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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

ELECTION NIGHT (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

ELECTION NIGHT (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

Phew. Who knew there was so much masturbation in gyms? I’m thoroughly grossed out. This episode, we embarked in a Tarantino style sprung-chronology, multi-character clown spree. We open on Election Night, where Adina Porter’s TV news reporter stands in front of the polling place that all characters apparently share, reporting on turnout and all sorts of stuff. She mixes it up with the red coated Emma Roberts, playing her bitchy rival at the station. These two are very hard news vs. puff piece, but unlike all lady reporters on the puff piece circuit in every other narrative we’ve ever seen, Emma Roberts is loving her beat.  

We pan down the line: Billy Eichner and wife scoff at the assembled teeming masses and agree that they are only qualified to vote on entertainment, not actually important things. Paulson and Pill are looking cute and celebrating Hillz’s inevitable victory, and Pill is admonishing Paulson not to pull a Nader and ruin everything. Billie Lourde, the world’s worst babysitter (TWWB) is hanging with her girls, giddy with young enthusiasm for her candidate. Each of the characters enters the booth, and we see their votes (transgressive!). TWWB takes a selfie with her HRC vote, Pill and Porter vote for Hillz as well. Emma Roberts confidently votes Trump after she proclaimed her excitement for HRC, representing all the lying white women of the world. Speaking of lying white women, Paulson dithers and then fills in the bubble for Jill Stein, thereby ruining everything and casting us into the alternate dimension hellscape we all inhabit now.   

Then, a disturbance at the polls. Evan Peters helps the injured Chaz Bono to the check-in desk and demands that he exercise his right as an American. Blood drips from Bono’s sleeve. Into the curtained voting booth he goes, to cast a vote for Trump and scream triumphantly as he reveals his dripping stump. “Welcome to Trump’s America, motherfuckers!” to you as well.

(Basically, I think we should adopt this screech every time something bad happens. Like, spill your coffee all over your new blouse? “Welcome to Trump’s America, motherfuckers!” Flat tire? “Welcome to Trump’s America, motherfuckers!” Nuclear war with North Korea? ...you get the gist.)

The day after the election, we follow Billy Eichner’s path into the subtitular Cult. He works at as a trainer at my gym, except yellow instead of purple and with more masturbation. He has a dickhead boss and a new client--Evan Peters. If I were giving Peters a Homerian epithet, I would call him “the shark-eyed Evan Peters” because boyfriend’s got those flat black eyes. The two bond, and Peters asks him what sort of gay he is. After musing, he says “Versatile.” Which, lol, I love it. I love less Peters’s bullshit rhetoric about rejecting labels and diversity used to divide. HE’S THE ONE WHO ASKED HIM ABOUT WHAT TYPE OF GAY HE WAS!! Anyway, the two lowkey flirt (and also highkey flirt, when Peters tells him he will 100% take care of raging boners for his crew) and that dickhead boss makes Eichner clean jizz out of the steam room, which, gross and enough already men.  

Back at home, Eichner’s wife is chilling, drinking Chard and watching TV when he gets home. But she has some bad news: they are being foreclosed on tomorrow. Once again, everything is ruined. I mean, basically, she is the second worst. She blathers about not making ends meet on his salary and her brief craft related employment. He laments that they are about to be homeless.  

At the gym, dickhead boss is busting Eichner’s balls about closing on clients. Peters is like, this guy sucks and you are great. Transform yourself! Eichner professes his admiration of Peters’s character, and Peters reminds him that he is just a mirror. Greatness is inside of you, buddy. Eichner has to go clean more cum (again, seriously dudes?) and then he encounters Peters in the shower, having his way with himself. Gross. This show is really into jacking off. Eichner talks to Peters some more and murders his dickhead boss with a weight. It’s terrible. Peters is apparently a computer coder, and he skillfully erases the surveillance video of of the crime.  

Eichner’s wife is walking to their sad and skeezy motel room, bothering innocent potheads for their stash. She’s so terrible they just give her a half-smoked joint. Inside the room, Eichner saws off the head of the dickhead boss. Our cult is coming together!

Next, we focus on Adina Porter’s news reporter as she stands in front of the city dump where a headless and handless body was just discovered. She’s unhappy with her place at the news station: Emma Roberts is rapidly climbing the ladder by applying her sexual wiles to Dermot Mulroney, who may be the saddest Dermot of all and is also supposed to be a Bill O'Reilly stand-in. Or at least the writers made a joke from Gawker.com circa 2006 about falafel. It turns out that Porter was sent away after she assaulted the fifth or sixth idiot who shouted “Grab her by the pussy,” into her hot mic. Evan Peters sees her vulnerability (and the youtube autotune remix) and approaches her, offering to solve her problems in exchange for her reporting on acts of violence and exploiting people’s fear. Cue Emma Roberts and her innocent cameraman getting clown murdered. Porter is all in now!

The last and most intriguing vignette features Allison Pill’s Ivy, wife of butthole Sarah Paulson. Before the election, Pill is leaving the house to go protest. Paulson is uninterested, preferring to sip tea and contemplate her future protest vote for Stein. At the protest, Pill squares off with Chaz Bono on the MAGA side of the line. Billie Lourde slides up next to her. After exchanging words, Bono grabs her crotch. I forgot to mention that Bono has two hands at this point. What kind of a world is this? Lourde chases him to his truck and consoles Pill. There is some clear sexual tension between them, and Lourde susses out Pill’s unhappiness in her marriage. We cut to Bono’s grocery store as he closes up. He finds Lourde in the kidnapping aisle, and Pill tases him from behind. He wakes up in a Saw basement with a nice togo container of food. He’s duct taped to a pole and handcuffed, with one free hand. They tell him that they will let him free after the election, as to prevent his poisonous Donald vote.  

So, I guess it’s clear that Even Peters and Billie Lourde are brother and sister? They live in the same house and have the same last name. They may have a White Stripes arrangement? Later, Evan Peters busts in and offers him a hacksaw to free himself, one hour before the polls close. Bono goes 100% 127 Hours on his own arm. BLERG.

Pill is in on it. Or at least she’s in on part of it. Maybe she’s just had it with that Stein voting sack of cat shit she’s married to. And now we know who the clowns are and why Porter’s news reports have been so sadistic and sensational, and why Bono has a stump, and also Emma Roberts was clown murdered. I have to say, this is a real Rube Goldberg machine. LOTS OF MOVING PARTS IN THIS PLAN, HUH?

TWIN PEAKS (PROJECT RUNWAY RECAP)

TWIN PEAKS (PROJECT RUNWAY RECAP)

HONEY, PASS THE TORCH!

HONEY, PASS THE TORCH!