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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

LEAVE THE MAN A CUP (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

LEAVE THE MAN A CUP (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)

The exes: Cornelius, 31 and Gary, 29

The reason for the break-up: There were a variety of factors, but I’m mostly putting the blame on the matching sweaters

What Cornelius wants out of this evening: To find out why Gary left him without even having a conversation

What Gary wants out of this evening: To get it in

After the first 30 seconds I am team: Cornelius

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Cornelius tells us the super romantic story of how he and Gary met: doing ho shit at some unnamed bar. Gary grabbed Cornelius and kissed him and it was such a good kiss that they immediately moved in together. Then, because I guess that living together wasn’t enough togetherness, they also got jobs together. Cornelius says that they, “developed each other as men,” and, I mean, was there a darkroom involved what are you talking about. Cornelius says that Gary was his first boyfriend and his first love. He says, “I loved him so much I wanted to skin him and wear him, that’s how much I loved him.” DUDE CORNELIUS FOR SURE HAS A PIT IN HIS BASEMENT. Just, like, that’s not love so much as some creepy ass obsession.

So what caused this beautiful co-dependent nightmare to end? One day Cornelius came home from work and found that everything in their apartment was gone because Gary had moved out and taken all of the pillows and all of the dishes with him. Cornelius was like, “We’ve been robbed!” and tried to call Gary to tell him, but Gary didn’t answer, so then he called Gary’s job and found out that Gary hadn’t worked there for like two weeks. Cornelius calls this “ghosting” but I’d classify it more as “witness protectioning”

Cornelius found out through mutual friends that Gary moved to Miami, or maybe to New York. I mean, that is…mysterious? There’s breaking up with someone and then there’s playing Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego IRL.

The two haven’t seen each other in 2-½ years. Cornelius shows up to the Ikea nightmare factory apartment first and is clearly terrified. He pours himself a giant drink and fidgets all over the place while talking to himself, saying things like, “I feel like I’m sweating,” and “It’s just chilling with a friend,” and “You got this you got this you got this.” He then drops to the floor and does a couple dozen push ups, like you do when your ex who may be an international criminal is about to walk through the door. 

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His workout routine over, Cornelius reviews a book of sweet memories of the first year of his and Gary’s relationship. I guess that Gary made this book to help memorialize the horror that is this matching sweater scheme:

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So, like, Gary completely broke his heart in an almost inexcusably cruel fashion, and Cornelius kept this scrapbook because – crying is good for his pores?  Anyway, we’re 4 minutes into this show and we haven’t seen any evidence of Gary at all. They usually show a shot of both people walking up to the apartment building, but they didn’t show one of Gary this time and I'm not sure that Gary actually exists.

When Gary finally does show up Cornelius almost falls down the stairs.

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Their reunion is – anticlimactic? They’re just like, “Hey.” Gary tells us that he didn’t talk to Cornelius before he left because he didn’t want anything or anyone to stop him from moving. He says that he has a good reason for just leaving Cornelius the way that he did. Gary also tells us that the sex was bananas f-u-c-k-e-d-u-p. Gary has a voice that makes me think that he’s on like a handful of pills at all times.

Cornelius refuses to sit on the same couch as Gary. Gary looks over their weird ass twinsie memory book and Cornelius says that in the book Gary was a hotty totty but now he’s just...here. And, I mean, I think he looks like a tiny puffy-mouthed child in both places, but sure.

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Gary says that when he moved out he took the whole apartment with him because everything was his, but he also admits it was a bitch move. Then, Gary says that he left because he and Cornelius had already broken up. And this is where it gets really confusing:

Gary: I didn’t leave without telling you.

Cornelius: Except for the part where that’s exactly what you did.

Gary: We had already broken up.

Cornelius: No, we hadn’t.

Gary: You were at the house when I took the stuff. You were on the bed and I asked you to get off of my bed.

Cornelius: I have no memory of that.

Gary: We had a conversation.

Cornelius: We did not.

Gary: *?????*

Cornelius: *????*

So neither of them can tell who’s crazy and, I mean, drugs are for real you guys. But then Gary says, “You know you fucked up. You going to tell me you never had a date at the house?”  And, like, what? What what? Cornelius’ face tells us that he did have a date at the house, but his mouth says that he had a friend over. Gary says that there were flowers and candles and they were eating dinner, and Cornelius says that he just likes ambiance. Cornelius tells us that it wasn’t a date because there were pictures of him and Gary all over the house. Cornelius says that he just does the most and he was trying to get that guy to be his friend and that guy didn’t even end up wanting to be his friend.

Gary tells us that Cornelius is a store manager and therefore he’s a good liar and knows how to talk to make people happy. I don’t see what retail has to do with this, but sure. Gary says that when he saw Cornelius on that date he felt so disrespected that he decided to quit his job and move away. Gary thought that Cornelius understood why he left him, and Cornelius is like, “I legit just now understood why.”

They have dinner and have to settle for the fake led candles in the background and Cornelius is like, “So is this a date?” and Gary is like, “TOO SOON BITCH.”

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Gary tells us that he loved living with Cornelius. Gary asks if Cornelius is dating someone right now and Cornelius says that he is. Gary hasn’t dated anyone since they broke up. Cornelius tells us that his boyfriend didn’t agree with him coming to see Gary and FUCKING OF COURSE NOT. If my husband was like, “Hey, I’m going to go spend the night in an apartment with my ex, and by the way the whole thing is sponsored by Bravo so you know there's going to be an open bar and it’s going to be messy,” I’d be like, “Can your grandparents take the kid?” and if he was like, “Yes,” I’d be like, “GO WITH MY BLESSING. But first pinky swear that there won’t be any penetration.” Anyway, Cornelius is clearly super into his current boyfriend psych opposite day that relationship is doomed.

They change into PJs and Cornelius has that cleavage going.

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They meet up in the kitchen and turn off the lights and then they hug. Gary says that his hugs usually lead to sex, but this time they lead to crying. They hug it out while crying.

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They go their separate ways and Gary settles into the couch while Cornelius walks up the stairs super slowly and looks back at Gary and tries to figure out how he can have sex with him on camera without anyone knowing. I mean, Cornelius, your relationship is totally not going to last so have that super emotional Bravo sponsored furtive under the comforter sex while you can.

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The next morning, Gary says that he didn't sleep at all because he was so emotional. He says that he always thought that Cornelius would be in his life and, really? REALLY? After you leave him and take every fucking cup with you? Why would you think that? Anyway, Gary still loves Cornelius in that way you love someone who is twice your size who wants to wear your skin.

They celebrate their not fucking with mimosas.  Gary says that he wants to have a relationship again and Cornelius is like “Um...maybe later.” And then Cornelius shows us why you should never ever eat a bagel with cream cheese on camera. 

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They hug goodbye and go their separate ways. The end card tells us that they’re both in LA now and both are single but they aren’t talking. So…that had a point.

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In summary: when you move out in a huff, go ahead and leave behind a pillow. Full disclosure, though, when I moved out on an ex once he wouldn’t let me take the lamps that he had paid for but also didn’t like, so in relation I took every single motherfucking pillow with me.

GO THE FUCK AWAY, NICK

GO THE FUCK AWAY, NICK

MEDITATIONS ON LADY GAGA: FIVE FOOT TWO

MEDITATIONS ON LADY GAGA: FIVE FOOT TWO