THE BEST DAMN STRANGER THINGS SEASON 1 REFRESHER ON THE INTERNET
That’s right Heauxs, it’s the most goosebumpy time of year to be alive. Let’s curl up and watch a sheaux about it. Starting October 27, you can head back to Hawkins, Indiana via Netflix for Season 2 of America’s favorite supernatural / sci-fi / detective / conspiracy theory / family drama / coming-of-age / breakfast commercial, Stranger Things. Follow me Tuesdays and Thursdays starting October 31 for Stranger Files and Things, a peek into a secret archive of papers and stuff. What did the dog know all along? Were they able to at least recover Barb’s hair? On a scale of Lydia Deets to Susanna Kaysen, what is Winona Ryder’s hot mess rating? These are just some of the questions we’ll be pondering in the dark nights ahead.
But first, to get back in the 1983 mood, please enjoy this found document from the Season 1 File, a script titled “Summary Adaptation.”
In the basement:
MIKE: Welcome, lispy friend and black friend.
LUCAS: But where’s Will?
WILL: I’m missing.
NANCY: Who wants to date Mike’s hot sister?
STEVE: I’ll be that douche.
BARB: Always the best friend, never the survivor.
At the lab:
LAB WORKERS: What’s that gaping anus to the underworld doing in our lab?
SHERIFF HOPPER: Come closer, I dare you. Part the hazy musk of rugged sensuality to read the troubled book of my soul.
In my heart:
JOYCE: I’m Will and Jonathan’s mom. More importantly, I’m Winona Ryder.
SHERIFF HOPPER: Darn, I have a dead daughter. What happened to the diner dude? He’s dead in the diner. Dammit.
JONATHAN: Will, where are you? The woods that border the Lab? Or the same woods that border Steve’s house? I’ll photograph Steve’s party just in case.
At the party:
NANCY: I’m going to lose my v-card.
BARB: Gross. I’ll be untucking the stirrups on my pants to dip my feet in the pool.
MONSTER: What have we here? Mmmbye, Barb.
In the basement:
MIKE: El, I made you a fort out of waffles. Reese’s Pieces were already taken.
ELEVEN: Will is hiding under a boardgame. Don’t mind my nosebleed, it happens when I murder with my mind.
WILL: (on the phone) I’m lights, and I’m music. I’m behind the wall. But also over the phone? I’m under-- next to-- it’s hard to explain.
JOYCE: I’m your mother, EXPLAIN IT TO ME BETTER.
JOYCE: All of your lamps and Christmas lights, please.
LIBRARIAN: Did someone say microfiche montage?! Extra, extra, Hawkins Lab is slim shady.
STEVE: Fuck you, Jonathan, you can’t take pictures of people, even if they are full of clues.
NANCY: Barb’s mom, where’s Barb? Have you seen Barb? Barb?
NETFLIX VIEWERS: Barb? Barb? Barb?!! BARB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE’S BABY SISTER: I’ll see the spooky lights next, I’m the least equipped to handle it.
JOYCE: I always wanted to paint a big ouija board on the wall so my son could haunt me, I just never had the time, you know?
WILL: (through the lights) I am R-I-G-H-T...H-E-R-E.
In his own mirror, with finger guns:
STATE TROOPER: But riddle me this, I just found Will’s body in the lake. How do you like them apples.
At the morgue:
SHERIFF HOPPER: Wait, this body is made of cotton candy.
MIKE: I can hear Will on my walkie-talkie. He’s alive!
ELEVEN: Point out a bully who deserves a little pee-pants, I’m cranky from having to wear a dress.
NANCY: I think a nasty creature stole Barb! This creature, in the corner of the photo that Jonathan took!
STEVE: What did I tell you about clues?
At the lab:
UNLUCKY WORKER: Here I go into the glistening mucus hellscape portal, wish me luck.
WILL: Bang bang, on the wall Mommy!
JOYCE: Knock a little louder, sugar! I'll axe the wallpaper where you are. Oh, there you are! Are you crazy, I can’t help you! Run back into the seeping darkness and try to save yourself!
In the basement:
DUSTIN: The Upthide Down. That’th where Will ith. A dark reflection of our world.
At Will’s funeral:
LUCAS: There goes a real body into the sad ground, wink wink wink.
In the woods:
MIKE: Let’s pool all fifty-three of our compasses to see if the woods are electromagnetic.
ELEVEN: Let’s not and say we did.
LAB WORKERS: Just so you know, we can hear everything you say because your friend is a human transistor.
In the woods, but a different part, but the same woods:
JONATHAN: I believe in the dark world thing. My mom’s not crazy, even though she is played by Winona Ryder. Here, take a gun for creature hunting.
NANCY: Thanks. Ping ping ping bullseye no big deal. Let’s split up so I can crawl inside a tree-- oh no, it’s a gate to the Upside Down! I should have known by the texture and the palpable evil.
In the Upside Down:
JONATHAN: Come to the light of Lisa Frank pouring from your backpack!
SHERIFF HOPPER: That bald kid is a weaponized psychic stolen as an infant from a woman who was too drugged-out on MK-Ultra LSD to fight Dr. Brenner, the head of the lab.
LUCAS: Fool me twice, shame on me, generic utility vans full of government agents.
At the quarry:
DUSTIN: Run, we’re being chathed!
MIKE: Over the edge of this cliff, is that good?
ELEVEN: Mike, no! Float back up here on the waves of my telekinesis and tell me you love me even though I made a door to hell.
All over the place:
ELEVEN: Papa Brenner!
DR. BRENNER: Eleven!
SHERIFF HOPPER: Joyce!
MIKE: L’eggo my little bald friend!
JOYCE: Will? Wait there, honey, we’re building an immersive experience to reach you better. Hold on, okay? Barb didn’t make it. So. You know. Do your best.
At the lab:
DR. BRENNER: You’re not allowed in here, this is private science. Tell me everything you know.
SHERIFF HOPPER: I know your face looks like a racist uncle’s death mask made out of mashed potatoes.
JOYCE: Despite that, we will enter the festering devil incubator to find my son.
JONATHAN & NANCY: Monster hunting, take two: blood for bait.
STEVE: Sorry I called you a slut, please don’t let it eat me.
LUCAS: It’s the last episode, I can’t believe I’m still alive.
ELEVEN: I’ll sacrifice myself to destroy the monster, but be open to waffles if I make it through.
In the sober light of day:
WILL: Thanks for the mixtape, it makes up for all the time I spent living my worst fears. Now excuse me while I cough up a baby monster and point it in the direction of Season 2...
...premiering October 27 on Netflix. Lightning bolt, lightning bolt, thunder.
This has been a document from Stranger Files and Things. Who knows what danger lurks in the heart of organized storage...but it’s definitely stranger. Join me on October 31 as I comb the aisles for more.