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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

MERCY (WALKING DEAD RECAP)

MERCY (WALKING DEAD RECAP)

Things you’re gonna have to get over if you want to even marginally enjoy this season:

1.     Maggie not looking a day over 5 minutes pregnant.
2.     Carl.

We open on our hero, Rick, sweating as per usual. Instantly you know it’s a flash-forward.

Scenes from around our merry camp include the Deadsters preparing for The Fight With Negan which includes tossing scrap metal around to each other, and eating Twizzlers with Carol on an overpass. 

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Rick gives an impassioned speech, rallying the group and emboldening them on their suicide mission. 

Burnt Face rolls up a note to pass to Daryl using a crossbow, which, why didn’t I think of that in middle school?  Anyway, they’re in love.

 (omg omg omg tomorrow!!!!)

(omg omg omg tomorrow!!!!)

There’s an obvious flash forward of Rick obviously captured or tortured or something wherein he dreams of himself in the future with a shitty Santa beard and flat top and roll opening credits.

 (no.)

(no.)

Are you ready for Carl? It’s Carl. And the Hat That Lives On. He’s got a gas can and he’s wandering around a gas station where he meets a dude begging for help. Carl points a gun at him, as one does. Dude tries to appeal to Carl’s human side, quoting his mother who always said “Let my mercy prevail over my wrath,” but Rick comes in to help, scaring the dude away by firing at him and then giving his moron son a proper dressing down: He coulda been a spy!!!!

Obviously this guy is coming back.

 shut up, Carl.

shut up, Carl.

Daryl, using the note he got from Burnt Face, takes out a couple of Negan’s dudes who are out on patrol, crossing each one off the list like the efficient, task-oriented killing machine he is.

It’s go time!!! The Deadsters, the Hilltoppers and the Kingdomers roll out in their steel-reinforced vehicles. They get in formation. It looks like a tailgate party, to be honest. Maggie exposits she’s in her second trimester. Everyone laughs.

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Drawing Negan’s men out to investigate an explosion, the group converges on Survivor turf. They fire some shots and Negan comes out smiling. He’s the best.  He makes fun of them. He’s the best. His dick is bigger than Rick’s, he informs everyone. They exchange tough-guy’ism.

 our hero.

our hero.

The shootout begins. So far, just the windows to the Survivor compound suffer.  Daryl, puffy, leads an army of dead with his motorcycle and some well-placed ‘splosions to the fight.  They blow up an RV. Rick, the worst shot on earth, can’t seem to hit a limping Negan. It’s a waste of firepower, really. He’s told as much by Father Gabriel. Rick takes a commemorative photo. Father Gabriel subsequently gets duped by that snake, Gregory, who steals his car and leaves him to fend for himself with the dead wandering around everywhere in the midst of gunfight.

 Black and white would really capture the moment, don’t you think?

Black and white would really capture the moment, don’t you think?

He finds refuge in a trailer which is already occupied by Negan, who informs him he’s going to shit his pants. Outside, the dead claw at the trailer.

In a dream sequence, misty and Vaseline-lensed, Judith leads Rick outside to a bucolic scene but what’s really happening is Rick, at some point in the near future, is having a hallucination. “Let my mercy prevail over my wrath,” he says.  TOLD YOU. 

 Allergy season.

Allergy season.

The episode closes with Rick’s speech from the beginning, telling them they’ve already won.

 Buffet’s open!

Buffet’s open!

He’s so very probably laughably wrong because Negan didn’t get to where he is by succumbing to Piss Patrols (his words) such as Rick’s.

Go Negan!

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN REYKJAVIK (RHOC RECAP)

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN REYKJAVIK (RHOC RECAP)

THE BEST DAMN STRANGER THINGS SEASON 1 REFRESHER ON THE INTERNET

THE BEST DAMN STRANGER THINGS SEASON 1 REFRESHER ON THE INTERNET