YOU EVER SEE SOMEONE RUIN THEIR OWN LIFE (A NIGHT WITH MY EX RECAP)
The exes: Tyler, 27 and Alexa, 26
The reason for the break-up: Instagram
What Alexa wants out of this evening: For Tyler to look into her eyesoul and tell her he cheated on her
What Tyler wants out of this evening: To find out why the fuck Alexa thinks he cheated on her
After the first 30 seconds I am team: Alexa, but only because Tyler is carrying a guitar
Tyler is a musician and they met in college. Tyler was super duper in love with Alexa and she was also super duper in love with him. They dated for two years and then, one fateful night, Tyler went out drinking with some friends. Alexa stayed behind and did what we all do - low-key stalked Tyler via his Instagram. She saw a picture of him with a girl and then she lost her damn mind. She texted him and called him and when he did not immediately respond Alexa took his silence to mean he couldn't reach the phone because he was currently balls-deep in the Instagram girl. She thought that God was telling her to break up with Tyler. So she did. She stopped speaking to him and refused to return his phone calls.
It's now been three years since Alexa ended their relationship. She plans on asking him for confirmation that he cheated on her and then, when he admits it, getting up and walking out.
Tyler arrives first and starts drinking because this whole show is fucking weird and it’s impossible to get through it without booze. Alexa arrives next and is like, “Hi! This is fucking weird!” and covers her face and walks away from him. So she's also a normal human reacting appropriately to this weirdo situation.
They make small talk about their families and stuff while Tyler struggles with opening the wine. But, unlike previous dudes on his show, he doesn’t make a big emotional thing out of how he's bad at it. He’s just like, “Wow, I suck at this, ha ha, guess I need to try harder,” which he does. So even though he brought a guitar with him onto a reality show, I suddenly find myself appreciating Tyler. I don't want to get crazy here, but maybe he's not garbage?
They both tell us that the other person looks really good, which is sweet and also proves that love is real because I don’t see it. I mean, they’re both fine, attractive people, but neither of them is putting scorch marks on the couch. I mean, his super short slicked back hair and her blue lipstick are both problematic for me.
They start talking about the night that they broke up. Alexa thought that Tyler was going out with the boys but then Tyler’s friend Rachel, the girl from his Instagram, was there too and Alexa has a feel or two about her. She asks Tyler, “Why was it OK to cheat on me?” and Tyler says, “First of all, I didn’t cheat on you,” and Alexa is like, “Hold up, that's the reason we broke up, because you are garbage, so if you're not garbage is my life a lie?”
Alexa says that she was super insecure about Rachel because Tyler and Rachel had a “vibe” but she never told Tyler about this insecurity because she didn’t want to seem jealous. Which is usually how jealous as fuck people like to play it. Tyler says, “I can call Rachel,” to confirm that he didn't cheat on Alexa and then eh takes out his phone AND CALLS RACHEL. Oh my heart, oh this show.
Tyler talks to Rachel while Alexa freaks out inside of her face. Rachel sounds super normal and confirms that nothing ever happened between them. Alexa is like, “This is helpful information, thank you,” and Rachel is like, “We should hang out sometime,” and Alexa is like, “Great! Hold on while I go upstairs and cry my eyes out because I just realized that I fucked up whole life due to a single misinterpretation of an Instagram post.”
As she cries in the bathroom, Tyler gets out his guitar because of course he does. Then she comes out of the bathroom and starts yelling at him, “Why didn’t you just text me on that night?”
Tyler is like, “Wait, that's your take away? That me not texting was the big problem?” But instead of freaking out on her, he’s like, “I did call you, later on, and you didn’t answer, cause you had already dumped me.” Alexa keeps on with how this whole thing could have been avoided if Tyler would have just done a different thing and Tyler does not scream at her that she is delusional, which means I hereby nominate him as The Most Patient Man In The World. After a while he finally says, out loud, “I think you maybe overreacted and that’s why we broke up?” and Alexa is like, *fuck you’re right*. Watching someone realize that they're an asshole in real time is truly mesmerizing.
So then Tyler plays Alexa a song that he wrote about their break up. They order dinner, eat, chat, get along, and Tyler says, “Hey, about the part where you ruined our shit for no good reason and suddenly broke up with me and wouldn’t tell me why and then I slipped into a depression and couldn’t get out of bed for a while, can I get an apology for that?” And Alexa is like, “Um...I just barely accepted that this whole thing was my fault so, probably no?”
Tyler actually says, “It was kind of fucked up how you just ended it and then blamed it all on me.” Alexa provides a bullshit non-apology like, “I’m really sorry but also I can’t say I did something wrong."
They get ready for bed and Tyler says that when they were together it was like a honeymoon phase the whole time they dated and, dude, you dated for two years so that’s about right. Tyler preps the couch for him to sleep on so Alexa can get the bed. Tyler, you're good people. Alexa says that her heart is racing and she’s super attracted to Tyler and she super wants to climb him like a tree. She invites him to sleep in the bed with her and he says, “OK.” And then, when they're in bed, she tells him to kiss her and calls him a butthole. So he kisses her and then IT. IS. ON.
The next morning they are both ALIVE. I mean, that was some restorative bonking. Just look at Alexa’s face as she makes eggs:
Alexa obvi wants to get back together with Tyler and tells him she can’t just be friends with him. She admits that she didn’t respond to him after she ended things because that made it easier for her to get over him. She says that what she did was wrong and he didn’t deserve it. Tyler is like, “I understand that, and I really care about you, but I still remember the part where you freaked out for legit no reason and ruined my life so, pass?” And then, right there, in real time, we get to watch Alexa grow as an adult woman. It’s kind of uncomfortable.
But then, after they remember how much bad sex there is the world ... they start dating!
In summary: Decisions based on Instagram posts are bad decisions, before you decide that someone cheated on you you should corroborate it with something other than your own jerk brain, and this is the first time in history that on-camera reality show sex has ended well.