LOVE YA, ARMENIAN IT (RHOC RECAP)
The setting: Patch, a seemingly innocuous café where unsuspecting coeds cram for finals. Sounds of clanging mugs and excited chatter belie the nefarious purpose for filming here: Today, two sworn enemies, oft-mistaken for bargain-bin barbies, will meet here to negotiate a détente. In one corner, Tamra Judge, a born-again Christian drama-queen who is a maniac with too many feelings. In the opposing corner, Vicki Gunvalson, a sentient skin sack filled only with the seven deadly sins, botox, and Xanax. Vicki has lied, cheated, and hurt Tamra and Tamra has come for her apology. Vicki admits she’s done these things and has also come for her apology. To Vicki, Tamra’s anger is, like, so mean. And sure, Vicki may have spread a rumor that Tamra’s husband is gay and is only with her to be a business partner in her gym, but Tamra is such a monster for gripping about this minor detail.
Needless to say, Tamra’s all “You don’t deserve my friendship” and Vicki is all velociraptor shrieks. In conclusion, the reconciliation failed.
In happier news, Peggy and Diko are celebrating their wedding anniversary. Peggy lovingly recounts how when she first met Diko, he pressured her to drop out of UCLA to become a housewife so that she could submit to his every need. But she showed him--Peggy stayed in school, earned her degree, and then became a housewife to submit to Diko’s every need. Girl Power! The happy couple is organizing a blow-out bash to celebrate their 22nd anniversary; the most auspicious of wedding anniversaries. I believe a velour sweatsuit is the traditional gift for a 22nd anniversary.
Across town, Kelly’s dad is visiting and boy does Kelly’s mom hate her ex-husband. Almost as much as Kelly hates her current husband. Her mom and dad divorced some time ago but they squabble like they're still in a loveless marriage. This is ominous foreshadowing for Kelly’s impending divorce/already occurring divorce in real-life but not yet on the show. It’s not like I ever had any hope for Kelly and Michael but divorce is sad nonetheless. They both seem like awful people and they never should have married, but it’s also kind of romantic that two garbage humans found each other. What a match they were!
Can someone figure out if I’m related to Lydia’s mom STAT. She pays for so much fun shit and I want it all. Lydia’s mom takes her shopping and drops $2,000 on jewels for Lydia. It turns out that Lydia’s family was always rich but recently old Granpappy kicked the bucket and now they’re “Paris Hilton” rich! Praised be! God is good! Also, thank you God for taking Granpappy. Does “Paris Hilton rich” mean Lydia and Doug are releasing a sex tape soon? According to Lydia, Doug got his balls chopped off during his vasectomy so their sex tape will definitely be categorized under fetish--eunuch porn. Working Title: Me Before Eunuch.
It is the eve of the Sulahian’s anniversary party and Peggy ensures that every detail of their Mediterranean soirée is perfect, including the size of the belly dancer. “Not fat,” is what Peggy demands. The belly dancer looks more like a ‘tight abs and bone’ dancer to me but what Peggy likes, Peggy gets. Including matching his-and-hers watches from Diko that cost $80K each and a 24 carat diamond necklace costing $150K. If this is what Peggy gets for her 22nd wedding anniversary, I'm betting she gets a foreclosed house and files for divorce for their 25th anniversary. C’mon! Diko owns a fancy tire business. He's fancy-shoe rich but not GDP-of-a- small-country rich.
All of the ladies are whooping it up at the party except for Vicki who feels excluded by the other women because she’s the Regina George of the OC and everyone loathes her.
Vicki stumbles drunkenly over to Koko, Peggy’s 10-year-old son, corners him and rasps into his little boy face that no one likes her cuz they're all catty bitches. And just like that, Koko’s childhood is shattered. Never again will he be able to talk to an adult without smelling Vicki’s boozy breath or wondering if growing up means turning into a sadistic sociopath stuffed into a cocktail dress.
Outside Kelly, Tamra, and Shannon try to smoke a hookah but can’t figure out how the darn thing works. It's very Three Stooges but with fewer facial expressions because all the Botox prevents most facial movements.
Then, in a househusband rookie mistake, Diko stupidly inserts himself in some drama. He pulls Shannon aside to let her know that he didn't appreciate that David was prying about Peggy’s cancer last episode. Shannon looks like she's going to explode and leaves the party. If Diko has a problem with David, he should take it up with him. In the car on the way home, she weeps to Tamra that she feels blindsided by Diko and had no idea there was tension between he and David. I think the real issue is that David doesn't tell Shannon anything anymore but we can’t get that deep until the reunion when Andy Cohen gleefully reads a viewer’s question asking if Shannon projects her marital issues on everyone else. All the other women will shift uncomfortably in their seats and Shannon will sob until she is fully submerged in a pool of her own tears, at which point Tamra will baptize her in the cry-water and she will reemerge ready to divorce the cruelest husband in housewife history, notwithstanding Joe Giduice, Russell Armstrong, Bob Whitfield, and oh hell, all of them except Mauricio.