THIS SHIT BE CRAY (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)
All right, my little grizzlebutts, let’s get into it. If it means the butt of the dude who’s going to be boning your sister. Yeah, so that tried to happen and it was terrible.
I don’t even know what to say. When this show goes off a cliff, it goes all the fucking way off the highest cliff in the land. And let’s be honest: isn’t that why we watch this fucking show? Because it starts as a scamp and ends up screaming and throwing shit all over the place?
Dr. Bad Therapist comes to visit Evan Peters to congratulate him on his big win and also surviving that assassination, with a big heaping helping of condescending big brother check in. Peters is like, whatever, call me Councilman and check out my flat black Adderall Eyes. We learn that Sarah Paulson has been locked away for three weeks in a psych ward for colluding with Real Housewife of the Afterlife, Meadow.
Then we go to the restaurant, which has become the mess hall for the blue button-down fascist woman-haters club the cult has turned into. Adina Porter, Alison Pill, and Billie Lourd have to wait on these tools and ladies are like, this shit sucks! Pill compares it to Handmaid’s Tale, and I’m like, too little, too late. Porter suggests they throw off the shackles and take over, like they were supposed to last week after their SCUM moment. Instead, Lourd defends her psychopants brother and tells a little tale about this show’s favorite, stupidest thing...THE DARK WEB. When Lourd and her brother were younger, they took great joy in trolling message boards on THE DARK WEB, pretending to hate abortion and saying psycho shit to crazy people. You know, like you do. (Actually, like you do in 1996, when the internet was first invented, and your dumb teenage girl group flirting on IM results in getting sent a horrid dick pic, before dick pics were a thing that everyone did) Anyway, instead of a proto-dick pic, these two idiots get an invitation to a pretty standard Bible Belt Hell House.
That’s that thing were religious people pretend to be cool and into horror to trick teenagers into learning Christian fundamentalist bullshit like abortion is bad and so are gays and drugs by showing the torments on Earth and waiting for the sinners in Hell. You know, regular stuff.
But! TWIST. Everything is real! All the horrors are actually being done to real people. Two thirds of the unwilling cast of this REAL HELL HOUSE stick to their lines. The lady is like “Oh, I aborted my baby and now I’m going to die!” The drug addict is like “I loved drugs so much and now I’m being killed with my favorite drugs!” But the third guy is like, “THIS MOTHERFUCK IS GOING TO PUSH A BUTTON AND SEND KNIVES THROUGH MY PRECIOUS BODY AND I DON’T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN, PLEASE SAVE ME IMMEDIATELY, IRONIC CHILDREN!” Peters and Lourd are very ironic children, but they decide to save the man, who is purported to be a homosexual with HIV (and therefore deserves to be stabbed with knives...I don’t follow the logic), by untieing him from the chair a second before this cross-knife contraption goes all Saw on his back. The ironic children save all the poor souls and confront Pastor Steve or whatever the fuck this dude’s name is. Speaking of this dude: why is he not Denis O’Hare? Where is Denis O’Hare? This dude sucks and looks like a low-rent Clancy Brown, and if you know the real Clancy Brown, that is not saying much!
The ironic children gather the victims together and say: “Oh, you asshole. This lady was going to Planned Parenthood to treat a UTI! This man was in rehab when you kidnapped him. This guy was merely volunteering at an AIDS clinic.” To which I say: even if the lady was on her fourth abortion, the man was just so in love with drugs, and the guy had HIV, they don’t deserve to be kidnapped and tortured. Like, show, you don’t need retroactively create virtue in the “sinners.” Evan Peters decides that Pastor Whatever should be strapped in the knife chair and get a taste of his own medicine. And that proves to Lourd that her brother is good and that he saved her life.
We return to the flashback and Adina Porter is like, okay, you dumb bitch.
Peters is just doing so well on the city council, hiring his goon squad and threatening the children of his fellow council members. That’s one way to cut through gridlock!
But he is not doing so well in his personal life. He has pinky time with Lourd, and is sad. He wants to create a messiah, you see, and he needs darling sis to help out. Now, I know, we are all thinking we’re headed towards some Game of Thrones, Targaryen/Lannister action. But, fear not. This is TV, not HBO. Instead, we are getting some interestingly perverted Handmaid’s Tale action. His big plan is to use Detective Handsome Mike Pence as a surrogate father, in a ceremony in which Detective Handsome Mike Pence will penetrate Lourd as Peters penetrates him. Basically it's a reverse Handmaid’s. Like P to A to P to V. Listen, do I need to draw a flowchart? Lourd is like...okay.
Meanwhile, Sarah Paulson has returned and needs to talk to Dr. Bad Therapist. She’s so mad he locked her up and didn’t believe her. But he believes her now and comes clean: he is, indeed, a terrible therapist and brother to the man that’s been terrorizing her. So, instead of being Bad as in Evil, he really is just Bad as in shitty at his job. Oh, also, her wife-fucking nanny is his sister. Paulson realizes that Peters was capitalizing on her fears by reading her chart and she is so so mad. Dr. Bad Therapist tells her he will fix her life and get back her son if it is the last thing he does. Funny choice of words there...FORESHADOWING.
Back at the crazy ranch, Lourd, Peters, and Detective Handsome Mike Pence prepare for their ceremony. SIDEBAR: the show has gone out of its way to show that Peters loves Adderall. He eats it all day long. He chomps that shit like a hungry, hungry hippo. What I need to see now is Lourd doing the same with Xanax. Just chomp chomp chomp on some klonopin. That’s the only thing that makes her choice to lie beneath a man who is being penetrated by her brother make sense.
Alas, Detective Handsome Mike Pence is as homosexual as he is handsome, and cannot perform. Lourd finally calls bullshit on the whole shenanigan.
Sarah Paulson is feeling so sad because she lost her curly-headed, bespectacled, pretentiously named son. She invites Peters over for, no shit, Manwich, and at first he is wary and declares he won’t be poisoned. Instead of poison, she offers him information in the hope of getting back her Ozzy. Remembering that foreshadowing a few paragraphs ago? Well, Paulson lets it out that Dr. Bad Therapist has turned against his baby brother. Peters is so mad and he eats that sloppy joe like no one’s business.
As punishment for being unwilling to have an extremely weird threeway, Lourd is being made to redistribute trash (also known as littering) along the roadway dressed in an orange jumpsuit and dunce cap. Detective Handsome Mike Pence pulls up with some more recyclables to throw out on the road and some gruel for her to sup on. The two start arguing, and we get a flashback to how he met Peters, when he was a kid slanging prescription pad sheets on the streets and Detective Handsome Mike Pence busted him. But instead of arresting Peters, Detective Handsome Mike Pence demands a blowjob and a cut of the profits. Peters turns up to his alarmingly Nazi memorabilia filled sad apartment, where he is trying unsuccessfully to bang a lady. Said lady flees in fear, saying the only way he can get it up is with his hands around her throat. (Which, okay, this lady seems like she’s a native of Overdramatic Island.) Peters sneaks in and offers up some good old fashioned “women are stealing your essence” General Jack D. Ripper shit.
And then mounts Detective Handsome Mike Pence to show him how man love exponentially increases total power.
Having remembered that, Detective Handsome Mike Pence gets the brainstorm to strangle Lourd as he climbs on top of her. Guess what, though? She gets his gun and straight shoots him in the brain. So much for Detective Handsome Mike Pence, as horrible as he was handsome as he was homosexual.
Lourd concocts a fake news story for her brother: Adina Porter arrived and straight shot Detective Handsome Mike Pence in his brain, instead of her! The cult gathers in their clown masks and two figures are brought forth. The first is Dr. Bad Therapist. He is in the bad books for promising to stop his crazy brother. Peters cuts off his pinky finger and then has a stab party on his chest. Lourd pulls off her clown mask in horror as she watches her oldest brother die. So long, Dr. Bad Therapist. Let us remember him as he lived--being really bad at therapy.
The second prisoner is Adina Porter. She is being punished for the fake news murder of Detective Handsome Mike Pence. Her punishment is isolation? Man, I don’t know. She snarls convincingly at Peters, how they were supposed to be equal and now everything is ruined. He dismisses her and the clowns unmask themselves.
Keep in mind, we’ve lost a lot of clowns in the last few weeks. Nail-head guy, Meadow, Billy Eichner, Adina Porter, and now Detective Handsome Mike Pence have been mostly killed. But strangely, there seems to be a reasonable number as they unmask. We see Chaz Bono and other assholes. Pill takes off her mask, and is confronted with BWWWAH BWWAAAAH BWAAAAAAAH Sarah Paulson unmasking herself as a full fledged clown! She’ll do anything to get her son back! Talk about a TWIST!