countess always says: Money can’t buy you class.
The other women arrive to the yacht-cock party, men in tow, and before you can spell vaginal rejuvenation therapy, the drama heats up.
David Beador--Voldemort in a Golden Girls’ wig--begins grilling Diko about Peggy’s cancer. Neither Diko nor Peggy have done a particularly good job of explaining that the doctor found cancerous cells but not a tumor. Diko is just like: Peggy did have cancer, but not real cancer, just a bit of cancer, but not total cancer, more just like cancer-ish, an adorable amount of cancer.
When Peggy finds out that David was prodding about her cancer, she declares to her children that she is utterly disgusted. Peggy is DEE. SCUST. ED. She repeats this over and over until her kids look like they want a new mom.
The next day, Lydia accompanies Doug to the vasectomy and I, for one, was super disappointed to see that everything went well. This season of RHOC needs a shot in the arm and it would have been much more compelling television if Doug looked down to find that his penis had been replaced with a miniature version of Heather Dubrow clinking a Champagne glass. God I miss her.
As if Kelly’s breast reduction and vaginal rejuvenation therapy wasn’t enough, now we have to watch her get a colonic. Kelly makes awful sex noises and I get flashes of the three seconds of ‘Two Girls, One Cup’ I watched on a dare before running to the bathroom to vomit. And then, because I’m being punished for shoplifting candy when I was ten years old, Vicki arrives to get a colonic as well. I can only assume there’s a 2-for-1 deal. Vicki spends an eternity whining about not pooping regularly because her poop is extremely hard. Then, apropos of nothing, Vicki wails that she needs to get her heart checked because it’s heartbroken due to divorce and damaged friendships, Tamra included. If I were Vicki, I’d focus on the poop because that seems like a more pressing health concern, but what do I know? I’m just a girl with regular bowel movements, who eats a decent amount of roughage.
Somewhere in here there’s an easter montage where all the ladies prepare to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ by painting eggs with their children and complaining about each other.
Cue the sad Klezmer music and blue mood lights. Here comes Shannon Beador. Shannon’s mother is visiting and Shannon opens up about her weight gain and the dark hole in her life that is her marriage to David. There’s weeping and self-loathing aplenty. Later at dinner, David snipes at Shannon that she was spoiled as a child, while Shannon’s mother and daughter try to defend her from the bad man that is ruining her life. David is every rich douchebag in every John Hughes movie. Please drive off a cliff in one of Diko’s speciality black and white cars.
Apparently, the colonic cleared out a lot of real and metaphorical shit for Vicki, because she now has the energy to start mending fences with Tamra. Vicki calls Tamra to invite her to coffee and Tamra reluctantly accepts while lifting weights with Lydia. Lydia is a source of comfort and strength for Tamra because “when you have a sister in Christ, you talk to her differently.” It seems like all they talk about is Vicki Gunvalson and Doug’s balls so remind me to never get a sister in Christ.